The New Joke Thread

[bobnlesley]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

....players are dressed in white pants, white shirts and usually a white cap...

Not the cap, the players on the losing side generally wear green ones.

A few years ago we were watching cricket in Antigua and I was surprised to find that there were quite a few Muricans sat near to us; I spent the day answering a whole raft of questions, explaining how/why things were happening and translating the stadium announcers interjections. I like to think that I managed to teach them a lot, so making their day more enjoyable. All went great until around 16:00 when the game was stopped by the second or third rain shower of the day and as the players were returning to the field there was a long announcement regarding the run-target adjustment to be made in accordance with the Duckworth-Lewis Rules; half a dozen quizzical faces immediately turned in my direction...

I did my best and consoled myself with the thought that amongst the thirteen players and two umpires out on the field, there probably weren't above three or four of those who could answer the questions either.

[Captn_Black]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

I can't see Capt Blacks pics either - Firefox on PC running XP.

Just checked other browser. Can see them on Chrome, so maybe is an FF thing

If I could upload from my laptop harddrive I would be ok with changing the format in Paint, then reuploading, but any more effort than that I can't manage just for the minority that can't see the pics, sorry. If anyone has an effective solution that isn't harder than that I will try it.

[Captn_Black]

0/10

[bobnlesley]

Originally Posted by skipmac

...Measurements on finished lumber is based on the original rough sawn board before planing and finishing. So an actual 2x4 is cut from a log but before it's sold the rough cut board is planed and sanded smooth leaving a 1 1/2 x 3 1/2.

...as I understand it, in the metric world they have 5x10s (cm). Are those really 5x10 or do they cheat on the metric lumber as well?

UK/Europe do the same, though to add to your confusion, the timbers are specified/ordered in millimetres rather than centimetres so a 4" x 2" would be a 100 x 50mm.

What you describe as 'cheating' also depends on the timber too and is likely the same in both Europe and North America and in theory isn't really cheating:
A 'sawn' softwood or hardwood 4x2/100x50 timber, which you might use in a roof or stud-wall (carpentry) is, subject to a slight cutting tolerances 'full sized'
A 'wrought' softwood timber which you might use in a door frame (joinery) would be around 1/2" or 12mm smaller than the stated size as you need that 1/4"/6mm on each face to plane the timber smooth/square.
Whilst a 'wrought' hardwood timber should only be around 1/4"/6mm smaller as that planing allowance is reduced - finer/denser grain, so you shouldn't need to remove as much timber to get it smooth.
This in the UK at least is/was as dictated by the RICS & RIBA and as a fresh faced (well, actually a bit spotty) Quantity Surveyor 40 years ago, that's how they'd measure.
With better and computer controlled tooling in the 21st Century, one could probably expect those tolerances/planing allowances to reduce, but the reality is that it's gone the other way: Wrought softwood timber sizes are unchanged, whilst wrought hardwood timbers are now generally the same size as the softwood ones. In any single piece of timber that saving's miniscule, but the saving of 1-2mm on every board, plus an additional 6mm on hardwood board, adds up over the course of a year to a huge saving for a lumber company.

Sorry, I almost forgot about this being the joke thread: As a teenager I had a good friend who was and indeed still is, known to all as 'Forby', but only those who were at school with Steve know that this nickname is not an abbreviation of his surname, but is more correctly spelt 'fourby' because he was as thick as a four by two.

[bobnlesley]

For those who might question the humour/interest that test cricket can provide, I would commend this commentary (it begins at around minute three): https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4uewlx

It even takes a pop at Tasmanians.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by chrisr

i thought a test match was 5 days ?



cheers,

I think I fell asleep after four.

[Captn_Black]

Worth it

[Captn_Black]

Not really a joke, but I thought it was funny - I watched a YT video of some rich yachties on their Atlantic crossing. They had an issue with a bolt on their wind vane pilot constantly coming loose, but never once did they think of putting a second nut on it to lockdown the first. Instead they were hanging over the side everyday to tighten the nut. Being stupid is hard work.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by bobnlesley

Not the cap, the players on the losing side generally wear green ones.

Ooooooooh. Mean.

[MicHughV]

in cricket...a player that does not score any runs and is bowled out is said to have scored a "duck"....
probably the most embarrassing thing you would hear about a player...." oh, so and so scored a duck"...this is a head hanging moment, a cause to stand in the corner kind of thing...
well, as they say in good 'ole UK..."that's cricket for you"...

[MicHughV]

as a sport, it has it's dangerous moments....back in the day, you, as the batter would face a bowler trying to hurl a rock hard ball at you with all the speed he can muster...the ball must bounce on the ground first before trying to kill you...
wearing a crotch protector was mandatory...and you think this is a wimpy game...
nowadays, players wear full body armor, helmets similar to football players, so the ball won't demolish all your front teeth, but back in my day, it was risky business...and that's no joke !!

[papaver]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Cricket, comparative semantics, sigh. Can we get back to some proper jokes soon please :-)

[Captn_Black]

Originally Posted by papaver

Cricket, comparative semantics, sigh. Can we get back to some proper jokes soon please :-)

[MicHughV]

little Johnny and little Janie are playing in the park, bragging about different things..
Johnny " well, my dad has a bigger house then your dad....
Janie " well, my dad has a bigger car....

This goes on and on and in frustration Johhny pulls down his pants and says " well, I've got one of these and you don't"....Janie goes home crying as she knows she is beat on that count...

Next day, Janie meets Johnny at the park and whips down her drawers and tells Johnny "well, my mother sez I've got one of these, and with one of these, I can have all of those I want"....

[Captn_Black]

High quality bait...