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Old 05-11-2020, 16:11   #13546
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This Newfie is going icefishing. He starts to drill a hole with his auger when a loud booming voice says, "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"

So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again. The same voice booms, "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"

So he moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice immediately comes again, "THERE"S NO FISH THERE EITHER!"

The Newf looks around and says, "Who are you anyways? God?"

"NO I'M THE ARENA MANAGER!"
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Old 06-11-2020, 05:55   #13547
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 06-11-2020, 06:53   #13548
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Old 06-11-2020, 15:01   #13549
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 06-11-2020, 15:26   #13550
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Amazon's Alexa is 10 years old today. For those that don't want her listening in on your conversations and to balance sexual equality, Amazon is bringing out a male version... "Alex".

He doesn't listen to anything.
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Old 06-11-2020, 23:13   #13551
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Re: The New Joke Thread

somebody mentioned there is an election going on somewhere, so i thought i'd bring you a bit of a run down on the australian political system

Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.

The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Labor.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement.

Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as ****tas.

Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.

Modern Laborites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare. Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Laborites.

Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX. They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women. Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, doctors and nurses and generally anyone who works productively. Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.

Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production, so many become lawyers. That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.

Here ends today's lesson in Australian history. It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above, whereas a Liberal will simply laugh, and forward immediately to other true believers - and to more Laborites - just to piss them off.

Please don't complain to me about the system 'cause "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn"

cheers,
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Old 07-11-2020, 01:02   #13552
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Re: The New Joke Thread

On the subject of Australia... this turned up in my Facebook feed this morning, purporting to have been written by the late, great, Douglas Adams. Credible, but it also reads as if has been written by the equally impressive (and late) Sir Terry Pratchet, who has expressed similar sentiments from time to time.

I am not sure why the Poms are so very good at distilling the essence of Australia in their writing, but this really should be compulsory reading for any tourist destined for this country.

———————————-

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.

Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.

Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.

A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.

The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.

More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching
a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.


If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.


HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS


They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.


They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.


How else do you get a stain on your shirt?

They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a stick..
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Old 07-11-2020, 01:11   #13553
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 07-11-2020, 02:59   #13554
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GILow View Post
On the subject of Australia... this turned up in my Facebook feed this morning, purporting to have been written by the late, great, Douglas Adams. Credible, but it also reads as if has been written by the equally impressive (and late) Sir Terry Pratchet, who has expressed similar sentiments from time to time.

I am not sure why the Poms are so very good at distilling the essence of Australia in their writing, but this really should be compulsory reading for any tourist destined for this country.

———————————-

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.

Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.

Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.

A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.

The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.

More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching
a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.


If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.


HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS


They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.


They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.


How else do you get a stain on your shirt?

They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a stick..


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Name:	<a title=images (1).jpg Views: 140 Size: 31.5 KB ID: 226577" style="margin: 2px" />
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Old 07-11-2020, 04:54   #13555
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all, but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
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Old 07-11-2020, 05:22   #13556
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Who would have thought, that 2 men in their 70s, could maintain an election for this long?
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Old 07-11-2020, 05:29   #13557
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Who would have thought, that 2 men in their 70s, could maintain an election for this long?
You win the joke thread this month!
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Old 07-11-2020, 06:39   #13558
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull View Post
You win the joke thread this month!
Here here. I'm stealing that one.
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Old 07-11-2020, 06:56   #13559
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Re: The New Joke Thread

true, that English beer, to most others, is a warm, tepid taste....but most English beer is locally made by area breweries, some, that will, every once in a while produce a beer with three times the average alcohol content..I'm talking serious arse-kicking here, ask me, I know....
and c'mon, America has yet to learn to make beer. Bud light, Miller lite, etc, is actually a lager or koolaid by a different name....
you want good beer, you gotta learn to make it yerself...
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Old 07-11-2020, 08:56   #13560
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
No, it really IS Muphry's Law (the name is a play on the original Murphy's Law")
Supporting documentation at:

https://ireland-calling.com/muphrys-law/


Muphry’s Law states that if you highlight errors in somebody’s spelling or grammar, there will be mistakes within your criticism. It also states that the more you criticise, the more mistakes you will make.
It is a deliberate play on words with Murphy’s Law which states that ‘Anything that can go wrong will go wrong’.


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