The New Joke Thread

[CptCrunchie]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Valerie was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Reminds me of a guy I met a few years back when I was selling real estate. He bought this rather large acreage with three very large buildings on it. Said he was going to raise chickens.

The day the deal closed, a big truck arrived with 10,000 pullets! I was impressed.

Six months later, I saw that the property was back for sale, so I stopped in.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I donno, but I'm outa business," he replied with a mystifying look on his face. "I just can't figure it. I must have planted 'em too close together or too deep."

[CptCrunchie]

Under the too real to be fake,.....

I was driving home very late the other night. It was drizzling and cold, and barely a car on the road. As I pulled up to a stop light, a younger man in a grey hoodie and a tan backpack waved his thumb at me, requesting a ride. I felt for him, so I signaled him to get in.

As we took off down the road, in a quite serious tone, he asked, "Why did you pick me up? You know, I COULD be a serial killer."

It hit me quite funny. But in my typical deadpan demeanor, I turned my head and looked him up and down, then began to snicker.

"What is so funny?" He asked?

"Seriously," I attested, "how likely would it be that there would be two series killers in the same car?"

Dead silence.

He jumped out at the next light and ran like hell.

Strange, I thought hitchhiking was illegal in our state.

[D&D]

Little Truisms

* The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

* Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

* If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

* Seat belts are not as confining as wheel-chairs.

* A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

* How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

* Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

* Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks.

* Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

* No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

* There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

* There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

* Think about this... No one ever says It's only a game when his team is winning.

* I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

* Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

* Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by Fiveslide

My wife was an ER nurse, it's a damn miracle she didn't leave me for one of the many doctors that tried to date her.

And a joke...

What do you get when an elephant and a rhino mate?


Elephino! [emoji6]

In the past - the 80s - 50% of nursing students were there just to capture a doctor. I don't know of the present statistic.

[LakeSuperior]

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

[LakeSuperior]

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Therapy

In the past - the 80s - 50% of nursing students were there just to capture a doctor. I don't know of the present statistic.

I believe the same was for colleges too. Trying to find husbands. The women's movement has changed that these days. Now women want to become politicians.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Therapy

In the past - the 80s - 50% of nursing students were there just to capture a doctor. I don't know of the present statistic.

Strange. Nursing students sort of ignored those of us going through corpsman training. Maybe because corpsman (paramedic) is harder to spell than Doctor, or doesn't have that certain "je ne sais quoi"? Certainly not because of the pay disparity, right?

[chris mac]

Little Johny and little Sally are the final two contestants in the spelling contest. Little Sally steps forward for her turn and the teacher tells her the word to spell is castle.
Sally says c..a..s..l..e
The teacher says, no I'm sorry the proper spelling is c.a.s.t.l.e
Little Johny, if you spell your word properly, you win.
Your word is seaward.
Little Johny stares at his teacher strangely for a moment, shrugs his shoulders, then starts...
C..U..N..
THATS ENOUGH!!! interrupts the teacher

[mako]

Ohhh I finally get it [emoji846]

Little Johnny is a dirty boy... and so is little Chris Mac

[delmarrey]

Well, at least it wasn't inward.......

[LakeSuperior]

My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.

Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.

[LakeSuperior]

A nurse met with an accident and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.

“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the surgeon said.

The patient got paranoid and said, “I’m not going to let you do that. I’m a senior nurse, I can close my own wound.”

The surgeon hands her the thread and said, “Suture self”.

[CptCrunchie]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.

Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.

LMAO!!! That's funny! Here's a too true to be fiction.

This reminds me of a 60th wedding anniversary party I went to. When he got up to speak, he said, "People have asked me over the years what brought us together. I tell them, 'She was what I could get for the kind of car I was driving.'"

Everyone laughed hard and loud.

When she spoke, she addressed the same question with, "Hey! He had a CAR!!"

60 years!

This is my third. When people ask me what happened to the first two, I tell them, "The wheels fell off, so I left them by the side of the road."

Guess I should have paid more attention to the car I was driving.

[socaldmax]