The New Joke Thread

[tkeithlu]

OK, the standard for correctness is definitely in the toilet in this thread, so, have you ever wondered why blondes have bruises around their navels?



Blonde guys are pretty dumb, too.

[chris mac]

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when they see the brunette's boyfriend in a florist shop buying a dozen roses.
After passing the store the brunette complains, now I have to spend the night on my back with my legs in the air!!
After a moment the blonde replies, why don't you just put the roses in a vase instead?

[PhiSig1071]

What do you call a bipartisan effort in congress to approve marijuana for use in arthritis treatment?

Joint support for joint support for joint support!

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by tkeithlu

OK, the standard for correctness is definitely in the toilet in this thread, so, have you ever wondered why blondes have bruises around their navels?

Blonde guys are pretty dumb, too.

Wait..... We have STANDARDS in this thread?????

So I'm still in Auckland, New Zealand for a bit.
Here's some notes from the local pub.....


Two Kiwis, two Aussies, two Welshmen and two Irishmen
were marooned on a desert island.

The two Aussies got together and started a bank;
The two Welshmen got together and started a choir;
The two Irishmen got together and started a fight;
The two Kiwis never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced!

[tkeithlu]

No, my family, while British, and in the antique racing car restoration business, admits to no association whatever with Lucas Electric.--Timothy Keith-Lucas

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by tkeithlu

No, my family, while British, and in the antique racing car restoration business, admits to no association whatever with Lucas Electric.--Timothy Keith-Lucas

I had figgered that out... because your computer seems to work!

Jim

[GILow]

Or as they refer to it in English car restoration circles...


Lucas Electrics - The Prince of Darkness.

[tkeithlu]

Well aimed shot, Jim. I love it!

[Buzzman]

A few Lucas electric jokes:

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"

Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.

The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

Lucas dip-switch positions: LOW and BLOW

The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.

"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.

Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Lucas engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

Recently, Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So, now the cars from the Black Forest will come with electrics supplied by the Lord of Darkness -- how appropriate!

Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.

[tkeithlu]

A Hawaiian Airlines flight on approach. ATC says "Hawaiian 1234, a JAL 747 6 miles, 3:00 o'clock."

Pilot looks can't see it, but instead of saying "Hawiian 1234 no joy," says "I can't see that Jap anywhere."

Voice on radio, "Look up at the sun, yankee dog."

[tkeithlu]

BOAC pilot, now long retired, gets lost on the Hamburg taxiways. Snooty German ground controller "BOAC 1234, you have not been here before." Reply "Oh, I was here in '43, but I didn't land."

[tkeithlu]

ATL ground frequency, during Friday afternoon traffic ground, "This is total bulls##t." Ground controller "OK, who said that. report in" Then, "AL 1234, negative on BullS##T," "VA 2345, negative on bulls##T, " "........

[tkeithlu]

Pilot of small plane gets lost on Miami taxiways, says on radio, "I am lost, I am total F##Ked up." Controller "ALL RIGHT, who said that." Silence. Then, meek little voice on radio "I'm not THAT f##Ked up."

[tkeithlu]

Difference between a Delta flight attendant and a jet engine?

The engine stops whining when you get to the gate.


Difference between a Delta flight attendant and the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport?

Some pilots haven't been into DFW.


Difference between a Delta cockpit and a cactus?

In the cockpit, all the pricks are on the inside.

[tkeithlu]

Why do men give their penises names?
They don't want 95% of their decisions made by a total stranger.