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Old 13-09-2020, 15:58   #12556
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by S/V Adeline View Post
2+2=4

An engineer, a mathematician, a logician, a lawyer and an accountant apply for the position of manager of a large division. To determine who’s the most suitable applicant, the interviewer asked each of them to answer this question: “What’s 2 plus 2?”
When the interviewer asked the question to the old engineer, he immediately whipped out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally answered, “between 3.9999 and 4.0001.”
When asked the same question, the mathematician answered “4” without missing a beat.
Next, the logician answered, “Elementary! Using deductive reasoning, I deduce that it is impossible for 2 plus 2 to be equal to 1 or 2. 2 plus 2 is also not equal to 3 since 3 minus 2 is equal to 1. So, it leaves us 4, and 4 minus 2 is equal to 2. Ergo, 2 plus 2 is equal to 4!”

Next, the lawyer answered, “In the case of Nutters v. Department of Professional Tax Hounds, the Supreme Court ruled that 2 plus 2 is equal to 5.”
Finally, when asked the same question, the accountant just smirked and asked the interviewer in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”
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Old 13-09-2020, 16:00   #12557
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results.
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Old 13-09-2020, 16:18   #12558
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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the interviewer asked each of them to answer this question: ďWhatís 2 plus 2?Ē
Stu, the way I heard the joke...

The new HR manager took a sensitivity course and then, when the boss was hiring a new secretary, interviewed three young women for the job. He too asked "how much is 2 and 2?"

The first said" why, that's 4, obviously"

The second said "why, that's 22, obviously".

The third said " well, depending upon the context it could be 4 or it could be 22".

The HR chap said to the boss "the first applicant demonstrated straight forward and culturally normal reasoning and would do a good job with normal tasks. The second one has a more open minded outlook and can think outside the box and would be good with creative situations. The third combines the two outlooks and can likely be both creative and steadfast, depending on the situation. Which one do you want?"

The boss said " the blonde with big boobs".

Jim
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Old 13-09-2020, 19:46   #12559
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Taking it too far.



People that go off on a tangent are so annoying

Just learn to stay in the circle.





Why did the tangent not like the adjacent

Because the tangent likes the opposite over the adjacent





A tangent applied for a credit card, but was denied.

He couldn't find anyone willing to cosine.





Two tangents meet at a bar

After a long evening the one tangent says: "That was fun, we should meet again!"

The other: "You know that isn't going to happen!"





Hey babe, can I be your first derivative?

Because I want to lie tangent to your curves...





I think my girlfriend has a trigonometry fetish

because every time I talk to her she gets off on a tangent.





I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. It's so complex. I'm afraid his problems will start to multiply exponentially, and he just doesn't understand the root of it all. Pretty soon he won't be able to integrate at all. And just to add to the trouble, those he defines as 'friends' just want to divide his space between themselves. I'm afraid soon he'll go off into the Great Unknown...





Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.



Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."



When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.





Why do you always follow your instinct when doing trigonometry?

Because you might have secant thoughts and go off on a tangent





What's the difference between a Trump interview ad-lib, and a Person of Color?

One's a tangent; the other a tan gent.


Actually beautiful.
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Old 13-09-2020, 20:13   #12560
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Stu, the way I heard the joke...


The boss said " the blonde with big boobs".

Jim
Reminds me of a true story...

When I was a defense contractor, our regional VP hired an 18 yr old little hard body blonde as his personal assistant. He called me in and asked me if I thought she could learn how to use a computer, printer and phone. I told him, "Probably." So he told me to teach her.

The first lesson - within 5 minutes I told her she had to remove the big stud in her tongue - it made her sound like she had a horrible speech impediment. I noticed she also had large nipple piercings under her thin cotton top. She touched them and asked me if I liked them. I told her "yes" and she told me she had matching hardware downstairs. I figured none of that affected her ability to speak or type, so I ignored all of that.

After a couple of days she knew enough to do everything she'd normally do in day to day operations.

I went back to the VP who had disappointingly low standards and whose career goal was "plausible deniability" and asked him why he hired a girl with no prior experience. He asked me, "Did you teach her how to do everything?" "Yes", I answered.

"Good. I'm sure it was much easier for you to teach her than if I had hired a 50 yr old experienced secretary and asked you to turn her into an 18 yr old hard body."
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Old 14-09-2020, 06:30   #12561
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Re: The New Joke Thread

y'all can have your hard bodies...I like mine soft and pliable...
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Old 14-09-2020, 08:56   #12562
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I like the ones who can open your beer or trim your cigar with only one hand...

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Old 14-09-2020, 10:18   #12563
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Re: The New Joke Thread

some bodily forms simply look better when they can shake, jiggle and bounce...this is a scientifically proven fact..for the sake of science, I have myself, made it a lifelong quest, to delve into this factoid....I do this voluntarily on my own time, to better serve mankind.....
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Old 14-09-2020, 10:54   #12564
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Re: The New Joke Thread

the dreaded "Monkey Blood"
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Old 14-09-2020, 12:14   #12565
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Eigenvector View Post
the dreaded "Monkey Blood"
Only one step up from pouring gun powder on the wound and lighting it. I remember going to great lengths to hide any cuts and scrapes to avoid that stuff.
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Old 14-09-2020, 12:16   #12566
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Re: The New Joke Thread

don't forget the spoonful of cod liver oil poured down you throat after dinner every night...
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Old 14-09-2020, 12:18   #12567
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The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Dave_S View Post
Only one step up from pouring gun powder on the wound and lighting it. I remember going to great lengths to hide any cuts and scrapes to avoid that stuff.


You guys sure you not confusing this with Methiolate? That had the alcohol in and burned like crazy. This stuff was way easier. Water based, I believe.

See here:

https://www.andalusiastarnews.com/20...e-affected-me/
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Old 14-09-2020, 12:51   #12568
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In 1919, the surgeon and urologist Dr. Hugh Young (with associates), at Johns Hopkins University, discovered the antiseptic qualities of mercurochrome. The pharmaceutical company of Hynson, Wetscott and Dunning Inc. developed mercurochrome into an everyday antiseptic.
The form of mercurochromem that was found in home medicine cabinets, is mercurochrome tincture,. which is nothing more than diluted merbromin, dissolved in either alcohol, acetone, water, or a combination of the afore mentioned.
In 1998, citing potential for mercury poisoning, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) reclassified merbromin from "generally recognized as safe" to "untested," effectively halting its distribution within the United States (some other countries followed suit).
If you remember mercurochrome as a stinging antiseptic, you will be interested to know that the alcohol and acetone tinctures of mercurochrome sting wounds, whereas the water-based mercurochrome solution does not.
Thimerosal (Merthiolate) is another ethylmercury-containing pharmaceutical compound that is 49.55% mercury, and that was developed in 1927.


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Old 14-09-2020, 13:05   #12569
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The New Joke Thread

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In 1919, the surgeon and urologist Dr. Hugh Young (with associates), at Johns Hopkins University, discovered the
Nice quote.

We had both Merthiolate (the devilís own) and Mercurochrome (didnít sting) where I grew up. You stayed away from that Merthiolate!
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Old 14-09-2020, 13:55   #12570
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In my family, minor scrapes were doused with the Monkey Blood, but more serious ones were dabbed with tincture of Iodine... and that really got your attention.

Kinda surprising that us kids didn't rebel... even more surprising that we survived!

Jim
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