The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

My stepdad was so ignorant, partly because he dropped out of 9th grade, partly because he was too busy telling you what he didn't know, he never heard what people were trying to tell him

Shortly after my mom married him and I was 9 yrs old, we were at the dinner table and he said, "The Navy ain't never done me no wrong." I was surprised at his sentence structure, because he was from the Seattle, WA area and I thought that would have come from someone who lived somewhere in the south, for example. I replied, "The least they could have done was taught you some grammar." My mom burst out laughing and he spent the next 9 yrs trying to exact revenge.

An example of his ignorance was he was too cheap to pay for push button phone service, about $1.50/mo. more. I asked him how many hours of his life did he spend watching the rotary dial spin back every month?

He bought a junk MB for about $10K and spent another $25K making it perfect. He sold it for $65K and on his taxes, he listed it as $65k profit. I tried to explain to him that he had to deduct the $35k he spent on it as expenses, his actual profit was only $30k. He said, "I'm not going to jail just because some high school kid doesn't know anything about taxes." I asked my mom, "Why don't you talk to him? That's also your money he's wasting!" She said, "I quit trying to teach him yrs ago. Besides, we don't file that tax return. I tell him I'm going to mail it, then I go down to the base and the tax guys there do our taxes based on the numbers I provide. Believe me, I'm not going to let him lose a penny with the IRS."

When I started high school, my mom demanded straight As. She offered $10 per A, but loss of all money and restriction until the next report card for a B. I counter offered with - if I maintained a 4.0 GPA up until just before the prom, they had to buy me a new car to go to college with and I had to have it before the prom. If the car didn't arrive before the prom, then I'd be forced to take the 190 SL or the 300 SL roadster. Mom laughed for a good 3 minutes over that one!!

The day came, stepdad said, "We don't owe him sh1t." Mom said, "A deal's a deal. Let's go get him a Honda Accord." The Honda dealer wanted $3k extra (popular car) so she went to the VW dealer and saw the Scirocco, Wolfsburg Edition. WOW!


I won't go into the gory details, but I had the most epic prom night ever, right up until 8am. Even Penthouse Letters wouldn't have believed it! Over the next 4 yrs, I came to realize my GF had the mind of a 50 yr old hooker wrapped in a voluptuous 17 yr old body...

[socaldmax]

My mom always said she was Mother Nature, inspired by the TV commercial. She'd say, "You don't mess with Mother Nature."

She always seemed to know everything about everything. She would always catch me with the milk carton, before drinking out of it, yelling, "GET A GLASS!" from the other end of the house!

I asked her how she knew about something stupid I did at the other end of town. She said, "I have spies everywhere. I have eyes in the back of my head. I have RADAR in my forehead. I own all of the satellites, the CIA comes to me for info! I control the weather! I'm the reason you even live! Every stupid idea that pops into your head - I successfully did it 25 yrs ago! Give up while you're behind, because I'm never wrong! Some day you'll realize I was always right!"

After I left home, I'd stop by once in awhile to see her for lunch. She'd say, "My, you're getting fat! Let me make you a sandwich!" Then she'd make a huge 6" tall sandwich with 4 different smoked meats, 5 different cheeses, pickles, onions, tomatoes, romaine lettuce, deli mustard on toasted sourdough bread!

I was about 21 when I stopped by and while eating my sandwich, I admitted that she had always been right, every single time. She always wisely chose her battles and won the wars.

She grabbed her chest and in her best Fred Sanford impersonation, yelled, "This is the big one! I'm dying! I'm coming to join you Elizabeth!"

When I was married and in the Navy, the sub got transferred from San Diego to Vallejo to get decommissioned. The Chief of the Boat asked me to drive up and reserve barracks rooms for the 100 enlisted guys. The barracks officer told me they wouldn't assign barracks rooms until the boat arrived in a couple of days. In the meantime, another boat arrived and took all of the rooms. The COB decided we would take our mattresses and put them on the work barge.

During a phone call to mom, I happened to mention the berthing situation and she said, "They can't do that. They have to put you on a berthing barge, in the barracks, or if they cannot provide adequate housing, then you can go out in town and rent any hotel room you want, like a suite at The Sir Francis Drake Hotel and they have to pay for it."

I went and told the COB and he turned to the yeomen and asked, "Is that true?" They looked it up and verified it was true. He wasn't about to let me book a suite, so he rented out the entire Motel 8 just off base for the crew.

I called mom a couple days later to tell her she was right. "I don't need you to tell me I'm right. I'm always right, it just takes the rest of you a while to realize it!"
Then she asks me, "Are you collecting your FSA (Family Separation Allowance) yet?" I told her the yeomen said we weren't eligible because we were still in the same state.

She said, "They're wrong. Any time you're stationed more than 500 mi from where your family was left, you get FSA. Vallejo is just over 500 mi. You're supposed to get FSA."

I went back and told the COB the next day. He turned to the yeomen again and asked, "Is that true?" They looked it up and she was right. He said, "Why do I have you guys for? Why don't I just hire his mom to take over for you? So far, she's been right both times and you guys have been wrong!"

About 15 yrs later, I was working at a defense contractor. They offered a $500 bonus for any employee who brought in a new guy and he could make it through the 6 month probation period. We had everyone from laborers, to wiring harness people, assemblers, Eng. Techs 3, 5, 6; Engineers 1-4, Senior Engineers, etc.

