The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

You don't like Ron White jokes?

Should he change his name to Ron American?

[goguygo]

We make our way.

I was a huge Oakland A's fan when I was a kid and loved Charlie Finley's ideas.

A visionary- It's too bad his optic yellow baseball was shelved (but tennis took it up).
A true showman- he saw a young man performing to get a ticket into the Oakland Coliseum to watch the game.

He befriended the young man- Stanley Burrell...




and the rest is history.

[goguygo]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

You don't like Ron White jokes?..

Probably... completely... unrelated.


The comedy tour of Ron White, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry The Cable Guy was classic.


If you think the French Riviera is a foreign car...

[socaldmax]

[QUOTE=..the problem is ignorance on the part of many, mostly white folk. Most white American people couldn't define Nigeria on a map if they had too.

That's the problem here, labeling.....the color of a person's skin does not define who they are. We need to embrace cultural diversity, plain and simple.

We are all human beings, for goodness sake.....

Sorry to go on a rant here, but I felt this joke thread was going in a bad direction.[/QUOTE]

Did you actually read what you wrote?

First you blame people because their skin is white, "the problem is ignorance on the part of many, mostly white folk."

That's to be expected, since they comprise 72% of the American population.

Then you say, "That's the problem here, labeling.....the color of a person's skin does not define who they are."

Absolutely right. I'm just waiting for black "leaders" to stop screaming about black this, or black that, etc. Seems to me they're the ones doing the labeling.

Why did you label white people as ignorant? Aren't there ignorant people all over the world, not just in America?

How many kids in Nigeria can locate Paris, TX on a map? That would be fair, correct?

We are all Americans, which I do agree with. I treat people as they deserve to be treated, based on their behavior. Take your post, for example...

[chrisr]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

I'm curious to know why there are " African Americans" in the USA....??
but never a mention of "Asia-Americans"..."European Americans"..."Italian Americans"..."French Americans"..."Polish Americans"...ad infinitum...

Africa is huge continent, several times the size of the USA, with 50 odd countries there...are Egyptians considered " African Americans" ?...no, they are referred to as "Egyptians"....Morrocans as Morrocans, etc...but they are all from "Africa"...
it's never " Nigerian Americans"..."Uganda-Americans, etc...or even just plain " Nigerian"
Most black Americans have little or no "African" heritage anymore...they don't speak any African Languages, follow any African customs, etc, have likely never even been there and the same is likely true of the many white immigrants here as well, the USA being a melting pot of nationalities..

But if you have dark skin in the USA, you are simply from " Africa...that's like saying a Frenchman is "European American"...there are plenty of white folk living in the USA from Africa....are they too "African American"???

It would be so much simpler and less destructive to society to say everyone here in the USA is "American"...as America is huge melting pot of nationalities. Black Americans have been here in the USA for generations and are as much a part of American culture as any other nationality. They have fought side by side with white Americans in various wars and deserve equal recognition for their service as plain "Americans" !!!.

I listened to a black preacher the other day, he was admonishing the white congegration and telling them, he couldn't take it anymore, he would overhear people referring to him " as "Father Joe, he is from Africa"...he told everyone " I'm not from Africa...I'm from Nigeria"..the problem is ignorance on the part of many, mostly white folk. Most white American people couldn't define Nigeria on a map if they had too.

That's the problem here, labeling.....the color of a person's skin does not define who they are. We need to embrace cultural diversity, plain and simple.

We are all human beings, for goodness sake.....

Sorry to go on a rant here, but I felt this joke thread was going in a bad direction.

and political stuff like this don't help to get the JOKE thread back on track

lots of us here aren't even american for god's sake, and have zero interest in whatever sh1t is going on there. we are just here for the jokes, so how's about everyone takes their politics somewhere else ? please ?

cheers,

[AKA-None]

Had to jump in. If you are a citizen of a country then that’s what you are. What you were is not who you are any longer. I’m not polish but my grandparents were, then they became Americans.

[goguygo]

Don't feed the troll any more than you have submarinemax. Ignore it and get back to posting up your funnies.

