The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by fryewe

Piss-poor leadership. Small man influencing smaller men in a negative way. Inexcusable. If he worked for me and I knew of this, I would have fired him.

On any submarine, you either learn to work well with others, or you become the butt of every joke. The Nav. never learned to work well with others. I was being polite when I said he was not well liked.




You know, I was really expecting to see a lawyer post up how he wasn't amused by all of the lawyer jokes, seriously. But this?? Really? THIS is what you have to complain about?

What ever happened to: "If you have nothing nice to say, keep it to yourself."?

Either chuckle or move along.


Now for another joke.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

[fryewe]

On any submarine...

You don't know what happens "on any submarine." You know what happened on the one(s) you served on. On any well-led, successful submarine (or other Navy ship), every man is supported in his difficult duties by the leadership. On a well led ship, if the knuckle-dragging A-gangers want to hassle a shipmate, and the NAVETs or Sonarmen want to whine up each other's skirts, they damn well know to do it in a manner that doesn't diminish the cohesiveness of the ship.

...he was not well liked.

Being "well liked" is what you try to achieve in middle school. It's not a criterion for success in life or your profession.

You know, I was really expecting to see a lawyer post up how he wasn't amused by all of the lawyer jokes, seriously. But this?? Really? THIS is what you have to complain about?

What ever happened to: "If you have nothing nice to say, keep it to yourself."?

I didn't complain. Just made a statement of fact. And your "nothing nice" hypocrisy is unsurprising. Your actions on the bridge of USTAFISH and your re-telling of the story were really nice things to say about the Nav, huh?[/QUOTE]

Either chuckle or move along. Neither your actions at the time nor the re-telling of your anecdote are amusing, so no chuckle is warranted. Perhaps a roll of the eyes.

The circumstances of your anecdote are more to be ashamed of than to be told on a public forum for "amusement." That you feel no shame is telling.

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by fryewe

I didn't complain. Just made a statement of fact. And your "nothing nice" hypocrisy is unsurprising. Your actions on the bridge of USTAFISH and your re-telling of the story were really nice things to say about the Nav, huh?

[/QUOTE]


Is this a reunion of old shipmates? Fry do you have a mustache?
Carry on.

[fryewe]

Is this a reunion of old shipmates? Fry do you have a mustache?
Carry on.[/QUOTE]

I do like to wear khaki and have a couple of large steel ball bearings in my pocket on most days...

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by fryewe

I didn't complain. Just made a statement of fact. And your "nothing nice" hypocrisy is unsurprising. Your actions on the bridge of USTAFISH and your re-telling of the story were really nice things to say about the Nav, huh?

[/QUOTE]


I see you're still not working well with others. That is a problem.

Your personal problem.

[socaldmax]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"








My apologies in advance to all of the following classes of people who may feel that they may have been insulted by the preceding joke:

Chicken farmers, children of chicken farmers, Vietnam veterans, Vietnamese people, beer drinkers, machine gun mfrs, machete mfrs, anyone shot by a machine gun, anyone maimed by a machete and anyone who may have been deeply offended by the violent depiction of conflict in this fictional story told as a joke or who feels that the pilot of the aircraft was perhaps lacking in skill.

My goal was not to offend, but apparently these things happen, somehow.

[Canibul]

I see you're still not working well with others. That is a problem.

Your personal problem.

[/QUOTE]

You must have fired him in a previous life.

[boden36]

svmariane, here's a joke for you.

Little Johnny must have been quite a pupil.
One afternoon, playing for time until the last bell, the teacher asked her class of eleven year olds ; "If you did not have skin, what would you like to be covered with?"
Stephen: " Gold, Miss. If I was covered with gold, I could peel a little bit off , go into town to the Porsche dealer, and buy a Cayman!"
Archie: " Platinum, Miss. I could peel a bit off and have the best Ferrari, better than Stephen's old Porsche!"
Meanwhile, Johnny is bouncing up and down in his seat up the back, waving his arm.
"Miss!Miss!"
"OK Johnny, what would you like in place of your skin?"
"Pubic hair, Miss!"
Young Miss colors a bit and asks with a little menace in her voice, " Johnny, why pubic hair??"
"Well Miss, my big sister only has this much ( holds up hand with palm open) and you should see all the cars at our place!!

Regards,
Richard.

[chris mac]

Socaldmax, nice disclaimer;-)
A salesman is driving through the countryside on his way his next customer enjoying a little whiskey, when he sees a three legged chicken running beside him. He looks down and notices his speed at 90 kmh. He looks back at the chicken just as it picks up speed and zooms awaydown the road.
The salesman slams on the brakes, jumps out of his car,throws away his whiskey and swears off drinking forever.
The next week he's going down the same road, enjoying a joint when he sees a three legged chicken running beside him. He notices his speed at 110 kmh just as the chicken once again doubles it's speed and is gone. He slams on his brakes throws away the pot and swears off drugs forever.
The next week he is on the same road completely sober cruising at 130kmh when he sees the three legged chicken again. This time he floors the gas pedal and gets the car up to 200 before the chicken decides to speed up and zoom away. He slams on the brakes and fish tails into the ditch.
A farmer sees him crash and comes running over and asks if he need help. "I need a shrink, I'm halucinating" says the salesman and proceeds to tell the story.
The farmer tells him to calm down, you're not halucinating, I breed three legged chickens, extra leg means extra meat, extra money.
The salesman feels better and asks, do they taste any different than normal chicken?
The farmer replies, I don't know, haven't caught one yet!

[Jim Cate]

back to hospital stories...

I went to visit a friend in hospital and was surprised to find him running terror stricken and stark naked down the corridor in the ward, chased by a nurse wielding a pair of scissors. Down the hall was the doctor, shouting " No, nurse, I said slip off his spectacles"

Jim

[Canibul]

I was going to ask if you knew why lawyers always wear neckties..




(keeps the foreskins from slipping up and covering their faces)

[delmarrey]

[QUOTE=Canibul;1857112]I was going to ask if you knew why lawyers always wear neckties..




(keeps the foreskins from slipping up and covering their faces)[/QUOTE

[D&D]

What's the difference between a leech and a lawyer?

A leech gets off your back when you're dead...

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

back to hospital stories...

I went to visit a friend in hospital and was surprised to find him running terror stricken and stark naked down the corridor in the ward, chased by a nurse wielding a pair of scissors. Down the hall was the doctor, shouting " No, nurse, I said slip off his spectacles"

Jim

Or ... carrying a steaming bowl ... "Lance his boil"

[Jubilee39]

Originally Posted by fryewe

Piss-poor leadership. Small man influencing smaller men in a negative way. Inexcusable. If he worked for me and I knew of this, I would have fired him.

And you probably vote for Hillary. Seriously I have had the pleasure to serve with some courageous crews when the US won the cold war. They all had the same attitude of the poster. The Nav would not have fit in the best of the ships.