This coworker Barry drove about 120 mi/day round trip. He brought a neighbor who lived in his condo complex and got him a job as a laborer. The kid was ok, he paid attention and was willing to learn. I taught him a few tricks to make the labor jobs easier and by the 6 month point, he was building wiring harnesses and doing pretty good. All this time, he was riding to and from work with Barry. At least 6 or 7 times I heard the kid offer to split the gas money and Barry always refused.

Around the 7 month mark, after Barry collected his $500 bonus the kid started missing work. I asked Barry and he said the kid wasn't awake, he was hung over when he was ready to leave so he left him behind. That didn't make sense to me since the kid was Muslim and I knew he did't drink. I talked to him and he said Barry suddenly turned on him and was leaving early, not even knocking on his door as before. I talked to the supervisor, but his answer was, if the kid can't get to work somehow, he's of no use, so they fired him.

Then Barry started talking sh1t and claiming the kid never offered to pay for gas. I was pretty disgusted with him for lying. I stopped by mom's house to say "Hi." I mentioned all this stuff at work and she said, "How far does this liar drive to work?" "About 120 mi a day." "How much do those Fastpass things cost?" "About $50/month." "Then liar owes the kid $300 for allowing him to drive in the HOV lane and saving him a lot of time and $50/mo. The gas cost for an extra person is negligible."

A couple days later Barry was talking trash about the kid again, claiming he never got any gas money. I said, "That's a lie, and you know it. All of us know it, we all witnessed the kid offer you gas money 6 or 7 times and you refused every time! Furthermore, you did this just to collect the $500 bonus and drive in the HOV lane for free. You owe the kid $300 for saving you Fastpass fees!" He was stunned. He never expected pushback! A couple of other guys chimed in that he owed the kid $300 and he never mentioned him again.

As usual, Mother Nature was right! LOL

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[goguygo]

Omg, so funny. Love the stepdad stories. ��

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by CaptTom

Wow, I had no idea there was a real Alice's Restaurant, or that the song was based on real events. And Alice herself lives not all that far away in P'Town.

Thanks!!

Like Hollywood I think the song was "based on a true story" but obviously a lot of poetic license. I believe the draft board part was also more or less based on what happened when Arlo was called for a physical.

Would love to visit the gallery but not sure if I'll get to that part of the world this year.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

But if not...
...what a way to go.

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by AKA-None

Well the police do have Sting

Not anymore.

[LakeSuperior]

This may be a repeat but whatever...


Who is the vegan cousin of Bruce Lee?

Broccoli

[LakeSuperior]

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you led the way to the creation of modern science.”

Galileo smiled with joy and walked away.

Leonardo, intrigued by Galileo’s question, says, “Jesus, please tell me what I’m remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Leonardo, you are remembered as one of the best painters, sculptors, architects, scientists, and anatomists in all of history. Your paintings of the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are still considered to be one of the most miraculous works of art of all time.”

Leonardo smiled with joy and walked away.

Marco, now eager to ask the same question, says, “Jesus, please tell me what I’m remembered for on Earth all these years later.”

Jesus pauses for a significant amount of time and starts sweating profusely. After minutes of silence and a pool of sweat forming at his feet, Jesus replies, “Ok, so a bunch of kids get into a pool...”

[AKA-None]

Originally Posted by Adelie

Not anymore.

Oh you’re right Frodo has it

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by AKA-None

Oh you’re right Frodo has it

Yes and Frodo was a cannibal.

[goguygo]

Ron White, on bouncers kicking him out of a bar...


I don't know how many of 'em it would've taken to kick my ass...
But I knew how many they were gonna use.

[socaldmax]

Speaking of Ron White, I love "You can't fix stupid!"

An old submarine shipmate of mine has printed up a bunch of sweaters and T-shirts with the following on it:

"I'm a Submariner.
I CAN fix stupid...
but it's gonna hurt like hell!"

[MicHughV]

I'm curious to know why there are " African Americans" in the USA....??
but never a mention of "Asia-Americans"..."European Americans"..."Italian Americans"..."French Americans"..."Polish Americans"...ad infinitum...

Africa is huge continent, several times the size of the USA, with 50 odd countries there...are Egyptians considered " African Americans" ?...no, they are referred to as "Egyptians"....Morrocans as Morrocans, etc...but they are all from "Africa"...
it's never " Nigerian Americans"..."Uganda-Americans, etc...or even just plain " Nigerian"
Most black Americans have little or no "African" heritage anymore...they don't speak any African Languages, follow any African customs, etc, have likely never even been there and the same is likely true of the many white immigrants here as well, the USA being a melting pot of nationalities..

But if you have dark skin in the USA, you are simply from " Africa...that's like saying a Frenchman is "European American"...there are plenty of white folk living in the USA from Africa....are they too "African American"???

It would be so much simpler and less destructive to society to say everyone here in the USA is "American"...as America is huge melting pot of nationalities. Black Americans have been here in the USA for generations and are as much a part of American culture as any other nationality. They have fought side by side with white Americans in various wars and deserve equal recognition for their service as plain "Americans" !!!.

I listened to a black preacher the other day, he was admonishing the white congegration and telling them, he couldn't take it anymore, he would overhear people referring to him " as "Father Joe, he is from Africa"...he told everyone " I'm not from Africa...I'm from Nigeria"..the problem is ignorance on the part of many, mostly white folk. Most white American people couldn't define Nigeria on a map if they had too.

That's the problem here, labeling.....the color of a person's skin does not define who they are. We need to embrace cultural diversity, plain and simple.

We are all human beings, for goodness sake.....

Sorry to go on a rant here, but I felt this joke thread was going in a bad direction.