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Old 28-06-2016, 10:20   #1381
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For those who don't know Tim Minchin, two of my favourites.



https://youtu.be/3xQmJ_vxHB4
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Old 28-06-2016, 13:02   #1382
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
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Old 28-06-2016, 15:34   #1383
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

To

To who?

To *whom*

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Old 01-07-2016, 15:43   #1384
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us. " If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
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Old 03-07-2016, 16:02   #1385
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Re: The New Joke Thread

...and from the oldies-but-goodies bin?!?

Retired Person's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

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Old 04-07-2016, 11:28   #1386
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The best use for duct tape
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Old 04-07-2016, 19:55   #1387
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Was this already posted????

The UN just completed the biggest survey in its history.

The question was: "Please respond honestly: What is your opinion about the shortage of food in the rest of the world?"

The results could not have been more disappointing. The survey has been a total failure because:

Europeans did not understand what was meant by "shortage"
Africans, in general, did not understand what was meant by "food"
Argentinians did not understand what they meant by "please"
The gringos asked what "the rest of the world" meant
Hondurans asked for an explanation of what was meant by "your opinion"
...and the legislative assembly of El Salvador to this day is debating what they meant by "honestly".
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Old 04-07-2016, 19:59   #1388
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some reactions to the terrorist threat from an Australian:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, somewhere for some reason or another, just in case.

Australia has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Old 04-07-2016, 20:06   #1389
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Press Release: Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Ayman al-Zawahiri explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. al-Zawahiri

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

End Press Release....
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Old 12-07-2016, 15:13   #1390
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A wife asks her husband, "Please go shopping for me. Buy a carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replies, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you'll read it again. Men will get it the first time.





WIFE: "There's a problem with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "Listen to me! The car has water in the carburetor!"

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor looks like. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the river"





A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife, Meg, something nice for their first wedding anniversary so he buys her an iPhone. He shows her the phone and explains all of its features.

Meg is excited about the gift and adores it. The next day she goes shopping.

Her phone rings and, to her astonishment, her husband is on the other end.

"Hi, Meg," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"

Meg replies, "I love it! It's so small, and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand."

"What's that, sweetie?" asks her husband.

"How did you know that I was at Walmart?





Today’s short reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then He made the earth round, and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
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Old 12-07-2016, 15:24   #1391
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and

is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "


I think I know that lawyer!
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Old 12-07-2016, 15:58   #1392
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

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Old 12-07-2016, 16:01   #1393
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Re: The New Joke Thread

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

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Old 12-07-2016, 17:22   #1394
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I used to know some pretty good political jokes, but unfortunately most of them got elected to public office.
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Old 16-07-2016, 08:03   #1395
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.

Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors.

He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."
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