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Old 30-09-2020, 05:25   #12826
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Can this be true?
I’m told there is only one word that becomes longer, when you add two letters; and that another word actually becomes shorter, when you add two letters.
lone

add gr = longer
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Old 30-09-2020, 08:21   #12827
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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True story: When I was in a (male only) residence at university we had a party with entertainment, including one comedy act billed as the "300 lb stripper". She probably wasn't really 300 lb, but you get the idea.

A couple of years later, my girlfriend at the time introduced me to her stepmother.

Guess who?



(Re the "oversized escorts" post, in case it wasn't clear)
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Old 30-09-2020, 08:57   #12828
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Most of us, and most likely all Americans, know the story of how George Armstrong Custer and the Seventh Cavalry were massacred at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. What many people don’t know is that Custer’s legend and reputation are in large measure due to the tireless work of his widow to protect, and indeed improve, his reputation and make him the larger-than-life hero he is popularly believed to be today.

There are many works of art that depict the Seventh Cavalry’s last stand in the face of overwhelming odds against them at the Little Bighorn. Among these famous art works is Custer’s Last Fight, a huge painting by Cassilly Adams which was later acquired and made famous by Anheiser-Busch Brewing Company when the distributed around 150,000 copies to saloons and taverns to advertise Budweiser beer.

However, there is a legend about a painting now forgotten by history which Libby Custer supposedly commissioned by a famous artist of the time that shows Custer’s last stand and, most significantly, his last thoughts as battle was joined with the Indians. As the story goes, she sought out the artist to specifically create a painting that showed what her heroic husband must have been thinking and feeling that fateful morning. It took the artist two years to create the painting, and when it was finally finished Mrs. Custer was not at all pleased.

The painting was oversized, and showed the artist’s interpretation of what the landscape in front of Custer and his soldiers looked like. In the center of the painting was a huge, steaming pile of feces above which appeared a glowing gold halo much like a saint or an angel would be wearing. Surrounding the steaming pile of excrement were hundreds of Indian couples, most of them naked, shown having sex in all sorts of positions and with great, bordering on clinical, detail.

Libby was horrified and furious. As she tore up the painting she screamed at the artist “How dare you create such a filthy, pornographic painting and associate it with my husband! I very clearly told you I expected something that showed what my heroic husband was thinking at the time he died in battle!”

The artist replied “Yes, ma’am, that is what you asked for and it is clearly what I have done. There is no doubt in my mind that your husband’s final thoughts were ‘Holy sh*t! Look at all those f%cking Indians!’”
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Old 30-09-2020, 10:47   #12829
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'll say it again, the ability to spell is far better than using spellcheck and being too stupid to catch your mistakes...

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Old 30-09-2020, 11:17   #12830
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Re: The New Joke Thread

^^^^^ Do these also pair well with favs beans and a nice Chianti?
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Old 30-09-2020, 12:08   #12831
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Re: The New Joke Thread

^^^^^ Sorry, that should be "fava beans." Damn spellcheck.
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Old 30-09-2020, 12:10   #12832
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ever stoic Admiral Nelson, when about to engage in battle with another ship, would tell the cabin steward " go down and fetch me, my red shirt"...after some years went by the cabin steward finally mustered up the courage to ask the good Admiral " what's it with red shirt ?" Nelson replied " should I get wounded, I don't want my crew to panic if they see blood flowing down my chest".....the cabin steward nodded in appreciation and understanding.....
Some time later Nelson encountered the French Fleet and told his cabin steward " go down and fetch me my brown pants".....
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Old 30-09-2020, 18:29   #12833
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull View Post
True story: When I was in a (male only) residence at university we had a party with entertainment, including one comedy act billed as the "300 lb stripper". She probably wasn't really 300 lb, but you get the idea.

A couple of years later, my girlfriend at the time introduced me to her stepmother.

Guess who?

That's just CREEPY!
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Old 30-09-2020, 18:52   #12834
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My kids want to buy this mask for my blind Aunt.. I don't know whether to laugh or cut them out of the will..

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Old 30-09-2020, 18:54   #12835
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by MicHughV View Post
Ever stoic Admiral Nelson, when about to engage in battle with another ship, would tell the cabin steward " go down and fetch me, my red shirt"...after some years went by the cabin steward finally mustered up the courage to ask the good Admiral " what's it with red shirt ?" Nelson replied " should I get wounded, I don't want my crew to panic if they see blood flowing down my chest".....the cabin steward nodded in appreciation and understanding.....
Some time later Nelson encountered the French Fleet and told his cabin steward " go down and fetch me my brown pants".....
I'm confused...

the FRENCH fleet? Were they flying the Spanish or Portuguese flag?
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Old 30-09-2020, 18:58   #12836
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 30-09-2020, 19:03   #12837
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some good old ancient double entendre from the Hollywood Squares...


Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
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Old 30-09-2020, 19:06   #12838
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Old 30-09-2020, 19:07   #12839
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Old 30-09-2020, 20:58   #12840
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted with no comment.

https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...1&d=1601524650
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