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LakeSuperior · 13-04-2019, 10:22

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality. Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.

“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”

LakeSuperior · 13-04-2019, 10:24

And this last one will crush your soul!!!

A man opened his fridge and swear he was hearing two onions singing a Bee Gees song.

After closer inspection, he realized it was just chives talking.

ohgary · 13-04-2019, 12:41

Therapy · 13-04-2019, 14:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by svmariane

#Meanwhile

In the category of "Ï don't have a joke so let me tell you a story".

So my wife and I were living in up-country Thailand, close to the border with Laos. Our house was near the front inside a gated community, with businesses along the road outside the gate. The closest place was a restaurant/bar with live music in the evening. The band always - always - ended the night with the same song: "Hotel California".

What we found funny was, with the initial chords of that particular song, from right behind our back-garden wall came the trumpeting of a group of otherwise quiet elephants. They didn't stop until the band stopped. Apparently, those elephants liked "Hotel California" but thought the music needed some "brass" sounds!

(Or maybe, since the band really wasn't that good, it was the elephant equivalent of thank god they're about to finish, now we can go to sleep!)

Maybe you had to be there.

LIke living next to railroad tracks....you get used to it????

Therapy · 13-04-2019, 14:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by socaldmax

It appears to be some sort of trans-species food product. At the very least, it has a major identity crisis!

And you must accept it as normal, respect it and curry favor to it no, matter what YOU believe.

svmariane · 13-04-2019, 20:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Let me guess. After you got home and heard what happened, she insisted that she did nothing wrong and it was entirely your fault for not being at home to take care of the snake for her.

Am I close?

If it please the court, your Honor, I'd like to clarify a few points. <ahem. perumph> The incident related in prior testimony was, in fact, based upon a true story. However, due to non-specifiable legal constraints outside the jurisdiction of this esteemed court, certain names, participants, characters and/or locations and events have been bowdlerized. Any resemblance to actual persons, places, things or events is purely coincidental. (That should satisfy the govt. See me later for a beer and we'll talk. Off the record, mind.)

Furthermore, your Honor, certain aspects of the aforementioned testimony might charitably be described as being somewhat embellished, with the witness taking a bit of poetic license. {Poet license pending.}

Well, the snake was there, and at least a hundred soldiers were there (or maybe just five or six) and okay, it was really only one helicopter. But the integrity of the witness shall not be challenged by this court! For further information please contact the elephants living outside the compound - word is they've a very long memory.

Otherwise, your Honor, if it please the court, I grant that my esteemed colleague the Honorable socaldmax is generally correct in his assessment of how the witness responded when her significant other returned home. In my client's defense, he pleads that at the time he and the witness were not as yet married and therefore he should not be held liable for lacking either understanding or expressing proper sympathy. Let the record show that my client is currently enrolled in "Husband Humor" training class and hopes to achieve a passing grade sometime at some future date. Probably.

The defense rests.

** Gaby and the Giant Snake. Copyright svmariane productions. Sort of loosely based on a mostly true story. All rights reserved. Coming soon to a theater near you. Some restrictions apply. Void where prohibited by law. No soldiers or snakes were harmed during the making of this memory. (Except Sgt. Ninoi - but he was sort of drunk and fell out the back of the army pickup truck.)