The New Joke Thread

[LakeSuperior]

Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.

But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though..."

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

[COLOR="Blue" This thread is in serious danger of being closed--again.

Please, guys, just think a little before you post. Basically the joke thread is allowed a lot of latitude here. A little self restraint will be appreciated. Jokes having some irony, or intelligence as opposed to mere grossness are more likely to be appreciated, opposed to demeaning or sarcastic. [/COLOR]

Ann

Joke /jōk/

noun:

a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline.

[socaldmax]

Important life lesson

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

[a64pilot]

Same story but with an F-16 and a C-5, just no stewardess and no motel.
Just went to the bathroom and made himself a sandwich.

[dfelsent]

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/favor...ory-1079127041
A little long but worth the read.
And funny.

[CaptTom]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Same story but with an F-16 and a C-5, just no stewardess and no motel.
Just went to the bathroom and made himself a sandwich.

When I heard it, it was a B52 and a fighter jet.

Am I showing my age?

[ben2go]

Originally Posted by CaptTom

When I heard it, it was a B52 and a fighter jet.

Am I showing my age?

Now that's funny.

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by CaptTom

When I heard it, it was a B52 and a fighter jet.

Am I showing my age?

At least you're young enough that it was a fighter JET and not just a fighter plane

[GILow]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Same story but with an F-16 and a C-5, just no stewardess and no motel.
Just went to the bathroom and made himself a sandwich.

Geez, my version was much more saucy. There wasn’t a sandwich and there was a stewardess.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Same story but with an F-16 and a C-5, just no stewardess and no motel.
Just went to the bathroom and made himself a sandwich.

I used to fly on a "school" flight that left Oahu at 5am and landed at North Island at midday and returned on Sunday evening. It was free, mostly for the pilots to keep up their hours.

The first time I was on it, everyone was encouraging me to use the head, which made me suspicious. Another newbie used it first, then everyone else went and used it, making a huge mess in the process, it was disgusting!

It turns out their "tradition" is the first one to use it is the one to clean it after they land. I'm glad it wasn't me!

[svmariane]

Whoa! Wait a minute... I find these stories about high speed aerocraft to be offensive, derogatory, and dismissive in tone to those of us ambling along at a sustained five knots. I wanna kvetch about this insensative chatter! (And I will, right after I google "kvetch".)

As one Mod recently posted "Please, guys, just think a little before you post."

In the revered name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, this is a sailing forum, not some offshoot of the the local flight club. (First rule of the flight club is you don't talk about the flight club.)



On another note, and I mean literally on another note, we found a note taped to our boarding ladder that read:

"We hope your exorcism went well last night! We do ask, as a courtesy to us and the others here in the anchorage, that you limit expelling demons to Friday or Saturday nights.

Thank you in advance."

Darn kids have no idea what it takes to keep sexual interest going when you get older, what with the inventiveness, the experimentation, the full-strength ibuprofen for over-stretched and sore muscles. Makes me wanna shout "Get out of my anchor chain radius swing area!" But just try and call the the local water police and of coure they always take sides with those young holigans zipping around harbor in their new dinghys with their new 4-stroke dinghy motors. No respect for tradition! Why, when I was a yougster we had to row - ROW, I say - half an hour to the dinghy dock against the wind and tide - in BOTH diresctions - just to check the weather GRIB posted at the harbor master's office! Darn kids with their smart phones and down-links and so-called MDUs and 24 hr weather reports and all their fancy-schmancy electronics. Phah!


p.s. Does WiFi really mean what my granddaughter told me? Withholding Finances?
Cause I'm a bit perplexed about this online banking stuff. But the kid seems okay with using the connection. Any advice?

p.p.s. Just noticed a new router broadcast signal. Must be coming from that new family boat that just anchored.

Name of the router? "Mom, Click Here for Internet"


p.p.p.s. I tried to say, “I’m a functional adult,” but my phone changed it to “fictional adult,” and I feel like that’s more accurate.
.

[socaldmax]

[svmariane]

Oh, c'mon! Now you're just phoning it in!

You KNOW the backstorey is that he's a lucky guy. Won the lotto for 12 something million and then within two weeks found the love of his life!

Geeeze. Go get a cup of coffee (or a beer) before you post!