The New Joke Thread

[LakeSuperior]

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"


I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

[CatNewBee]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"


I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

And what is the fun part of this?

[LakeSuperior]

It’s just a joke . Transport yourself out of identity politics for a couple seconds or don’t pull up the joke thread if you are that fragile. Cheers!

[john61ct]

Yes let's just let the jokes flow by, without any commentary.

We each may only find 1/10 to be funny, but which are which will be different for each of us

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Yes let's just let the jokes flow by, without any commentary.

Pot... meet kettle.

Anyway, down at the pub George was holding court. Now George, he says that he got a new job a few months back. Said fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

[svmariane]

Miscellaneous comments overheard down to the pub:


I haven't spoken to the mother in law for 6 months now... apparently, it's rude to interrupt!
*****

So I went to the Police Station and asked to speak with the burglar who had broken into my house two nights ago. Desk Sergeant said I'll get my chance in court. Told him he didn't understand! I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!
*****

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-.
These are also Chuck Norris' initials.
This is not a coincidence.
*****

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron! Help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?"
The proton replies "I'm positive."
*****

Note: Yeah.... It's that kind of pub when the beer gets flowing.
Deal with it....


And finally:

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Quick! Spit'em out!
They're ********!"

[D&D]

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** **
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

****************************** ****************************** *****************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
He got out three times to pee."
****************************** ****************************** ******************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

****************************** ***************************

ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

[StuM]

Originally Posted by D&D

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

Recycling is commendable in some situations, not so much in others.


http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...tml#post322774

[GILow]

It’s like the best bit of having dementia....

You get to meet new people (jokes) each day.

[fernandosmooth]

Good thread.

[GILow]

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I agree! Unfortunately, I don't create them, I just pass them along.

I'm on another website that has a large number of semi-illiterate members who always get "your" and "you're" wrong. Someone came up with "yore" and now a large percentage just uses "yore" for either one instead of getting it wrong every time. It's irritating, but what can you do?

euthanize them.

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by Wotname

This thread is becoming way more fun than the regular programming .

So I get the double spacing after a full stop/period is a regional/cultural thing but what is the rationale of mixing the number of line spacings between different paragraphs?

Sorry for being late to the party; I just caught up.


The double spacing is an age thing. When I learned to type (not keyboard) about 45 years ago we were taught to do that to make it more readable. Computers now adjust these things for us but I still can't get out of the habit.

[socaldmax]

[bill352]

This should be a sticky somewhere on every forum: