The New Joke Thread

[micah719]

A Millenial Job Interview. We have one of these creatures in the workshop. The toolmaker won't let me drown it in the quench oil tank. I'm tempted to build a cell frequency jammer and watch the cold-turkey withdrawal process.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo0KjdDJr1c

[micah719]

Either the CF'ers are a humourless lot....OR.....they've heard it all before......OR....they're so focused on crap'o'the'day....OR....only the unfunny post here......OR....they're too busy being funny irl. Personally, I'd rather be continentally out of internet range (incontinentent?), or busy making it so. Who out there had a shareworthy cruiserish moment they'd like to share? Or shall we continue landlubberisming?

[john61ct]

If we each complained about stuff we don't like in a thread like this, defeats the purpose.

Only two on-topic responses, laugh or hmmm & ignore

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by micah719

Either the CF'ers are a humourless lot....OR.....they've heard it all before......OR....they're so focused on crap'o'the'day....OR....only the unfunny post here......OR....they're too busy being funny irl. Personally, I'd rather be continentally out of internet range (incontinentent?), or busy making it so. Who out there had a shareworthy cruiserish moment they'd like to share? Or shall we continue landlubberisming?

Mate, have a look at the thread title: "New Joke thread". You may not appreciate what has been posted... hell, many of the posts are not particularly funny IMO, but the thread is about jokes, not "shareworthy cruiserish moments". There are plenty of forums where such are appropriate, and stuff does appear in them from time to time.

Meanwhile, I don't really care about your incontinence or whatever that gabble was about, and landlubberly jokes are far more common than seagoing ones, so I guess we'll just have to put up with them most of t he time. If they don't make you laugh, I guess you could just read some other threads... some of them are pretty damn funny, even if not so intended.

Jim

[CaptTom]

Can we please get back to only posting jokes? I don't care if they're funny (to me) or not. If YOU think it's funny, post it. If I don't, I'll ignore it, not complain about it.

OK, to keep this post legit, here's a joke with a sailboats it:

You know how cigarette ads have those new warnings now? I saw one with these two women sitting on a porch swing, petting a little puppy, drinking iced teas, watching the sailboats go by -- real pastoral setting -- and in the corner, it said, 'Warning: smoking causes fetal injury and possible birth defects.'

I thought, 'Hey, that's not a puppy.'

[svmariane]

RE The above discourse on jokes: Cruisers AND landlubbers who're married, been married, know somebody married, can probably relate to the events in this post. But please understand that my wife has been out of town for a few months visiting relatives and I've been sort-of hanging out at the pub with George. Gotta post this before she returns this evening.

SO: Stand aside, coffee... This is a job for alcohol!


Starting out / Dating:

Friend asks: Why aren't you married yet?

I responded: Whenever I invite a girlfriend home my mom says she's not the right one for me.

Friend says: You should try dating a girl that is similar to your mother.

Snorted & said: In that case, I'll never get approval from my dad!
****

Me at the bar: How about 2-3 drinks tonight?

Woman: Silly you.... There's no hyphen in 23!
****

Girlfriend texts: Where the heck are you?

My text back: Do you remember that jeweler where we saw that geourgous necklace you really liked?

Girlfriend: YES!!

Me: Well, I'm in the pub opposite it.
****

Get Married / Have Kids:

The grocery store is giving out wine and beer samples so the wife and I rented a movie on our iPad and are chilling for the night in aisle 18.
****

My kid: Daddy, mommy always says she knows everything.

Me: Yes, she is right.

My kid: Then why does she say she doesn't know why she married you?
****

My 6yo just yelled that he is 24% mad at me so, yes, math does have real world applications.
****

My kids say the new teacher at high school attaches McDonalds job applications to failed exams.
****

So the kids & I decided to play a board game at breakfast because why not start the day with a fistfight?
****


Kids are off to college...

Got a text, kid complaining about tough exams.

Text back some advice:
1. Open books
2. Effing study that sh%$ !
****

Text message from my wife: Honey, don't you think you should hurry up?

Text back: I'll be there in five minutes.

Wife: WONDERFUL!

Me: I mean in *your* version of five minutes.

Wife: WHAT!? Then we're going to be late!
****

My son visits & says: Dad, Happy 25th anniversary! This is a very important date for you and mom and I hope one day I'll have what you two have.

Me: Oh, crap. That's today? Thanks, son!
****

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
****

Protip: Marriage is equal parts "I would die without you" and
"For the love of God, do you have to sneeze like that?"
****


Anyway....Like I said my wife returns this evening so I know what I'M GETTING tonight.....







Yelled at. I'm gonna get yelled at.

[D&D]

I talked to a to a homeless man this morning and asked him how
he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last month, I still had it
all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I
had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the
gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line.
I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol?
Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said,....... I was paroled!

[D&D]

Medical Terminology
Studies have demonstrated that Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology.

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

[D&D]

A politician is a person who will lay down your life for his country...

[0urh]

Merry Christmas ,or, to be politically correct.............

I desperately want to convey seasonal greetings to everyone and without offending any human under Section 18c of the Racial Discrimination Act.
So ... Please accept, without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated, recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018; but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

NOTE: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Name withheld
(Privacy Act).

[john61ct]

That's very nicely phrased!

But it was the winter solstice.

[ontherocks83]

Well put but, I like my version better...........Merry Christmas!

[socaldmax]

That just reminded me how much it must really SUCK to be the diversity representative in the HR dept. of a law firm.

Oh yeah, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by john61ct

That's very nicely phrased!

But it was the winter solstice.

Not down here, Mate! But have a good whatever...

Jim

[Tetepare]

You can escape snow you can’t escape government.