The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…

[socaldmax]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh1t.'

[svmariane]

Sorting through the pantry I wondered why there was so little on the shelves, especially since I've been trying to lose the beer-belly. So apparently I'm on this new diet going around: Did I Eat That?

[svmariane]

Old James Bond 007 film: "The world is not enough".

2020 remake: "The world is temporarily closed".

[svmariane]

About that low level of supplies in the pantry? Came up with this week's menu:

Sun - Steak
Mon - Burgers
Tues - Spaghetti
Wed - Ramen
Thur - Creamed Corn
Fri - Roadkill Squirrel
Sat - Dried Grass and Clover

[Eigenvector]

A couple just flagged me down honking and waving, when I stopped they told me I was about to lose my pipe wrench. I told em it was a step and it’s welded on. They proclaimed me King of the Rednecks right there on the spot.

[svmariane]

Etymology

[svmariane]

Is tomorrow Tuesday or June?

We're all brave in our own way.
For example, I'm not afraid of raw cookie dough.

I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning
and I don't know who's side I'm on.

One minute you're young and fun. And the next, you're turning down
the stereo in your car to see better.

Saying "have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly,
but saying "enjoy your next 24 hours" can get you arrested
for making terroristic threats. Go figure.

I don't pretend to be something I'm not.
Except sober. I've pretended to be sober a few times.

Remember when Botox was a taboo subject?
Now you mention it and nobody raises an eyebrow.

When somebody asks what I did over the weekend
I squint my eyes and ask "why - what did you hear"?

Potatos make french fries, crisps, and vodka.
It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying.

A waffle is simply a more considerate pancake. Like: Here, let me hold
that syrup for you in these convienient boxes.

Sorry I missed your phone call. I took too long to answer
because I was dancing to the ringtone.

Good Moms let your lick the cake-batter beaters...
Great Moms turn them off first.

Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it was like riding a bike.
It's not.



HEY! It's 25th May! In only six months you can switch from your regular anxiety to your fancy Christmas anxiety!

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by BlueH2Obound

Not even on my very BEST day!

I don't see/get it?

[IslandHopper]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

I don't see/get it?

Do you see it now?

[Copacabana]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMQPZe7cD7w

On the topic of re-opening...

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by Copacabana

On the topic of re-opening...

\

That was hilarious.

Sick, but hilarious.

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by carlosproa

Gramps Luis, please tell us your secret

- Well, I ****ed my sister in law for over 20 years!

No Gramps! Tell us your secret about longevity!

- Oh! OK - practice cycling [emoji468]*[emoji3601] as a long life exercise

Attachment 215688

According to the meme...its not his sister in law he did!

[socaldmax]

A Texas Highway Patrol Officer was conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville, TX.
The officer was using a handheld radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville and was suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then... It suddenly went dead. Immediately a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi, the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his officer's equipment. The reply came back in true USMC style:
"Thank you for your letter....
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77, south of Kingsville.
The pilot suggests your officer covers his mouth when cursing since the video systems on these jets are extremely high-tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster."
Semper Fi

[goguygo]

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