The New Joke Thread

[Montanan]

Recalling Bob Hope:

On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried.

Bob Hope replied: "Surprise me."


ON TURNING 70 - "I still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90 - "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 - " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Dear Lord -
Please give me a sense of humor,
give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk.

[a64pilot]

You know, a lot of the old Hollywood people were class acts, many weren’t, but many were.

[smbdyiam2]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

You know, a lot of the old Hollywood people were class acts, many weren’t, but many were.

yes they wanted to entertain.
Today most want to be rich.

[a64pilot]

I think it reflects how much society has changed. I believe that the TV has more influence in how children learn morality etc than pretty much anything.
In the 50’s and 60’s, people watched Andy Griffith, Lassie, Sky King, Flipper, later on the Brady Bunch, just look at all the shows that were in fact pretty thinly veiled lessons in how you should live and act, how to treat your fellow person, how family life should be etc.

Look at the shows now, keeping up with the Kardashians, 16 and pregnant, that little fat girl and now her Mother, most shows are extremely violent, the whole concept with the zombie genre is to allow extreme violence non stop, usually with firearms, but shows that aren’t violent show Women with very loose morals and the men who use them the two and a half men and sex in the city.
Now in truth I don’t watch those shows, but it seems plain what they are about, even Friends which I believe most think as good harmless fun, it’s how life really is, I watched one show where one of the Women was in the hospital about to give birth and was wondering which one of her “friends” the Father was.

People, especially now look up to and idolize trash, the whole opps my sex tape accidentally got published thing as an example.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

I think it reflects how much society has changed. I believe that the TV has more influence in how children learn morality etc than pretty much anything.
In the 50’s and 60’s, people watched Andy Griffith, Lassie, Sky King, Flipper, later on the Brady Bunch, just look at all the shows that were in fact pretty thinly veiled lessons in how you should live and act, how to treat your fellow person, how family life should be etc.

Look at the shows now, keeping up with the Kardashians, 16 and pregnant, that little fat girl and now her Mother, most shows are extremely violent, the whole concept with the zombie genre is to allow extreme violence non stop, usually with firearms, but shows that aren’t violent show Women with very loose morals and the men who use them the two and a half men and sex in the city.
Now in truth I don’t watch those shows, but it seems plain what they are about, even Friends which I believe most think as good harmless fun, it’s how life really is, I watched one show where one of the Women was in the hospital about to give birth and was wondering which one of her “friends” the Father was.

People, especially now look up to and idolize trash, the whole opps my sex tape accidentally got published thing as an example.

All predicted in 1964, with Marshall McLuhan's The Medium Is The Message.

If you want a shock, take a look at the literacy rates for the US.

This, too, is not a joke.

Ann

[crooks]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
-
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Check one: Health experts or stay at home protesters?

My reply to a political meme....

Don’t know about the rest of ya but I make my Own “Decisions” when it comes to My Own health & safety. Sure I’ll take the science and options in consideration, but it’s my own choice, just like the women’s movement is allowed to do!

[crooks]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

My reply to a political meme....

Don’t know about the rest of ya but I make my Own “Decisions” when it comes to My Own health & safety. Sure I’ll take the science and options in consideration, but it’s my own choice, just like the women’s movement is allowed to do!

We are a society. We have obligations. You don't live without us.

Science is limited, but it is what we have.

Belief is great, but it is not independent of science.

Life will continue, and the best of us can't see exactly what happens next.

The joke is, it doesn't matter. It will happen. I will be so happy to laugh about our foolish concern about life when so few died.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

All predicted in 1964, with Marshall McLuhan's The Medium Is The Message.

If you want a shock, take a look at the literacy rates for the US.

This, too, is not a joke.

Ann

So true Ann, that book changed my Life, made me decide not to get into Advertising

American comedianss like Bob Hope and even Don Rickles said some pretty outrageous things that would not be tolerated in today's PC world.

We accepted the humor then, I think because we believed in the intrinsic good of most people and just laughed at the objectives of Comedy, which is to show people or things at their WORST!

I find it ironic today that comedians can use the foulest of language, but are afraid to rattle the PC world.

[pianopraze]

Sign seen on Facebook:

"Just remember...

Someone out there is quarantined with you ex!"

[StuM]

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming:


“I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”.


“Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy” –



“What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh”


“A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows”


”A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it”


“Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning”


“I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it”


“After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging”


“To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian”


“I’ve got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts”


(Top ten 1 liners from the 2019 Edinborough Festival)

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Unless it's a china pencil.

I've often wondered: can a propelling pencil move a boat...???

[socaldmax]

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

Off topic but relevant ……………..

During this pandemic I have made some troubling observations of long time friends and associates.

A) Most people can't understand MATH, much less exponential equations. Unchecked with a infection rate of 2.3, the difference between 100,000 infected and 1,000,000 is less than a week.

B) Most people are not CRITICAL THINKERS. Look at the facts YOURSELF and come up with YOUR OWN opinion. Take a class in critical thinking. You'll learn about Baloney Detection.

C) I'm not going to waste time arguing with you because A&B applies. But thanks for playing.

Ok, enough. Everyone stay healthy…………………..

And then there is the Dunning-Kreuger Effect.....

[StuM]

> Most people can't understand MATH, much less exponential equations. Unchecked with a infection rate of 2.3, the difference between 100,000 infected and 1,000,000 is less than a week.


And some people don't know what an infection rate is


Hint: It's not a "relative growth rate", "doubling time" or any other time based number.