The New Joke Thread

[sailorphil9]

What eats sandwiches and rings bells?


The lunchpack of Notre Dame.

[MicHughV]

in my youth, I knew a guy whose father was a mortician and ran a funeral home and he would often help his dad there, doing whatever it is, they do there.

he often invited me to tag along to see what goes on there, but I always declined his kind offer, considering this to be a rather morbid profession, though he thought nothing of it.

but he could tell jokes like no-one else I knew, him and has father could belt out endless streams of jokes, without stopping to take a breath...no pun intended...

I think the joke telling was a way they covered up their particular emotions doing their " job".

if you ever want a source of really good jokes, a mortician is your guy !!

[socaldmax]

[Montanan]

Imagine if you will:

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Montanan

Imagine if you will:

That's the story of my life, every single day.

[Montanan]

Yet another new word addition to the English language for 2020.

[socaldmax]

[Jim Krause]

Two nuns were riding their bicycles back to the convent over a cobblestone street.

One says to the other, "I've never come this way before."

The other replies, "must be the cobbles."

[socaldmax]

One day Father Paddy McPedo was in the confessional and he really needed to drain the lizard. The confession had just ended and he looked outside and there was the janitor, slowly sweeping.

He whispered to the janitor, and he came over. "I have to go to the restroom, could you please cover the confessional for me just for a few minutes? Chances are no one is going to come in and you'll be able to sit in peace." Reluctantly, the janitor agreed and the priest went to the restroom.

As luck would have it, a middle aged man came in and sat in the confessional booth and started pouring his heart out. He was a married father of three with a nagging shrew of a wife who had decided to keep her legs shut after the birth of their 3rd plague upon the earth. The man had found love in the crotches of other men. It seemed to the poor janitor that the man wasn't seeking absolution for his sins so much as bragging about how much he enjoyed giving random strangers blowies in public bathrooms at parks and truck stops.

It seemed as if the man was running out of conquests to brag about - excuse me - sins to confess - and the janitor was at a total loss as to what to say to him. In desperation, the janitor looked out of his confessional door in hopes of seeing the priest coming back, but no such luck! All he saw was one of the altar boys coming down the aisle with his robes draped over his arm.

Getting frantic, the janitor motioned wildly to the young boy and beckoned him over. As the young boy got close to the confessional, the janitor whispered to him that the priest was nowhere to be found and he had no idea what to do! "What does the priest usually give for acts of depravity, like homosexuality??"


The altar boy casually answered, "If it's just a blowie, usually one candy bar. If you did the back door too, usually two candy bars."

[Montanan]

So got to try this during my next Zoom business meeting.

[socaldmax]

Jesus had invented the game of golf many decades ago because he's a sporting man, contrary to Scottish lore. He also invented whiskey, which the Scottish also claim as their own, but enough about Scottish delusions of grandeur. We'll follow that topic later.

Since things were pretty quiet up in heaven ever since the turn of the 20th century, Jesus started to pass the time recently by watching his favorite golfers do their magic on some of the toughest links in the world.

One day Jack Nicklaus was playing with 3 of his buddies at Augusta and it was a tough hole. It was 385 yds with a dogleg and very narrow fairway with a large pond right in the middle. It was Jack's turn to tee off and Lee Trevino said, "Hey Jack, let's make this one interesting! $1,000 says you can't skip the ball off of the pond and make a hole in one!" Jack, never being one to pass up a challenge, shook hands and took the bet!

Jesus was watching intently as Jack did a perfect swing, hammered the ball and it took flight, skimmed off the pond at 215 yds, takes 2 bounces onto the green and rolls right into the hole as if it was on a string. Jack takes a bow, Lee yells "sonofabiyatch!!!" at the top of his lungs and Jesus cracks the biggest smile ever and says, "Hey Pete! Did you see that?! Jack Nicklaus just skipped a ball off of a pond and made a hole in one on a 385 yd drive!!" St. Peter replied, "Very impressive! He's certainly very talented!!"

A few yrs later, things were even quieter at the Pearly Gates and Jesus was bored, bored to tears. He said, "Hey Pete, why don't we take the day off and go play a couple rounds of golf somewhere?" St Peter agreed and soon they were at Augusta, enoying a perfect day of golf.

Eventually they ended up at the 385 yd dogleg with the pond and suddenly Jesus remembered the spectacular shot that Jack Nicklaus had made a few yrs earlier! Jesus turned to St Peter and said, "Hey, remember that amazing shot Jack did a few yrs ago? How much you wanna bet I can do it too?" St Peter replied, "No offense to you or your divine powers, but you're not exactly Jack Nicklaus!" Jesus was a little hurt about that one, but he decided to sweeten the pot. "How about we bet? I'll bet you a pandemic, an earthquake and two typhoons that I can make this shot!" St Peter knew it was a sure win, so he greed.

Jesus lined up his shot, took a mighty swing and the ball sailed up into the air, hit the pond and sank like a rock. He turned to St Peter and said, "Best 2 out of 3." Then walked over to the pond and walked on the water, looking for his ball. St Peter waited patiently as Jesus lined up his shot.

Jesus lined up his shot, took a mighty swing and the ball sailed up into the air, hit the pond and sank like a rock. He turned to St Peter and said, "Best 3 out of 5." Then walked over to the pond and walked on the water, looking for his ball. St Peter waited patiently as Jesus lined up his shot.

Jesus lined up his shot, took a mighty swing and the ball sailed up into the air, hit the pond and sank like a rock. He turned to St Peter and said, "Best 4 out of 7." Then walked over to the pond and walked on the water, looking for his ball. St Peter waited patiently as Jesus lined up his shot.

Jesus lined up his shot, took a mighty swing and the ball sailed up into the air, hit the pond and sank like a rock. He turned to St Peter and said, "Best 6 out of 10." Then walked over to the pond and walked on the water, looking for his ball. St Peter waited patiently as Jesus lined up his shot.

Jesus lined up his shot, took a mighty swing and the ball sailed up into the air, hit the pond and sank like a rock. He turned to St Peter and said, "Best 7 out of 12." Then walked over to the pond and walked on the water, looking for his ball. By now, the foursome behind them had caught up and two of the four looked on in shock as Jesus casually walked on the water. They turned to St Peter and exclaimed, "Holy Crap! Who does that guy think he is?? Jesus Christ?!?!"



St Peter replied with a deep sigh, "No, he thinks he's Jack Nicklaus."

[socaldmax]

One day Jay Leno needed to fly to Vegas and as he took his seat in first class, he was surprised to see the Pope in the seat next to him! The Pope looked up and with a big smile, said, "Jay Leno! What a surprise! I'm a huge fan!"

"Thank you, your Eminence! I'm also your biggest fan!" replied Jay.

The Pope was struggling with his crossword puzzle and decided to ask Jay for help. "Hey Jay, do you happen to know a 4 letter word for a woman that ends with "U-N-T"?"

Jay thought for a second and said, "How about AUNT?"

The Pope was impressed! "That's it, Jay!"

"Say, you don't happen to have an eraser on you, do you?"

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]