The New Joke Thread

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Cat36Mahalo

Lucas is only a Prince. Magneti Marelli should be crowned king. I went from Lucas on TR3’s. Then owned two Alfa’s a 56 & 58 spiders. One was Lucas the other MM - Lucas was far better

I've had a TR3 (wish I had it now) a TR4 and a bug-eyed sprite. They were all great cars but like any british spots car - you drove it from monday to saturday and spent sunday fixing it

all three of them had lucas - meaning none of the electrical systems functioned properly

[svmariane]

Still being stuck in the "time" rabbit hole, I stumbled across this quote and have blatently appropriated it for the Joke Thread. Corrections or comments should be directed to the original author, whoever or wherever s/he may be.

When I was a child, digital watches came into fashion, and a Berlin newspaper published an April Fool's article, that from the next year to come, time would be metric, a day having 100 Einstein instead of 24 hours, one Einstein then having 100 minutes. Owners of those in these days rather expensive digital watches would not need to worry, one could switch to the new scheme by simply pressing a specific sequence of buttons, anybody else would need to see their clockmaker to adjust the mechanics.

[AKA-None]

[socaldmax]

When did the world get so sensitive?


I remember (seems like yesterday) when I was in the Navy and one of my subordinates would come to me whining about something (especially in front of one of the other LPOs) the standard answer could be any of the following:

1. Does it look like I give a sh1t?
2. They don't pay me enough to give a sh1t.
3. Did you bring your mother in your seabag? If so, bring her over here, I want a crack at her, we've been out to sea for too long!
4. Do I remind you of your mother? I sure effing hope not!
5. They don't pay me enough to be your mother.
6. Now I see why your mother paid the recruiter a huge bonus to take you.
7. Why are you here? Is your recruiter STILL pissed off about his wife??
8. There are 2 kinds of problems in this world. Universal and personal. Guess which one this is? Now keep it that way.
9. In an effort to respect your privacy, I'm going to let you deal with this personal problem yourself.
10. There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Problems and problem solvers. Which one are you?
11. I must have been really high on drugs 19 yrs ago when I gave birth to you. I have no recollection of it at all.
12. Why yes, you're absolutely right! You do have a big problem.
13. "Of all the subs in all the seas in all the world, you end up in mine..."
14. Did your parents have any kids who survived?
15. What exactly did your mother tell you when you came to her with your problems? You mean she didn't say a word, just pulled the trigger?
16. Wow! This is going to take some creative problem solving! Let me think about it for a week and I'll let you know.
17. Today's just not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
18. No, really - how are you ever going to learn unless you suffer horribly from your mistakes?
19. I remember having this same exact problem when I was your age. My mom leaned over the crib and said in her sweet Japanese voice, "Good morning!! Who filled that diaper with sh1t? Not me! No! When I come back tomorrow afternoon, I expect you to have changed your diaper and cleaned your entire nursery!"
20. I asked my mom for advice on your problem. My Japanese is a bit rusty but if I got it right, she says your only solution is Seppuku. Unfortunately, I didn't bring a wakizashi with me, but I can offer you a sharpened pencil, a box cutter or a rope. Any preference?

After doing this a few times, the guys learned not to bring their petty problems to me and figured out how to problem solve on their own, in addition to adjusting to submarine humor.

Ah, the simpler days. We roamed the seas with impunity, greeted each other with "Eff off!" or "Kill a Commie for Mommy!" and we didn't worry about protesters, cops, traffic jams , looting or feelings.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Still being stuck in the "time" rabbit hole, I stumbled across this quote and have blatently appropriated it for the Joke Thread. Corrections or comments should be directed to the original author, whoever or wherever s/he may be.

When I was a child, digital watches came into fashion, and a Berlin newspaper published an April Fool's article, that from the next year to come, time would be metric, a day having 100 Einstein instead of 24 hours, one Einstein then having 100 minutes. Owners of those in these days rather expensive digital watches would not need to worry, one could switch to the new scheme by simply pressing a specific sequence of buttons, anybody else would need to see their clockmaker to adjust the mechanics.

I wonder how many fell for that! I remember those watches, they were very expensive!

[Mirage35]

April Fools, reminds me of a good one a few decades ago:

A radio station in the town where I lived broadcast a public service announcement that TPC (The Phone Company) would be blowing the dust out of the lines, and that it was advised to put a plastic bag over your phone so the dust wouldn't get into the house.

[Note to younger readers: at the time telephones were connected by a wire to a jack in the wall.]

I worked for TPC at the time and heard from credible sources that they had calls for the next few days asking if it was okay to take the bag off the phone.

[svmariane]

Found it. Be patient, as he starts with some simplistic explanations before getting into it. He starts covering Kiribati within the first 2 mins. Also, gets into the differences between PacIOOS and Google Maps. None of this really matters when sailing along at 5 knots. I'm just trying to crawl out of the rabbit hole. Anyway... enjoy or ignore the video. Whatever works for you.

Now it's time for me to go joke hunting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBppb2quqkE

[Freedom45]

We were in Samoa. Wife needed to go to American Samoa for just a few hours to pick up package.
Book a flight for today, the return flight is yesterday. The computers don’t like it.

[AKA-None]

Yeah it makes sense until it doesn’t

[chrisr]

Originally Posted by Cat36Mahalo

Lucas is only a Prince. Magneti Marelli should be crowned king. I went from Lucas on TR3’s. Then owned two Alfa’s a 56 & 58 spiders. One was Lucas the other MM - Lucas was far better

as someone who's owned a few alfas (but no TR3...), you are a glutton for punishment aren't you !

cheers,

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[StuM]

Originally Posted by dfelsent

Yes it would be wrong.

But amusing


And depends on the meaning of "wrong".


In this case, I suspect it is being used as a synonym for "politically correct"

[jeepbluetj]

"I swear, as God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly...."

(somebody's gonna get that....)

[StuM]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

8. There are 2 kinds of problems in this world. Universal and personal. Guess which one this is? Now keep it that way.

Man, there are a lot of places where that would have been the perfect response in this thread.