The New Joke Thread

[ArmyDaveNY]

As you are probably aware, Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God.

You are probably also aware the Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christians.

But are you aware that Baptists (feel free to substitute any other group here) don't recognize each other in bars and liquor stores?

[GordMay]

Back in the day, you would cough to cover up a fart.
Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.


BTW: If you can smell their fart, you're too close; move further apart.

[ArmyDaveNY]

What is the difference between the Boy Scouts and Cavalry Officers?

The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!

[ArmyDaveNY]

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was saying but I figured the risk of transmission was low due to his protective gear and frankly, I was ready for some human interaction, even from a potential crazy person, so I let him in.

He sat down and said he wanted to tell me some things about the future because if this knowledge was entrusted to me, I could be trusted to use it for good. Over the next few minutes he told me about many things but I was left with many questions. He said I could ask a few, so I did.

I asked about climate change. He assured me that after 2035, nations learned how to deal with it and it was no longer an issue.

I asked about the Wuhan virus. He assured me it would be a blip on the radar of human history and nobody worries about pandemics anymore.

I asked about massive economic turmoil we are in. He said despite the borrowing and deficits of earlier times, those debts are now repaid. The United States has never been a better more united society.

I was so happy to hear all this. I asked about inflation and how much it costs for a gallon of water, or a loaf of bread or a cup of coffee. He chuckled and said I didn't need to worry about such trivial things. In the year 2026, it was possible to still get coffee at Starbucks in America for under 150 Yuan.

[Franziska]

Yes, but you don't have Covid yet, as you can still smell it :-)
If you can't smell it go and self isolate.

Originally Posted by GordMay

Back in the day, you would cough to cover up a fart.
Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.


BTW: If you can smell their fart, you're too close; move further apart.

[Quebramar]

Originally Posted by GordMay

BTW: If you can smell their fart, you're too close; move further apart.

Indeed, but if you can, the benefit is that there’s a great chance you haven’t been infected!

[CaptTom]

Originally Posted by tkeithlu

OK, original Victorian joke. Probably posted it before, but with 870 pages of entries, who can remember?

Milady is being driven in her carriage by her horseman. The horse farts. Now, anyone who has lived around horses knows that they fart alot. But this fart is monumental. It scorches the grass on the sides of the road, and measurably increases carriage speed.

Horseman: Oh, milady, I am so sorry.

Milady: You need not apologize, I had thought that it was the horse.

I thought this joke was better when instead of "M'Lady" it was some head of state being taken in a carriage by the Queen. And it was she who made the apology.

[ChrisJHC]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Maggie (wife)...

Is your wife really Maggie May?
Who are you, Rod Stewart?

[JC Reefer]

Campaign fly

[sailorphil9]

Sold out 35,000 @ $10

[sailorphil9]

[sailorphil9]

One day an aged Hollywood agent received a package containing $100,000 and a note which explained the money.

Dear Sir,
You may not remember me but when I was a young struggling actor I came to you for advice. Unfortunately I was too young and headstrong to heed your advice for many years and then it brought instant success. I know my name was pretty unique, after all how many people are named Penis Van Lesbian? The problem was that I was named Penis after my uncle Penis, a great man, and the name Van Lesbian goes back many generations, no wonder I walked out of your office never to set foot again.

Despite being quite talented, I could sing, dance and do funny accents, but I could never get a part in any production. Eventually after many years I took your advice and changed my name, and I’ve never looked back. The money is a gift to you for all the parts that your advice got me.

Yours sincerely,


Signed
Dick Van Dyke.

[sailorphil9]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realised they both needed to go and have a wee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her knickers, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her knickers on ." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

Is your wife really Maggie May?
Who are you, Rod Stewart?

Her full name is Margaret Susan May.
She goes by Maggie May, but, sometimes I call her Peggy Sue.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by sailorphil9

Attachment 224893

I don't get it???