The New Joke Thread

[GordMay]

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective for us all in one of its releases:
A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
And....................
A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends your money.

[JPA Cate]

Sustainability

[svmariane]

And one billionth of a second is 11.8 inches (299.7 mm) long.

That's how far an electron can "flow" in a nanosecond.

Now would all you kind folk get off the internet for awhile and quit hogging my bandwidth? All those electrons flowing back and forth from your ridiculous usage are clogging up the galactic web! And here I am, trying to do really important stuff, like downstreaming an old Groucho Marx movie... then maybe watch some youtube videos about cute cats chasing moving laserpen dots on a wall.... then maybe a cooking class demo for preparing poached eggs in a microwave oven - you know, really, really important stuff? Dagnabbit! You folk are so selfish!

[GordMay]

The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by svmariane

And one billionth of a second is 11.8 inches (299.7 mm) long.



That's how far an electron can "flow" in a nanosecond.

........

It’s worse. In wire electric signals travel about 2/3 that far. Only 8” (200mm) in a billionth if a second.

We’re all using up more of your bandwidth than you feared!!!

Lol

[svmariane]

Okay, if we're going there with the NSA...


My sister just told me that she taped up the camera on her smartphone
because she's afraid of being spied on by the NSA.

I laughed...

she laughed...

the smartphone laughed.
***

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,
and says, "So, tell me about myself."
***

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"
"Yes, David, how can we help you?"
***

Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?
Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.
***

Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?
He was Snowden. (Insert drum''s rim shot.)
***

I lost my job at the NSA...
I just couldn't hack it.
***

I think we're looking at the NSA spying thing the wrong way - there are potential positives. Like, if you forget your email password you'll be able to ring the NSA and they'll remind you.
***

I can't believe Trump wants to [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] with his [REDACTED] up his [REDACTED]

{Message corrected during transmission. NSA protection services dept.}
***

The ultimate "Tin Foil Hat":

[GordMay]

Electrons move slowly.
Current travels at near the speed of light.

Drift velocity, the average speed at which electrons (charge carriers) travel in a conductor when subjected to an electric field, is about 1mm per second.
It’s the electromagnetic wave (current, or charge flow) traveling through the electrons that propagates at close to the speed of light.
The dimensions of the wire and electrical properties like its inductance affect the exact propagation speed, but usually it will be around 90 per cent of the speed of light – about 270,000 km/s.

[liquidice]

An airman, a soldier, and a marine are comparing their experiences in Fallujah. “...and we were okay until the air conditioner in the tent broke down” said the airman.

“Your tent had air conditioning?” asked the soldier.

“Wait... you guys got tents?” asked the marine.

[Buzzman]

...and Joe Public, overhearing the exchange asked: "So, what were y'all doing in Ferloojah, anyways?"

[Steve Bean]

A little update: a billion seconds is a little over thirty-two years.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by GordMay

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Well, at least the Aussies won't be offended by that one.

Actually, do Aussies ever get offended by a joke? Seems to me, the more wildly inappropriate it is, the funnier they think it is!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by StuM

What should be out of bounds? Which of the dozens (hundreds?) of politically incorrect posts are you referring to specifically?

Based on who is complaining about what, the answer to that question is self explanatory.

There's on group that's overly sensitive, and the other group has a sense of humor.

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Well, at least the Aussies won't be offended by that one.

Actually, do Aussies ever get offended by a joke? Seems to me, the more wildly inappropriate it is, the funnier they think it is!

[Indignantly] I resemble that remark..!!!


[wink]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Mainebristol

The answer to your question is obvious. And like Sand Crab, I could poke fun at Trump, but that would be just shooting fish in a barrel. Plus, it would upset a lot of people, most of whom I respect, and so I refrain. Read in to it what you will.

I don't think it would upset anyone. They're not wired that way, as long as it was funny.

How do you tell the difference? Easy. Substitute a different President's name in there. If it's just as funny, then it's a funny joke about Trump. If it's no longer funny to you, then it was a cheap jab at Trump thinly disguised as a joke. Hell, even those I'll laugh at, but the bad part is, I expect to be able to respond in kind, and that's when somebody's widdle feewings get hurt.

Since nobody is the arbiter of what's funny or not, they have to draw the line at no political jokes.

[Buzzman]

Some political jokes are funny. For example:

Little girl says to little boy: "Is your Dad still a politician?"

Little boy replies: "No. He decided to go straight."

A union official yelling at the Prime Minister:
"Mate, you're looking at a bloke prepared to bring this country to its knees!!!!"

PM responds: "Bewdy, mate. It's flat on its back at the moment!"

[courtesy of AUS political cartoonist Larry Pickering who was popular in the 1980s]