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Old 16-09-2020, 08:15   #12601
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 16-09-2020, 08:17   #12602
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Old 16-09-2020, 08:18   #12603
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Old 16-09-2020, 08:24   #12604
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Someone has a very keen insight into relationships...

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Old 16-09-2020, 09:18   #12605
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Harkening back to a few days ago...


What happened when Sin and Cos stayed out in the sun for too long?

They both became tanned gents.
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Old 16-09-2020, 09:20   #12606
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I got stopped the other day by a cop with Alzheimer’s.

He walks up to my window and asks me, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
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Old 16-09-2020, 09:20   #12607
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall.
It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.
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Old 16-09-2020, 09:24   #12608
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Everyone is worried about which candidate will win the US presidential election.

I happen to be more worried about the one that loses.

The loser is the one that will be driving his own car.
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Old 16-09-2020, 20:39   #12609
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I got stopped the other day by a cop with Alzheimer’s.

He walks up to my window and asks me, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
That's every cop who has ever pulled me over. I always say, "I have no idea."

One time I was pulled over in a famous speed trap area in the sand dunes - 15 mph in a section that is a marked a 45 mph road. It turned out to be a notorious BLM ranger who is literally a red headed peckerwood about half my age. When he asked me if I knew why he pulled me over, I said, "No idea, since I was doing 14 mph in a 15 mph zone, according to my GPS." "Both of your license plate lights are out. I'm going to have to have to cite you for that." I got out, kicked the rear bumper to see if they'd flicker back on, no joy. I said, "Real cops normally give verbal warning for chickensh1t equipment violations like this. How about I promise to replace both bulbs first thing tomorrow morning?"

"Sir, give me your license, registration and proof of insurance." So I handed over my license and proof of insurance and reached in and pulled out a huge stack of paperwork from the center console. I started slowly digging through the stack, which included auto parts receipts, expired registration papers, expired insurance papers, birthday cards, expired recreation passes, etc and after 2 or 3 minutes, Officer Peckerwood was dancing from one leg to the other.

I said, "Son, why are you doing the peepee dance? Do you have to go take a tinkle? Is that why you're hopping around like that?" In frustration, he said, "Fine - go get those lights replaced. If I catch you out here again with those lights still out, I WILL write that ticket! Now get out of here!"

I handed the stack of papers to my girl friend and climbed back in the truck. She asked me, "Why did you say "peepee and tinkle" to him, I've never heard you say that before, and where is your registration?" I told her, "That's the POS BLM crapstain everyone is talking about on the website. I wanted him to know he's a punk kid barely out of diapers. My registration is in the glove box, I intentionally dug through that pile from the console because I knew it wasn't in there, but I do know ranger peckerwood is very impatient and short tempered. I sorta figured he'd want to move on and write more tickets, and I was right." She thought that was pretty funny!

************************************************** *********

Another time I was doing 124 mph on an open fwy when I spotted a CHP parked on the overpass onramp and he started coming after me. I used the parking brake and downshifted into 4th and slowed down to 65 mph in a couple of miles without the brakes or brake lights. In 4.5 mi. he pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Smiling, I said, "I have no idea, officer. Maybe you wanted a closer look at this beautiful blue Mustang?" I must have caught him in a great mood, because he started laughing! Switching tactics, he said, "How fast were you going back there?" "Exactly 65 mph officer, I had my cruise control on." He started laughing again, "No, I mean when I saw you, not when you saw me!" "I have been doing 65 mph as far back as I can recall." He chuckled and said, "Why do you think it took me 4.5 mi to catch up to you?"

"Because you're driving a Crown Vic, and those are notoriously slow vehicles." He just smiled and shook his head and said, "License, registration and proof of insurance. I'm guesstimating you were going about 120 mph, but since I'm in a good mood, I'm just going to cite you for 95+ mph, which is still a $450 fine, but it's a lot better than getting arrested and having your car impounded, which is a lot more expensive." I handed over my paperwork and my insurance card had expired about 3 weeks before. He said, "The lack of current insurance is going to add $1,000 to the fine, so MAKE SURE you go to court and fight this. Show the judge your current ins. card and he'll drop $1,000 off the fine and maybe show you a little leniency on the speeding fine."

A few months later I went to court, showed my insurance card to the judge and he dropped the lack of ins. fine and dismissed the speeding charge. It turns out the CHP had written the wrong VC number and it didn't match the violation written down, which is an automatic dismissal. I know CHP officers write thousands of these tickets over the course of their careers, so I'm pretty sure he made that mistake on purpose. I guess he really WAS in a good mood!
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Old 16-09-2020, 21:50   #12610
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was once driving on the Florida Turnpike. Back then they gave you a paper ticket when you got on. It had the time you got on the turnpike stamped on it. I got pulled over for speeding and tried to BS the trooper. He looked at my toll ticket, thought for a minute and said “Son, you’ve been averaging better than 80 since you got on and I know you stopped to pee at least once”. He had me.
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Old Yesterday, 01:30   #12611
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I was once driving on the Florida Turnpike. Back then they gave you a paper ticket when you got on. It had the time you got on the turnpike stamped on it. I got pulled over for speeding and tried to BS the trooper. He looked at my toll ticket, thought for a minute and said “Son, you’ve been averaging better than 80 since you got on and I know you stopped to pee at least once”. He had me.
What were the odds...? A mathematically literate roadside copper.
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Old Yesterday, 02:34   #12612
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Old Yesterday, 02:35   #12613
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Old Yesterday, 02:36   #12614
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Old Yesterday, 02:41   #12615
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