The New Joke Thread

[Singularity]

A guy goes to the urologist to discuss a "personal" problem.

The urologist walks in, takes one quick look and concludes "Clearly, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"How can you know? How can you be so certain?" asks the patient.

"Because I need to examine you" says the urologist.

[GordMay]

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

[GordMay]

The great mathematician, John Von Neumann, was consulted by a group who was building a rocket sh,p, to send into outer space. When he saw the incomplete structure, he asked, "Where did you get the plans for this ship?"
He was told, "We have our own staff of engineers."
He disdainfully replied: "Engineers! Vy, I have complete sewn up the whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952."

Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann's plans.

The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up.
They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: "We followed your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?"
Von Neumann replied, "Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem ...
... I treated that in my paper of 1954."

[1affiah]

An Architect, an Engineer and a Salesman each have a dog, and are constantly arguing over which dog is the smartest. They decide to have a contest, and gather in a garage with a box of dog biscuits. They draw straws to determine who goes first:

The Architect draws the short straw, and calls his dog "Plumb Bob" into action.
Plumb Bob tears open the box of dog biscuits, and arranges them into a straight line across the room. Everyone agrees, that's a pretty smart dog!

The Engineer's dog "Slide Rule" goes next. He uses the dog biscuits to build a 3-span bridge. Everyone agrees, that's a really smart dog!

The Salesman calls his dog "Expense Account". Expense Account eats all of the dog biscuits, screws the other two dogs, and takes the rest of the day off. Enuff Said!

[GordMay]

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends.
"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied.
"Toughest spelling test I ever had."

***

The teacher asks, "Jessica, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Jessica blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."
She then turns to Jessica and says,
"First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

***

A man is flying from Dallas to Toronto and has to change planes in Boston. He's got four hours between flights. He LOVES scrod, a type of fish available only on the East Coast of the US. So he jumps out of his first plane, runs to a taxi, and says "Quick, take me somewhere I can get scrod!"
The taxi driver says "Wow, I've never been asked that in the first person pluperfect subjunctive before!"

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

One night, a prominent politician, “X”, is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
X asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away

The next night, X is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for X. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

X isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. X pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[GordMay]

Speaking of masks ...

[GordMay]

Someone threw a beer at Donald Trump during the Indianapolis NRA convention.
He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it easily.

Speaking of the NRA:
When you think owning a gun is more of a right, than being cared for when you are sick, you really need to re-examine your priorities.
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped, by the right not to be shot by one.

"Make no mistake -- they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns." ~ Stephen Colbert

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by GordMay

One night, a prominent politician, “X”, is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
X asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away

The next night, X is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for X. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

X isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. X pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

This is not humor. This is discusting , to talk about assassinating a US President, even Bush. It maybe good enough for your 3rd world country. But, not in the USA.

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

That's not always the case in southern CA. We've got a lot of places where they could have done a nice straight entrance, or an overpass, but instead we ended up with cloverleafs. We also had 2 hwys with 3 lanes merging into 2 lanes for most of the distance, and one hwy they started building on both ends, then stopped, leaving about a 1 mi gap in the middle for over 5 yrs.



There's no excuse for that kind of idiocy.

It’s all about the money. When they run out of it they stop building and come back later when there’s more of it to play with.

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by Adelie

It’s all about the money. When they run out of it they stop building and come back later when there’s more of it to play with.

There was a highway like that where I grew up in GA. Nice, four lane freeway that went 14 miles out of town then turned into a 2 lane local road. No developments or anything of consequence along the 14 mile stretch. Took 30 years before the state finally extended the four lane section the final stretch where it intersected with another freeway.

[BlueH2Obound]

Originally Posted by skipmac

There was a highway like that where I grew up in GA. Nice, four lane freeway that went 14 miles out of town then turned into a 2 lane local road. No developments or anything of consequence along the 14 mile stretch. Took 30 years before the state finally extended the four lane section the final stretch where it intersected with another freeway.

Take a good look at what "important" person lived in the vicinity of where the 4 lane ended . . .

We had a similar situation on Fox Island in WA State in the late '70's. All of a sudden a road that wasn't all that bad off, from the bridge to the island, all the way to, and extending a few hundred feet past the driveway to a local official was widened, repaved, repainted, right of ways cleared, new signage, etc . . . Not that it couldn't have used it, most roads can, but there were other, FAR more deserving stretches of road in the County that needed attention that weren't addressed (lack of $$$). . . But it was pure coincidence that this one got repaired/widened, etc . . .

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by BlueH2Obound

Take a good look at what "important" person lived in the vicinity of where the 4 lane ended . . .

Something like that is entirely possible. My guess would be perhaps not an important person living there but one owning a large piece of property in the area that would certainly become much more valuable for developing with a nice four lane access to town.