[goguygo]

One of my favorite boat jokes...


Ahoy Polloi

[socaldmax]

When I was in sub school, I was warned that I'd be "tested" by the crew to see if I fit in.

When I got to my first boat, I was greeted topside by a big torpedoman who grabbed me, kissed me and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I returned the tongue action and he turned around and announced to everyone topside, "I like this guy! He's a good kisser!"

Six months later, another ET came to the boat and he was also kissed topside by the same torpedoman. He grabbed the TM's nuts and the TM turned around and told everyone, "I like this one! He's a live wire! These new ETs are pretty good guys!"

The new guy and I became great friends and they started calling us "Frick and Frack" and we had a lot of fun pulling pranks that people couldn't figure out because if they suspected me, it would happen if I wasn't there. We got away with some good ones. One time Jerry got me good!

There was an equipment status log (bag book) that had a new entry made every time something broke or degraded. It was routed up the chain of command so everyone knew the current status of all systems and the book was updated and routed again when the system was repaired. As LPO of the ET division, I took great pride in how few entries of ours were in the book. Most of the time, we repaired the unit before the bag book had been signed by everyone. I updated with the time of repair and sent it back up the chain again.

The problem I had with Jerry is he would fix the equipment while on watch, then I would relieve him and he wouldn't tell me what he fixed on watch, he forgot to tell me. Then someone would ask me when we were going to fix XYZ. I'd go test it and it was already fixed. Then I'd have to wake him up and have him sign the bag book and enter what time he fixed it. I teased him that he "bagged" me, meaning he didn't give a full turn over or left work for me to do.

One night I came up to take the watch and asked him if there was anything to turn over, he said no. Then he handed me a gallon ziplock bag full of buttons and switches. I asked him, "What's this?" He replied, "You were complaining how I bag you all the time. Well, here's a bag full of all of the buttons from the ESM stack." I was flabbergasted! There was no way to operate the ESM stack without all of the buttons reinstalled nd if I couldn't operate the ESM stack, the boat was vulnerable to RADAR and other forms of detection! I told him he was an ******* while I scrambled to reinstall over 100 buttons in the correct locations from memory!

I was about halfway done installing all of the buttons when a weak "chirp, chirp, chirp" came over the early warning receiver. Jerry poked his head around the corner and aid, 'Better hurry up, sounds like you've got a contact! HAHAHA"

Then the OOD, "ESM Conn, what is that radar I hear over the early warning receiver?" Fortunately, I knew what it was by sound, so I replied, "Conn ESM, it's an APS-115, friendly airborne radar." "ESM Conn aye!"

I went back to hurriedly putting my ESM stack back together, luckily we weren't near a battle group or under threat of detection!

I still crack up when I think of those days!

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

As LPO of the ET division.......

....did you ever get to phone home...????

[StuM]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Well, here's a bag full of all of the buttons from the ESM stack." I was flabbergasted!

Guess it would be even funnier if any of us had a clue what an ESM stack is or what the buttons are for.

[socaldmax]

When I got to the boat, I had already taken the E-5 exam and missed it by .5 point. Since they multiply your test score by your time in service and time in rate, I was told to resubmit for recalculation at my next command. The extra couple of months in the Navy and in rate would put me way over for advancement. When I got o the boat, I asked to COB for permission to resubmit my test results. He refused. His reasoning: you'll make E-5 and I need E-4s to wash dishes, or mess crank. So do your time mess cranking, take the next test and if you're as good as you say you are, you'll make E-5 the next cycle.

My boss was an E-6 who had basically give up. Our chief was actually an senior chief and probably one of the wisest men and leaders I've ever met. A few months after I arrived, he made master chief, the highest enlisted rank and he actually out ranked the COB, who was still a senior chief. I took the test again and started mess cranking, which I hated. 20 hrs a day of peeling potatoes, serving food, washing dishes, etc.

On the 69th day, the Capt. came into the scullery and said, "Hey, I've got some good news and some great news! You made E-5, so put on a clean uniform and muster topside! The great news is you won't have to serve lunch! Congrats!"

