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Old 25-09-2020, 16:31   #12766
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A shoe company wants to expand its sales. So they open an office in India and send two sales persons to scope out the market.

First salesmen reports back: Well we wasted our money on the India office. 80% of the people here don’t wear shoes.

Second salesmen reports back: Great news! It seems very few people here have heard of shoes!
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Old 25-09-2020, 19:16   #12767
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.








For example:
Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
Jane ate her friend's colon.
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Old 25-09-2020, 20:21   #12768
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.








For example:
Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
Jane ate her friend's colon.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter's reply: "Jane sounds like a woman of discerning taste. You wouldn't happen to have her number, would you?"
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Old 26-09-2020, 00:28   #12769
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by El Pinguino View Post
Stop me if you have heard this before..

Hestia is a well known brand of bra in Australia... Duck Duck Go it if you think I am making this up...

And from the day they first appeared on the market every Australian schoolboy knew the name stood for 'Holds Every Size Tit In Australia'
These days, its not good enough to just hold, now the want them to defy Newton's law of universal gravitation


https://www.facebook.com/10491892468...4291937542859/
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Old 26-09-2020, 06:04   #12770
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Re: The New Joke Thread

ah, the boob, as much as I like to hold them and play with them, I'm glad I don't have any.
The good Lord made a wise decision giving boobs to women, if men had them, nothing would ever get done.
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Old 26-09-2020, 09:54   #12771
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tortured joke telling, be forewared...


Claire and her friend Bre decide to go to an ice sculpture festival. Bre, being a bit of a lush, brings a flask of her favorite booze.

The women swig shot after shot while admiring the work of local artisans. Despite the cool weather, the women start feeling warm underneath their winter coats. Unfortunately, it’s a family winter festival and the only vendors are selling hot chocolate.

“I need something to cool me down!” Claire complains to her friend.

“I know this is awful!” Bre says.

Claire spots a carving knife on a table next to a sculpture of a woman dancing that no one is paying any attention to. The sculpture stands about five feet tall. So Claire squats down and slices a hunk of ice off the sculptures left knee.

Bre grabs it and immediately scarfs it down. “It’s so cool!” She exclaims.

A security guard watching this event transpire detains them until an officer can arrest them for disorderly conduct and public intoxication.

After a few phone calls, Claire’s husband comes to pick the women up. “Can you please tell me what happened?!” He asks Claire, exasperated.

Claire sighs and says “We got a-knee, Bre-ate-it.”
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Old 26-09-2020, 09:55   #12772
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it."
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Old 26-09-2020, 09:56   #12773
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There are two types of countries in this world.....

Those that use the metric system, and those that have put men on the moon.
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Old 26-09-2020, 09:56   #12774
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
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Old 26-09-2020, 09:58   #12775
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there ages. Your legs look tired. How about I give those muscles a rub?”

I don’t think so, she says, "How about giving me my youthful looks back again.”

The little man shakes his head, "Sorry, I can't do that. But sit on that rock over there and I can work wonders on those calves.”

She declines. "How about making me slimmer, with some curves in the right places?"

"Sorry, no can do." he replies, "But how about a relaxing shoulder rub?"

“How about finding me a caring, thoughtful, handsome man, then?”

"I can’t do that either, but my back rubs are just delightful,” he offers.

Annoyed she gives him a glare, "What is it with you? I ask 3 wishes, you can't grant any. What kind of a genie are you?"

"Hey, who said I'm a genie?" says the little man, "I'm a massage in a bottle."
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Old 26-09-2020, 20:06   #12776
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 26-09-2020, 20:10   #12777
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 26-09-2020, 20:11   #12778
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Old 26-09-2020, 23:17   #12779
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 27-09-2020, 00:35   #12780
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
There are two types of countries in this world.....

Those that use the metric system, and those that have put men on the moon.
NASA used all metric calculations for the moon landings , the only things that were non-metric were the displays because the astronauts were pilots who were used to using nautical miles and feet.


The one time they didn't use all metric calculations, was the time they crashed into Mars.
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