The New Joke Thread

[StuM]

Originally Posted by carstenb

Of course that is incorrect - thirty-nine million, nine-hundred ninety-nine nine-hundred ninety-nine is correctly written:

39.999.999

Of course if the engineer was writing three point nine, nine, nine, nine, nine,
nine, nine
Then it should be written;

3,9999999

Assuming he is in Europe or many other places outside the US

Shouldn't that be:

39 999 999

and

3,999 999 9 or 3.999 999 9 (depending on locale) in accordance with SI

[Eigenvector]

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.



After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.



The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.



"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.



"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting



"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"



The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.



The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.



A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.



They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!



The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"



"****" said Claude.



It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center. And, Claude was never invited again.

[Midnight Son]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Exactly.

And the state hwy dept. is staffed with...

civil engineers.

uit
who have to answer to accountants. Don't get me started, I just quit that rat race.

[MicHughV]

I used to have this sign outside my office door

"We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful....
Have done so much, for so long, with so little
We are now qualified to do anything for anybody all for nothing"

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

I used to have this sign outside my office door

"We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful....
Have done so much, for so long, with so little
We are now qualified to do anything for anybody all for nothing"

We had a very similar sign hanging up on my first sub. Our last line read, "We are now qualified to accomplish the impossible with absolutely nothing." Considering we were keeping a nuclear powered sub operating on duct tape and baling wire, it seemed appropriate.

When I got out and went to work for a defense contractor, we had a sign hanging up in the lab that said, "At some point in every project, it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and go into production."

[dfelsent]

One place I worked (as an engineer) I put up a sign that said:

A scientist can do for $10

What an engineer can do for $7

And any damn fool can do for $1


It lasted two days.
The company was half scientists.

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by dfelsent

One place I worked (as an engineer) I put up a sign that said:

A scientist can do for $10

What an engineer can do for $7

And any damn fool can do for $1


It lasted two days.
The company was half scientists.

In the lab where I worked, no one expected us scientists to actually DO anything. Probably an expression of long experience...

Jim

[Singularity]

Originally Posted by dfelsent

One place I worked (as an engineer) I put up a sign that said:

A scientist can do for $10

What an engineer can do for $7

And any damn fool can do for $1

It lasted two days.
The company was half scientists.

If the company had spent more than $7 on the sign project then the sign would have lasted a lot longer than 2 days. Any of the scientists could have told you that's how things work.

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

In the lab where I worked, no one expected us scientists to actually DO anything. Probably an expression of long experience...

Jim

When I was in engineer school met several fellow students that had been techs before coming to the university. All said they went on to get the degree because even though the techs did all the work the engineers got all the money.

[goboatingnow]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Just found out we own an island in Scotland......





.

Yo, hands off our island

[GordMay]

[MicHughV]

An automotive engineer dies and goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and they start discussing cars and other mechanical devices. God is soon bored with this conversation.

God then asks him " hey, what do you think about my woman creation ?"

The engineer replies" ayr, she is beauty, wonderfully styled with those twin headlights, curvaceous rear end and soft luscious paint job...but why on earth is the carburetor placed so close to the exhaust ?"

[Eigenvector]

A Mississippi resident sent a raccoon in a top-slatted soap box to the White House in November of 1926. The idea was that the animal would be slaughtered and prepared for a Thanksgiving feast, according to news reports. But President Calvin Coolidge didn’t care for raccoon meat. Turkey would suit.............................................


https://www.washingtonpost.com/scien...e-pet-instead/

[MicHughV]

in my ill spent youth......me and my friends would carefully and noiselessly move thru' the African bush to try and shoot sparrows out of trees with a catapult..the downed bird would then be retrieved, plucked, entrails removed, and shoved on the end of a stick and held over a fire..

the sum total amount of meat on the bird was about the size of one's thumb...with the drumsticks about the size of a matchstick...but ate it, we did......after all, we were the fearless big game hunters....and we lived by the hunter's dictum...." eat what you shoot"

[GordMay]

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