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Old 21-10-2020, 22:30   #13336
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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Old 21-10-2020, 22:31   #13337
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A rather scruffy-looking man goes into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he says to the teller, "I wanna open a ****ing cheque account."

"Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

"Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a ****ing cheque account," growled the would-be customer.

"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"Just lemme open a ****ing cheque account, okay?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the angry teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

"I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a ****ing cheque account."

"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"
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Old 21-10-2020, 22:32   #13338
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Re: The New Joke Thread

During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"
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Old 21-10-2020, 22:42   #13339
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The world has gone effing mad. Funny, but it's still useless junk few people need...


There are even videos on how to train your chicken. So, if you like your chick in pink underwear strapped up on a leash then buy one today!



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I prefer this one:



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Old 22-10-2020, 01:28   #13340
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post


I can see it! I can see it!
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Old 22-10-2020, 02:39   #13341
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Meanwhile.. back in the real world..

THE Pope has endorsed same-sex civil partnerships, but bigots will still think of weird reasons to oppose gay marriage. Here are some of them.

‘You’ll be able to marry your dog next’

Deeply offensive ‘slippery slope’ argument. It also ignores the fact that at no point in human history has marrying your dog been a popular activity. They wriggle like f**k when you try to put a jumper on them to take a cutesy picture, so imagine trying to get them into a wedding dress.


From the Daily Mash...
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Old 22-10-2020, 02:53   #13342
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive, will be cockroaches.
Which means, we will still have functioning governments.

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust, but can't survive a slap from a newspaper.
This shows how toxic the news media is.
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Old 22-10-2020, 07:31   #13343
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Re: The New Joke Thread

the benefits of old age

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds, people get out the way faster...

Gone are the days, when girls used to cook like their mothers, now they drink like their fathers...

I didn't make it to the gym today.....that makes it five years in a row....

The biggest lie I tell myself...." I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it"...

Off course I talk to myself.....sometimes I need expert advice...

At my age..."getting lucky"...means walking into a room and remembering what I came for..

I don't have grey hairs...I have wisdom highlights..

I was going to write more....but I forgot the rest....
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Old 22-10-2020, 07:42   #13344
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive, will be cockroaches.
Which means, we will still have functioning governments.

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust, but can't survive a slap from a newspaper.
This shows how toxic the news media is.
I've heard they've expanded the nuclear survivor list to include cockroaches, Twinkies and Keith Richards.
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Old 22-10-2020, 08:14   #13345
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by MicHughV View Post
a toilet....ah...to have such luxury....!!!

I can remember times during my military stint, when nowhere near a base camp, should you have a " drop trou" moment, you headed for the nearest tree....bush....hole.....anything you could find that offered you some protection at this most delicate of times.......and hoped to hell, nobody was watching you or could see you as you were very much a sitting duck at this most precarious of moments...
.... and then trying very hard (not always successfully) to ensure your aim was not near your dropped trou, boots or other kit as you batted away bugs, spiders, etc...and then....luxury of all luxury's...from some "secret" compartment hidden way deep in your uniform...you extracted a few mangled remnant sheets from a roll of toilet paper...that you hoarded and protected like the holy grail...to be seen and shared by nobody....

a toilet...ha...such luxury !...I laugh in my beer....

I had an Uncle, long dead that was a Marine in the Pacific in WWII. He was shot in the arse while performing the mentioned activity, by a Japanese soldier. The bullet was made of wood, seems that towards the end of the war the Japanese were so short of metals that they made bullets from wood.
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Old 22-10-2020, 09:21   #13346
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The last time I visited a zoo, it had only a single animal - a dog. It was a shih tzu.
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Old 22-10-2020, 09:33   #13347
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Re: The New Joke Thread

as bad as the aforementioned may sound.....worse was yet to come....

I ended up in hospital, with limited physical maneuverability, when I had another "drop trou" moment and was handed a bedpan. Let me tell you, "performing" while laying flat in bed is pure torture.

Off all the cruel tortuous devices invented by mankind, the bedpan must rank at the very top. This time I did not have to root around for shards of tp.....a cute nurse did the ....er...clean up. I'd rather go thru' the gates of hell, with my pants on fire, than have to repeat that again.

Following the above drama....my...er...manhood....was fitted with a urinary catheter....by same cute nurse. Now, normally having a cute nurse fawn over you would be something most men would look forward too.....in this case, it was sheer terror, so I'll spare you the details....combined with the previous activity, I was humbled, by the stuff that nurses do each and every day.

I can laugh about these things today...but can't eradicate the memories....
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Old 22-10-2020, 11:23   #13348
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Jeffrey Toobin tried changing his Zoom password to penis,

but they said it was too short.
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Old 22-10-2020, 11:28   #13349
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In the time of COVID.....


.
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Old 22-10-2020, 13:33   #13350
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The sad part is that I am sure someone somewhere is saying something similar to this!
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