The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

So there’s this snail, and he’s really tired of being slow, so he goes to the nearest Renault dealer and buys one. He has them paint a big red S on the side, (for Snail) so everyone will see him and, marveling at his new speedier lifestyle, exclaim “Sacré bleu! Look at that S-car-go!”

[svmariane]

I remember reading this one around the time the Berlin Wall came down (one of admittedly many variation)...

An extremely rich and famous German sports star was carving up the roads one afternoon in a brand new Porsche. Passing on the right, speeding everywhere, he takes a blind corner at speed and plows into the back of a Trabant, sending them both spiraling into a ditch. Both cars are demolished.

The sports star hops out of the twisted wreckage of his Porsche, to see an elderly man climbing out of the Trabant with a jubilant smile on his face. The sports star asks the gentleman if he’s okay, if he’s in shock. The gentleman raises his arms and says “No! This is fantastic! Let’s celebrate! We’re both alive!”

He opens what’s left of his Trabant’s door to see a box of Cuban cigars. “What a miracle! Such an impact, and my treasured cigars are okay! Let’s light them and celebrate our good luck!” So the sports star and the gentleman light up, and smoke their cigars.

The gentleman looks back inside, and sees his vintage bottle of Scotch and two glasses, and pulls them out. “A toast to us! Such a horrific accident and we made it through without a scratch!” He pours two very tall glasses of Scotch, and hands one to the sports star.

They clink their glasses, and the sports star downs his. He looks at the gentleman, standing there with a still-full glass. “Aren’t you having any?” he asks the gentleman. “Oh no, not until the police give you a breathalyzer.”

[svmariane]

A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
The officer replies, “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!” The old woman says, pointing to a sign next to the road.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

<insert drmmer's rim shot here>

[svmariane]

Reportedly, there's been a prowler in my neighborhood.


How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[svmariane]

I put my feet up on the scared wood of the ancient roll-top desk, took a sip from the icy-cold glass of bourbon-rocks and thought it over. The problem was simple: how to change the direction of a forum thread. But it required tact, a certain delicacy, and the sneakiness to slip past the every-watchful mods. And there were hazards to consider: Could get banned from the forum, might see the effort deleted, might get shot...

...or....


Then it struck me....

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

One thing was clear: time was of the proverbial essence and private messages would take too long. I needed to reach a bunch of other field operatives like right away. We'll see how this develops...

Because maybe, just maybe, somebody else will play along.

[Buzzman]

OK - I'll bite....

What did the desk have to be scared about...????

[svmariane]

Not a matter of bytes. This is dangerous territory - I did mention something about the possibility of being shot, right? Maybe I was referring to a shot glass, or a shot across the bow. The former scars the liver whilst the latter is a scary proposition. We'll see how things develop....

[svmariane]

She walked through the door like the laws of physics didn't apply. Her legs went from here to eternity and I knew right away that one wrong move and that's where I'd find myself. No, no... that came out wrong.... not within her legs but spending eternity contemplating... forget it.

She walked through the open office door and took a seat. I mean, the door was open, but I guess that also means the office was open.... why she stole a seat remained a mystery....

Edit:

She walked into the office on long, well turned legs, paused a moment to open her jacket, then asked in a voice as smooth as my bourbon if I was free. I knew better than to touch that line. Or her. She waited for neither an answer nor an invite but settled into my guest chair. With studied laziness she lit a cigarette, blew a puff of smoke towards the dilapidated fan and told me her tale.

[Jim Cate]

Hmmm... the jokes have segued from offensive to bewildering!

When do I start to laugh?

Jim

[svmariane]

Don't rock the boat, Jim. Waiting on other field operatives to join in. Might be a bit a'fore the lads in Europe wake up and get their coffee.

Meanwhile: Since you're up and on line ya'got any new jokes?

[svmariane]

Meanwhile:

A salty cruising boat pulled in to dock, and a stunningly beautiful woman stepped off with a parrot on her shoulder. “Where did you get that?” asked one of the dock rats. “Met her online,” replied the parrot.

[svmariane]

Overheard late in the bar one night...
***

"Oh I must go down to the sea again

To sail o’er the wind and the surf

Though I'm not all that keen

If you see what I mean

But I must get my money’s worth."
***

"To the question, "When were your spirits at their lowest ebb?"

the obvious answer seemed to be "When the gin gave out".
***

"There is nothing so distressing as running ashore, unless there is also doubt as to which continent the shore belongs."
***

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my spouse to go swimming."
***

[svmariane]

Meanwhile, back in the Detective's office...

Speaking softly to cover her fright she told me what happened that terrible night. "Steve had the helm, so I don't really know, but whatever we hit tore a hole in the hull. Water flowed in (and my impulse was to grin) as I thought to myself Boy, that'll teach him!"

[senormechanico]

"It was a Dark and Stormy Night" so I decided not to go sailing.

[SV_Harbinger]

So here's a story of 2 estranged twin brothers, one a fisherman, the other a banker and the village priest.
So the day after the funeral for the bankers wife the priest sees who he thinks is the banker, at the bar, and having a very good time of things. So the priest decides to talk to him to see what he is so happy about.
Stolling up to the bar he says to the brother "oh I see you seem to be taking your loss very well" not realizing that he is talking to the wrong brother.
So the fisherman says "Ah father, it was bound to happen sooner or later, I'm just glad to be able to collect the insurance money from her" thinking the priest was talking about his old boat.
The priest shocked replies "surely she must have meant more to you than just her insurance"
The fisherman says back to the priest "by now, not really, she was old and worn out, her bottom was always leaking, there was a big worn hole in the front, and no matter how much washing was done below, it stank horribly of fish, and the noises she made, horrible..."
By now all the poor priest can do is stare as the fisherman continues his tale, ".... And you know father, she probably would have lasted just a bit longer, if I hadn't rented her out to a bunch of guys from the local college, because that's what finally did her in you know. They all showed up, and I warned them to be gentle, but they insisted on all piling in at once and split her right up the middle...."
The fisherman would have continued had the priest not swung round and fainted to the floor..