The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

The old codger spied a lovely new lady octogenarian seated next to him at the dinner table in the nursing home. Eager to make a good impression on her, he leaned over and in his best Tyrone Powers impersonation, said, "I haven't had sex in so long, I forgot who gets tied up..."

[jeepbluetj]

Have I posted this before? Possibly. But it's still funny. And even on-topic for the forum...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...234040827.html

[ontherocks83]

Thats one motivated seller.

[socaldmax]

Medicare Part G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!!!


Go, now, and pick out a worthless politician (of which there are many) and apply for Part G.

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Medicare Part G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!!!


Go, now, and pick out a worthless politician (of which there are many) and apply for Part G.

Is it sad that I truly wish that was a real thing? The only thing I would add is more ammunition. Lots more.

[Buzzman]

Yeah, the Hilary Inquisition would be a good place to start. What a waste of space that lot are.

Although it might be worth keeping one up the spout for the Hillar-Monster. Just in case.

The next POTUS race looks like being a 'Hair Off' - between the Hillar-Monster's humungous mane and 'The Donald's' candy-floss creation.

Both scary at different levels and for a whole bunch of different reasons.

A comedy show in Oz, 'Gruen', asks "What would Donald do?" and then takes the piss out of him.....admittedly something that is fairly easy to do....

An Aussie cartoonist, Larry Pickering, once drew a cartoon of two little kids, boy and a girl. Girl says to Boy, "Is your Dad still a politician?" and the little Boy replies, "No, he decided to go straight."

Sums it all up, right there....

[bluewaterdreams]

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

[Simonsays]

Originally Posted by bluewaterdreams

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

originated in the 1930's and has been reused and modified ever since with current ships etc.
official, released by Chief of * versions have been around the Navy's comunication departments ever since and one of those got published on the internet in 1995.

still funny, because plausible, in every nations version.

[socaldmax]

"Drug and alcohol abuse are the biggest waste of life in Britain today"

Obviously not tried to call talk talk customer service yet then.

[socaldmax]

Current events... unfortunately, this one's not a joke, just plain ridiculous that a company with people's financial data didn't use secure encryption. How do these people get these jobs? From their uncles?

TalkTalk is facing increasing criticism after belatedly admitting it was the victim of a “significant and sustained” cyber-attack that has led to the theft of the credit card and bank details of up to 4 million customers.

The telecoms giant warned that the stolen customer data may not have been securely encrypted and that it had received a ransom demand from someone who claimed to have carried out the corporate hack.

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

That's also reason # 572 to use a ball gag.

Is anyone else questioning how Socaldmax knows what that is?? LOL!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Is anyone else questioning how Socaldmax knows what that is?? LOL!

It's all over prime time TV. Sitcoms and dramas, mostly.

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Is anyone else questioning how Socaldmax knows what that is?? LOL!

I'd only be nervous if he had said a blindfold and chloroform.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

That's also reason # 572 to use a ball gag.

You can also replace ball gag with another dangling participle.....

[socaldmax]

I'm actually very innocent. Women have had to get pretty obvious before I got the hint.

Now Bill Cosby is a guy I wouldn't want to have a drink with...