The New Joke Thread

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Only if you add something to it....

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Only if you add something to it....

Yes, it's actually a solvent.

But solution works better for the joke, doesn't it?

[Buzzman]

Soooo.....should I switch to drinking MEK or Toluene, then..???

Problem with that is, if I attempt to paint the town red, it might end up pink.

[Captain Bill]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Yes, it's actually a solvent.

But solution works better for the joke, doesn't it?

Actually in most cases it is a solution. It is really hard to get all the water out of alcohol because the boiling point of the water alcohol solution it's made from has a boiling point lower than pure alcohol so the best you can get with pure distillation is 95% alcohol or 190 proof. To get absolute alcohol one has to chemically treat the distilled solution to remove the water. Virtually any alcohol you can drink is in fact a solution.

[svmariane]

Reality Check

You need to show ID to purchase model paints and glue, but any of us are but a couple of clicks away from buying orange cones on Amazon and making traffic go anywhere we want.

And how about bicycle locks, right? The power! You can just walk down the street, see a grocery store or something, and CLICK - they're closed.

Here's a tip: Next time you're in a grocery store just take somebody else's cart. You save time - and you get to try new things. It's not stealing, right? What are they going to say? Excuse me, but I gathered that? Just reply thanks - you can regather çause now you know the route.

And what about those stores that require a membership card, you know, where you have to show the ID to get inside? What.... are they afraid someone might sneak in and buy stuff?

Moved into a new apartment a couple of weeks ago. Just yesterday I met my next door neighbor on the staircase landing. She said that sometimes she can hear me talking on my cordless phone over her baby monitor. I didn't know how to respond. She was grinning kind of weird, you know? So I said that actually I don't have a cordless phone. But occasionally I do sometimes stand in her baby's room and talk to him.

The secret to looking younger is to tell people that you are older.

If you want to feel like Superman, take a paintball gun to a Lazer-tag arena.

Ever look at a map of the United States? Wonder how the difference in state sizes came about? Well, see, they gave this guy a rough outline of the continent, and he was right handed, and to avoid smudges he started from the left and worked to the right. That's how we ended up with Connecticut and Rhode Island.
.

[svmariane]

The message you have entered is too short.
Like a certain exposed part of the male anatomy during a blizzard.
Polar bears excepted.

[svmariane]

Why was this posted on a website and not youtube.? Just wondering

[svmariane]

So I took my granddaughter's fiancee to the side one evening and, over a beer, gave a little advice. Said listen, kid, before you get into an argument with your spouse ask yourself this: Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy.
.

[Buzzman]

OR...... if you want to be both right AND happy, cancel the wedding.....

BWAHAHAHA

[svmariane]

You, sir, will be condemmed to Dante's Sixth Circle of Hell!

Heresy, sir, heresy! Why, everyone knows that a spouse is a deductable advantage when filing annual income tax forms!

[socaldmax]

That reminds me of a long running argument I had with my wife.

She would tell anyone who would listen that I never put the toilet seat down. I would pointedly contradict her and exclaim, "I ALWAYS put the toilet seat down! Also, if it's such a big deal to you, why don't you look first before you take a flying butt leap onto the toilet?"

After about 7 or 8 yrs of her nonsense, we had a couple of friends over for dinner and she brought the subject up again. To settle it once and for all, the 4 of us went to the bathroom and I pointed at the toilet and said, "See? The toilet seat is down. Period."

She pointed at the lid and said, "I'm talking about THAT seat!" The 3 of us burst into laughter!

I told her, "That is not the seat, it's the lid. You sit on the seat, you cannot sit on the lid and do either one without making a huge mess! It is not the seat!"

So she starts making excuses and says, "Well, I didn't know that!"

"How could you not know that?? You're 55 yrs old, how old do you have to be before you learn the proper names for the thing you clean every week??"

I thought it was a teachable moment, but apparently I'm just a big *******.

[Buzzman]

To be fair, either party could cancel and have the same outcome....

You, know, equitability etc....

[Buzzman]

And on the subject of the toilet seat LID - it's usually women who leave it up.

I mean, we blokes *always* lift the seat itself for Number 1, so if we put the seat down, then the lid would have gone with it, right..???

IME the beef is usually more like "LIFT THE SEAT AND AIM BETTER"....

Well... if we had to clean it, maybe we would.....

[snicker, snicker]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

You, sir, will be condemmed to Dante's Sixth Circle of Hell!

Heresy, sir, heresy! Why, everyone knows that a spouse is a deductable advantage when filing annual income tax forms!

As much as my wife spent, that deduction was just a drop in a huge sea.

When she overdrew the checking acct, she actually asked me how could that be, she still had checks in the checkbook. I kid you not.

She rear ended someone and the other party's attorney had her investigated to see if she had any money. She was so far in debt, they filed a lawsuit against her father to try and get some money.

She would get gas every other Thursday at 2:45 pm, and like clockwork, she'd call me at work and ask me to bring the spare key because she locked her keys in the car again. For the 100th time. I'm not exaggerating. The gas station attendant would try to get out of the booth in time to yell, "Don't close your door!" but it never worked. He'd sigh once again and hand her the phone.

She did so many incredibly dumb things, I kept asking myself if I was living Henny Youngman's life!

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

As much as my wife spent, that deduction was just a drop in a huge sea. (snip)

She did so many incredibly dumb things, I kept asking myself if I was living Henny Youngman's life!

Ah, but how fortunate that you HAD the money to survive her financial peccadilloes,
for in return you received her everyday, everlasting love!




Okay... sorry.... this IS the joke thread, right?