The New Joke Thread

[Buzzman]

Or should that be The World According to Gord..???

Apologies to John Irving and, of course, the late, great, R-Dubbyah.

[LakeSuperior]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Briton, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djiboutian, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian, a Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean...

...all go to a swanky oceanside nightclub.




The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai."

[LakeSuperior]

I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn't happy.

"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded.

"Not much" I slurred.

"Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?"

I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

... a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian, a Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan ...
...all go to a swanky oceanside nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai."

Priceless!

[svmariane]

So our plane had to make an emergency landing and the closest place was Imam Khomeini International Airport in Tehran. We overnight-ed in a five star hotel. There was a comedian working the lounge. Our assigned minder gave this translation:

"In the western world women are better than men. You know why? Because men are always losing things. <add panicky voice> Where'd it go!? Where'd it go!? I had it right here! The wife says where'd what go? What did you lose this time? Guy says The baby! The baby! I had it right here! <cont> Men are always losing things - and that's why there'll never be a female Pope. Think about it. The men lost the Holy Grail, what, a thousand years ago? First female Pope will be idly looking through random cabinets at the Vatican one day and go: Ta Da! Here it is! Needs a little dusting, but..."


(I love to travel.)

Source: Mr. Omid Djalili at the Just For Laughs Festival in 2015

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Priceless! Thanx.


I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and noticed that everything was half off.
Surprised, I didn’t know back to school sales had started already.

When I was in High School half of the guys had rifles in a gun rack in the back window of their pickups. What do you think happened?

.

[delmarrey]

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...




I can feel it.

[delmarrey]

What do you call an airship made up of lights?

A LED Zeppelin.

[delmarrey]

Q: What happens when Pacific meets the Atlantic?

A: Nothing, they just wave!

[delmarrey]

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Confucius say "Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he will call out sick on Fridays all summer."

Confucius say "man who fart in church, sit in own pew"

Confucius say, "man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day".

Confucius say, "naked man who skydive, have crack up"

[LakeSuperior]

I'm happy to deliver a Sunday funny!!


I quit my new job as a postman right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

[LakeSuperior]

And, one last one for today.


Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead.

It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"...

Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake.

[senormechanico]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by senormechanico

I like this one so much I went back in time and posted it a couple of month ago.

[Jon Hacking]

Confucius say "Man who go through airport security gate sideways is going to … Bangkok"