The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by GILow

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vladimir_Lenin

Ohh... despite my lack of education I have heard of Lenin, but due to the crosswise pic in the post, I hadn't fully comprehended the label on the jars. And I was trying to relate it to the appended comments.

Now it isn't so obtuse, but still not very funny to my warped sense of humour.

Jim

[Wotname]

Originally Posted by StuM

Worse! It doesn't contain any alcohol

I reckon that is part of the joke - Lenin's system wasn't what it was touted to be...

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

This must be a full service bank. Those crazy Russians!

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

Musings of an anonymous lady sailor, member of CF...


I want to be a Bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.

If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.

He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... I want to be a bear !

[socaldmax]

Those are some lofty goals!

LOL

[bobnlesley]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

ELECTRICAL THEORY BY JOSEPH LUCAS

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as “smoke”.
Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defence secrets Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd. This has been referred to as the smoke theory when the smoke comes out its finished, cooked or done for.

And remember: “A gentleman does not motor about after dark.”

Joseph Lucas “The Prince of Darkness”
1834-1902

A few Lucas quips:

The Lucas motto: “Get home before dark.”

Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

[carstenb]

Why do the British drink warm beer?

Lucas (the Prince of Darkness) makes the refrigerators.

[socaldmax]

That, and my second wife...

[a64pilot]

Prince of darkness indeed.

As a kid I built and raced drag racing motorcycles. Worked at Star Cycles in Americus Ga.
One night I riding with a group, I was on a Triumph Bonneville, a decent handling bike, we were going around a left hand sweeper with me in the lead, speed was I guess close to 100 MPH, the headlight got REAL bright, a very while light, then went out.
Somehow I remembered the radius of the turn and got myself around it completely blind, but it was honestly terrifying, waiting to feel the curb.

The Lucas rectifier failed and allowed all the power the lighting coil could make into the system, rectifiers work by shorting excess power to ground so when they fail, nothing controls the current, it all goes to the battery, or no current, it can go either way. Lucas I guess chose the wide open failure mode.

[svmariane]

Things found when inadvertently going to the wrong website.


My little girl just said to me: "Mom, how is progress possible if our growth is stunted by perpetual tribalism and xenophobia?" Wow. Lierally at a loss for words. She's a German Shepard. I had no idea this was possible.
***

People who speak a second language brokenly are often made fun of when in reality they're often smarter than the smart-a** person poking fun who doesn't speak a second language.
***

First Date

Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I'm currently trying to remove all cancers.
Her: Wow! Impressive.
Him: Then I'll move on to virgos.
***

A German man just came into the pub and tried to ask for some cutlery to go with his lunch but ended up saying "I need some food weapons" and I will now be referring to them by nothing else.
***

Welcome to college. Where every single person is smarter than you
except the 3 people in your group project.
***

It's been 4 years since my job interview.
I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
***

Please... Slim Jim was my father's name. Call me Slimothy James.
***

A good deed becomes a selfish act the moment you take out your phone to record it.
***

There was this guy name Luke who moved into our college dorm before he finally realized that "lukewarm" was a common term and not a unique description of how his Mum regulated the bath temperature.
***

Finally met my first grandchild - 20 months old and smart as a whip. Has a little trouble with words, though. (sigh) Guess I'll spend the next 30 years or so being called "Peepo".
***

Simple facts I'm terrified of my toddler discovering:

- public parks don't randomly close
- TV's don't run out of batteries
- chicken the animal and chicken the food are one and the same
- there's no actual world record for "fastest at putting away toys".
***
My wife suffers from partial dementia. Everybody says I need to talk with her, just talk, to help keep her mind active. So I bought an Amazon Echo Silver for her. Problem solved.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvT_gqs5ETk

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]