The New Joke Thread

[GordMay]

[LakeSuperior]

A engineer and his wife go to a therapist.

Therapist: What brought you two here today?

Wife: I hate how he takes things so literally.

Therapist to the engineer: And you?

Engineer: A car.

[LakeSuperior]

My parrot died today.

It's last words were "Damn, I think my parrot is about to die."

[Eigenvector]

From the way back machine......

[Eigenvector]

And ...........

[toddster8]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

From the way back machine......

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Redshirts_(novel)

[CharlzO]

Two daughters of a nobleman found themselves both attracted to their father's newest squire, who was quite a rebel himself and took great pleasure in teasing each. One night, each girl, unbeknownst to the others, sneaked into the pitch black room in which he slept. In the midst of their respective deeds with him, they each became aware and gasped, lighting a candle. After a moment, the one looked at the other and said "Well, at least we're both on the same Paige."

[Dave_S]

Valentines Day Special

$500.00

We will arrest you in front of your wife and not release you until Tuesday.

Price includes

• Camping fees
• Fishing Licence
• Tent
• Food
• BBQ
• Beer

We will arrive in full police uniform with lights and sirens

[CatNewBee]

[emoji56] [emoji106] [emoji112] ... that one was good!

Service can be used all year long for

birthdays,
family events,
marriages...

[billgewater]

Sauna. Three ladies in nude. Two young ones. One old lady with wrinkles. Saggy breasts etc.
The two young ones giggle and make derisory remarks about the embarrassed old lady.
Suddenly a phone rings and one of the young women starts talking to her hand. After a while she finishes and the old lady looks puzzled. The young woman says in a snide manner “Get with it you old turkey. It’s my latest in built cell phone. But you wouldn’t understand.”
A while later the other young woman starts a conversation with the palm of her hand and discussing her health with the other young woman. Again, the older woman looks perplexed and the young woman laughs and in a slow patronising voice explains that “You old folks just have no idea eh? It’s my inbuilt GPS, and body health monitor. Allows me to manage my sex life. But you wouldn’t know about that. Ha, ha.”
A while later, the old lady stands and says “Excuse me but I need to go to the toilet.” Ten minutes later she returns to the sauna with a long length of toilet tissue hanging from her bottom. She is unaware of the toilet tissue until the two others start laughing and pointing.
The old lady on seeing the tissue turns a bright red in embarrassment, but then she settles and turns to them and says “You two really are not all that smart, it’s quiet obviously a fax.”

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

And not just liquids. A few years back I was taking a camping/boating trip to NZ and, to save having to reinvent the wheel, packed a large plastic crate with the essentials - including my butane-fueled single burner stove. As the crate was going in the aircraft's hold, didn't think it was an issue, but apparently the airlines do....so at the check-in counter I had to unpack the crate and ditch the 4 spare butane packs - in the bin - adjacent the check in desk - in the middle of the crowded airport lobby.

Could not see the logic in it at all....and no, the check-in staff wouldn't take them away to a 'safe' disposal. 'Not our job'.

NB: All pressure canisters are 'hazardous waste' in Oz, and can't be simply chucked in normal rubbish - except, it appears, at airports.

At least I could replace the canisters in NZ from the local hardware for pretty much what I'd paid for the originals.

My one burner has a BBQ plate adaption that enabled me to cook snags and onions and sell them to other boaters on the event as we floated down the Waikato River. think I sold about 4, so that pocvered the cost of the canisters...

It also meant I could have a cup of tea whenever I felt like it, also produced from the onboard stove. Drank a lot of tea....

I was in a 14' dinghy, so you'll appreciate this involved some juggling...

Ever try taking a self inflating PFD aboard a flight to do a crewing job. It has a little CO2 canister so it's not allowed.
BUT there is one under every seat in the aircraft. Makes a lot of sense, ah!

[delmarrey]

A young woman brought her fiancée home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancée to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will
provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancée.

The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

The father answered, "He's a Socialist. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."

[LakeSuperior]

My wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied. ⁠

"No it doesn't." I said.

[LakeSuperior]

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height. So tonight I’m going to make it up to her.

I’ve got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.

When she gets in from work I’m going to order her favorite takeaway which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I’m going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

My wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied. ⁠

"No it doesn't." I said.

At this point probably typing posts with one hand, using the one eye that isn’t swollen completely shut from a hospital bed.

At least it won’t get any worse. Well, not until the wires holding your broken jaw in place are removed and you can talk to her again.[emoji33]