I joined the ET division as the least senior member. Since the E-6 had "checked out" mentally and was doing nothing and the 2 other E-5s were getting out soon, the ETCM (master chief) made me the division LPO about 6 months later, even though I was in the middle in terms of seniority. Kinda awkward. My 4 new ETs came at a time when we got a lot of new people, so none of them ever had to mess crank.

My crowning achievement on that boat was when the COB came to me and said, "We're voting and ranking all of the E-5s. It's a tie between you and Hambone because Hambone is qualified Chief of the Watch (2 pay grades above our current pay grade), but if you do it also, then you're the clear winner."

I was in the middle of standing all of my UI watches, taking the tests, getting my qual card filled out line by line when a little birdie chirped to me. We were headed to Vallejo soon and the COB's plan was to put the Duty Chief on a 7 day rotation and put Hambone and I on the weekends, permanently. The 5 junior chiefs would take Mon. - Fri. and Hambone would have Sat. and I'd have Sun. We'd never get to go back to San Diego and see our families. I was pissed, but didn't let on. I finished up everything and got my qual card signed but I didn't sign the qual book, so I couldn't stand teh watch. However, since I finished my qual card, I could put "completed all qualifications for Chief of the Watch and Duty Chief" on my evals. It was a big deal for an E-5 and they couldn't stop me. Right after the evals were done, they told us the results of the E-5 rankings.

Hambone was ranked #1 and he deserved it, he was standing watch every Sat. and never going home, I was going home every weekend. I was ranked #2 and the rest of my division were ranked #3 through #6! I was so proud of my division! As LPO, there's no greater honor than to have your entire division ranked higher than anyone else on the entire boat (except for Hambone, who really deserved it!)

It meant a lot because the rankings were the votes of all of the chiefs onboard, and they had all voted for my guys instead of their own E-5s! Not to be immodest, but we won a lot of awards for the best operational readiness due to our gear being up and running at all times. This is also mentioned in Wikipedia.

"The next few years saw a number of other accomplishments - Plunger was recognized for excellence in virtually every major inspection and won the Battle Efficiency (the coveted "Battle E") award for overall combat readiness. Although aging, Plunger maintained a grueling operational schedule, spending over 60% of her time at sea and never missing a scheduled underway period - a record that many much newer submarines were unable to match."

We actually won 4 out of the last 5 Battle Es awarded prior to decommissioning.

"At the time of decommissioning Plunger was noted by the San Diego Tribune as being the most-decorated submarine in the Pacific Fleet and it was the most-decorated warship in San Diego. Through its history, Plunger was awarded four Navy Unit Commendations as well as multiple Meritorious Unit Commendations, Battle Efficiency, and other awards. And as of its retirement Plunger was the only submarine to win the Arleigh Burke Award (in 1969 under Commanding Officer Nils Thunman)."

I'm still friends with the Master Chief and we still marvel at how lucky we were to get the men we did in our division, they were truly one in a million! They were such excellent techs and hard workers that on the rare occasions when we were in port, they usually had all of their work done by 1130. Anybody who didn't have duty was sent home for the day. When I had duty, the other LPOs would ask me, "Where is your division?" "They went home at lunchtime.' They were so jealous! LOL

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

....did you ever get to phone home...????

Very rarely!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by StuM

Guess it would be even funnier if any of us had a clue what an ESM stack is or what the buttons are for.

Sorry!

An ESM stack is a system of very complex and sensitive radio receivers capable of detecting and analyzing anything in the radio bandwidth, especially communications and radar signals. We can determine the purpose of the radar (air search, surface search, navigation, altimeter, weather, fire control, missile guidance, missile tracking, gun director, etc) and more importantly, the nationality and vessel type the emitters are on.

If, for example a missile guidance radar locks onto you steady, it means you've been detected and they are seconds from launching a missile at you. Not good.

Without all of the buttons, I can't do anything with this complex system. It turns into a multi-million dollar space heater.

[socaldmax]

Here's a picture of me with my second wife.