The New Joke Thread

[Eigenvector]

The teacher said his his classroom:


“Take a pencil and paper and write an essay with the title If I Were a Millionaire “


Everyone, except for Little Johnny, began to write.


“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you write?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

[Eigenvector]

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.



The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate. “Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.



“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.



“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.



“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

[S-V SAGA]

A traveling salesman knocks on the door. Little Johnny answers the door in his boxers with a glass of scotch in one hand and a big stogie in the other. The salesman asks.. "Is your mother home?" WTF do you think says Johnny!

[GordMay]

[Singularity]

Everyone is struggling right now...

[GordMay]

[Montanan]

2020 discussion be like:

[chrisr]

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some of these sayings:


"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

cheers,

[GordMay]

The Evolution of Math Teaching
1960s: A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit?
1970s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, that is, $8. What is his profit?
1970s (new math): A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to 10, and each element of M is worth $1. Draw ten big dots representing the elements of M. The set C of production costs is composed of two big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits?
1980s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8, and his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
1990s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His or her production costs are 0.80 of his or her revenue. On your calculator, graph revenue vs. costs. Run the POTATO program to determine the profit. Discuss the result with students in your group. Write a brief essay that analyzes this example in the real world of economics.

Now: 1 + 1 = 3, for sufficiently large one's.

[GordMay]

A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech, at a conference.
Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem* ... but they should keep it under their hats.
When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic.
Afterwards, the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about the theorem and then didn't.
He replied this was his standard practice ...
just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.

* British professor, Andrew Wiles, got prestigious recognition for "for his stunning proof of Fermat's Last Theorem by way of the modularity conjecture for semistable elliptic curves, opening a new era in number theory.", winning the Abel Prize from the Norwegian Academy of Science and Letters. At the time Wiles solved Fermat’s Last Theorem, it was the most famous, long-running unsolved problem in mathematics, having been first conjectured by French mathematician Pierre de Fermat, in 1637.


Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE
(Motto of the Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving Society)

[MicHughV]

math....
if a ship can cross the Atlantic in 7 days.....7 ships can cross it in one day....right !!
1Sx7D=1C.....or 7SD=1C 7Sx1D=1C.....or 7SD=1C
it's math and figures never lie...

[MicHughV]

I was in the grocery store today.....for the life of me, I don't get it, there is another run on toilet paper again...it's beyond my comprehension...toilet paper shelves were empty...
you'd think people would be stocking up with food and booze....but no....it's toilet paper....it's a sad commentary on the human race as we know it today....

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

What is the difference between Engineers, Architects and Contractors?

An Architect is said to be a man who knows a great deal, about very little, and who goes along knowing more and more, about less and less, until finally, he knows practically everything about nothing.

An Engineer, on the other hand, is a man who knows a very little about, a great deal, and keeps knowing less and less, about more and more, until he knows practically nothing about everything.

A Contractor starts out knowing practically everything, about everything, but ends by knowing nothing about anything, due to his association with Architects and Engineers.