The New Joke Thread

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by StuM

Photoshop. Look at the hind leg where it meets the wire cage.

Sorry Stu... Not interested in looking that close

[tonewrone]

A group of friends and I had a shirt made for a beloved mentor when he began to have trouble recognizing us

Alzheimer's: A great way to meet new people


From a 3dub joke page:
An elderly man and woman are sitting all alone in the rest home when the man says to the woman, “Bet you can’t guess my age.” The woman replies, “Bet I can.” “Bet you can’t.” “Bet I can and I’ll prove it. Unzip your fly.” The man shrugs, but unzips his fly. The woman reaches in, feels around a little, then pulls out her hand. “You’re 83,” she announces. “That’s amazing!” says the man. “How did you know?” “You told me yesterday!”

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

This is real INSEMINATION.


.

Sorry can't resist......Is that the new Republican mascot à la TRUMP?

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Sorry can't resist......Is that the new Republican mascot à la TRUMP?

Well, the hair has a close resemblance.

[micah719]

If the Titanic sank today.....

[micah719]

[mstrebe]

A classic shamelessly stolen from another boating forum...

Sitting on Zeno's Arrow Maho Bay St. John some years back, VHF on, scanner on:

Call comes over channel 14(as I recall?)

"Moorings base Tortola, this is Moorings boat 'Sunrider', Virgin Gorda, we require imediate assistance".

"Sunrider, This is Moorings base what is your situation?"

"We are in need of an anchor, unable to anchor for the night and it's starting to get dark".

"Sunrider, Moorings base, your have three anchors on board, what is the problem?"

"Yes Moorings base, we did have 3 anchors, but this is our fourth night out".

[Buzzman]

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Rather than let them wander the fields aimlessly, you herd them into a pen which has a treadmill in it. You hang a bunch of hay *just* out of reach of the cows' noses, so they keep walking towards the hay. The treadmill is hooked to a generator that produces electricity to drive the milking machinery, thereby reducing your costs and saving the planet.

You patent the process and sell the IP to every foreign milk producer you can and retire to the Costa Brava on the proceeds.

A SOMALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You boarded an Australian live cattle export vessel and *liberated* them.

You hold them for ransom and, having received the ransom money, you behead the cows, eat the rest, and retire to your villa in Zanzibar.

AN ERITREAN CORPORATION

You had two cows.

But the people were famished so they ate them.

Now there's no milk, so you apply to the UN for famine relief in the form of powdered milk supplies and dehydrated beef jerky.

Who needs cows?

[micah719]

An Australian Corporation

You had 500,000 cows on a property the size of Lichtenstein (just another small Aussie farm, in other words). The Government drove your costs through the roof by taxing the cowpats and cowfarts, and alienated your largest live-export customer. All your attempts to contact them failed because you installed broadband. You now farm 'roos, which despite being a better stock and healthier eating, nobody buys. At least you won't starve.

A British Corporation

Your cows are mad. You're not sure what caused it, but elect them to Parliament anyway. The nation exhibits an instant turnaround in its future prospects. The cows produce half the effluent and twice the productive effort, and as long as they have hay they leave everyone else alone.

[Therapy]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book!!”

[CharlzO]

(Dumbest one you'll hear for a LONG time coming..)

What sound does the sailor's clock with a really bad accent make?

Teak Dock.

[eastendsailor]

Just came across this tidbit from Hollywood Squares ...

Peter Marshall: When a man falls off a boat, they say "Man Overboard!" What do they say when a woman falls off a boat?

Paul Lynde: Full Speed Ahead!

[goat]

Originally Posted by CharlzO

(Dumbest one you'll hear for a LONG time coming..)

What sound does the sailor's clock with a really bad accent make?

Teak Dock.

Oh, I can go dumber than that......
What does a pirate fish for?

Gar.

[jeanathon]

What is a pirate's favorite letter?...................


You might think it's the aRRRR, but IT'S REALLY THE C.

[justlearnin]

Hello Hello Anybody out there??? I'm going thru withdrawls. No jokes in SOOOOOOO long.