The New Joke Thread

[Lost Horizons]

Originally Posted by darylat8750

wanted a firearm for protection.

gave her an M1A instead of an AR15

Those folks obviously are into an over-penetration concept.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Yes, because the pictures never downloaded so he doesn't know what to buy.

avocado

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by darylat8750

My best effort of combining guns and jokes on short notice: Charlene of the red light district wanted a firearm for protection. Her pimp was an "Infantry! Follow ME!" kind of guy. He gave her an M1A instead of an AR15 because it uses stripper clips instead of magazines.

Good joke, although technically we haven't combined guns with jokes. A gun is a crew served weapon.

This is a gun:

[dfelsent]

https://despair.com/collections/demotivators

[StuM]

Strictly for the geeks:

One guacamole is equal to 6.02214076 x 10^23 guacas.

One might even call it avocado's number

[StuM]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

Good joke, although technically we haven't combined guns with jokes. A gun is a crew served weapon.

This is a gun:

This is my rifle, this is my gun....

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by StuM

Strictly for the geeks:

One guacamole is equal to 6.02214076 x 10^23 guacas.

One might even call it avocado's number

OMG! What kind of brain thinks of that one?

Edit: but I thought it was 10^24 - is my memory going?

Re-edit: checked Wikipedia, you're right - I've been leading people astray all this time.

[Wotname]

Originally Posted by StuM

It's certainly not a true story with regard to "1 I took my ...."
And I doubt that it has ever really happened for anyone else.


It's a joke!

FIFY

[StuM]

Jetski

[sailorphil9]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you got any?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no nookie since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[sailorphil9]

I've never played golf, but my friend tells me that this is version 2 Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole..

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or is currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage player’s equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11.. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.






13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.



14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owner’s request.



15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[sailorphil9]

More on the subject of pedantry:


My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.
I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?"
She said, "Whatever means necessary."
"No it doesn't," I said.

[sailorphil9]

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:

"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.

She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by StuM

Strictly for the geeks:

One guacamole is equal to 6.02214076 x 10^23 guacas.

One might even call it avocado's number

Damn... I must be a geek 'cause I liked it, Stu. Good one, mate!

Jim

[sailorphil9]

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave (?) and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing.

Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "Ya fookin idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".