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Old 27-08-2020, 23:45   #12271
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 28-08-2020, 11:35   #12272
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Re: The New Joke Thread

.283 lb/in3
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Old 28-08-2020, 11:38   #12273
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "You just wait!"
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Old 28-08-2020, 11:41   #12274
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him. "Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the door, so she got dressed and answered as quickly as she could.

"Are you Shannon Bee?" The man asked her, to which she replied "Yes." "It seems that last night, your husband was caught trying to break into your neighbor's collection of expensive Japanese alcohol." He explained.

"Peter's house? What happened?" Shannon cried.

"He was caught and shot by your neighbour, Peter. He's in the hospital. You're lucky that Peter isn't pressing charges." He replies.

As soon as she is able, Shannon rushes to the hospital to see her fool of a husband. When she enters his room, she finds him sitting on his bed, reading a book, with several bandages around his side.

"Oh, Tim." She laments. "Why did you try to break into our neighbor's house?"

Tim looks up at her and gives her a weak smile. "Oh." He replies simply. "For Pete's sake."
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Old 28-08-2020, 16:30   #12275
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
"Oh." He replies simply. "For Pete's sake."
Woah, took me a minute to get that one.
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Old 28-08-2020, 18:50   #12276
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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.283 lb/in3
Are we playing Jeopardy?
What is the density of mild steel?
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Old 28-08-2020, 19:02   #12277
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Are we playing Jeopardy?
What is the density of mild steel?
Actually density of most steels and irons.
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Old 28-08-2020, 19:22   #12278
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Finally isolated, the Corona Bug. Doesn't look that deadly...


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Old 28-08-2020, 19:29   #12279
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Old 28-08-2020, 19:30   #12280
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Old 28-08-2020, 19:35   #12281
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Range, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don'cha know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.
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Old 28-08-2020, 21:41   #12282
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A loaded question...

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Old 28-08-2020, 21:42   #12283
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Could be his mother-in-law...

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Old 28-08-2020, 21:42   #12284
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Re: The New Joke Thread

From a sign in a bar...
Our credit manager is Helen Waite.
If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.
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Old 28-08-2020, 21:43   #12285
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I are an engineer...

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