The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire ."

And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says...

"We invented sex."

The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

[svmariane]

Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says: "I wonder how the guys are doing?"

[svmariane]

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



The radio went silent and the interview ended. All over America, people were thinking: Semper Fi, Marine!

[StuM]

Originally Posted by svmariane

...
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

...

Peter Cosgrove on Teaching Boy Scouts to Shoot : snopes.com

False. Been floating around since 1999.

[Glenn C]

Tribute to Ronnie Corbett - from the ABC web site

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand."

"French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in."

"There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done."

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals."

"We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

"It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy."

"This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago."

We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame

"My wife tries not to bring out the beast in me – she's afraid of mice.""

We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by StuM

Peter Cosgrove on Teaching Boy Scouts to Shoot : snopes.com

False. Been floating around since 1999.

Then it's apropos to re-emerge occasionally in a joke thread, no?

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by StuM

Peter Cosgrove on Teaching Boy Scouts to Shoot : snopes.com

False. Been floating around since 1999.

It's a joke.

WARNING! George doesn't actually exist either.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

It's a joke.

WARNING! George doesn't actually exist either.

Hurumph.... George is as real as some other folk out there in cyberspace!

Point in fact, George WAS married for awhile. We got to talking to his wife one night at the pub and Georgina {No comments, please.} she said that once sometime a while's back George, being unhappy with her mood swings, bought her a mood ring so he would be able to monitor her moods.

They discovered that when she's in a good mood the ring turns green.



When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead.

She said that maybe next time he'd buy her a diamond.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

A collection of some of the worst writing in the world ends up being one of the better jokes in the joke thread. That has to mean something.

Thanks, you and most others on this thread have been all been great!

Good night and please, if you are going to drink and drive...






remember to take the car.

[svmariane]

Re: my last......

Okay, I've confused myself. Does that fall into the unfunny but sounds as if it is funny, or is it funny disguised as unfunny trying to look......







I'm hitting the rack... g'night all.

[Therapy]

The Italian Cow

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily."You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:
"My wife is from Sicily."

[svmariane]

Down at the pub we were chatting about April 1st - April Fool's Day - having come and gone. You know, pranks and such being fodder for beer consumption. So George, he says that he took a bottle of ketchup and ran over it with his car, leaving a red skid mark on the garage floor. And before his wife, Georgina, came home he hid her cat, then told her how sorry he was!

Well darn, George! Good one! Such a great prank... man we laughed so hard!






BTW - George is sort'a homeless for awhile.

[svmariane]

This is too funny not to post! Alleged advert on Craigslist:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2016-02-21, 1:43PM CST


To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.

7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and the electric company MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.


Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks. This was not written by anyone named Jack S.

[socaldmax]

This is a great idea...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbDXHGhZ3FI

[delmarrey]

Boat Intercepted Off the Texas Coast!


The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the Texas coast today.
This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boat was not heading to the USA, but towards Mexico and Central America.
Another surprise finding was the people were American retirement age seniors. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Central America or Southern Mexico as they wanted to return to the US as illegal immigrants. Then they would be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American retirees.
It is believed the Navy gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.
We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to join us.