The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think...

[LakeSuperior]

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but cannot survive a slap from a newspaper.

This demonstrates how toxic the media is.

[LakeSuperior]

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

[LakeSuperior]

My wife just came home after doing some shopping, dragging huge and heavy bag behind her.

She had bought 4 bottles of wine, 2 bottles of whiskey, 3 bottles of rum, 16 cans of beer, and a loaf of bread.

I asked her, "Umm....are we expecting any guests.....?"

"No," she said.

"Then why the hell did you buy so much bread?!?"

[JoeRobertJr]

I am going to ask my Mom if that offer to slap me into next year is still open.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think...

Appears you have a profusion of confusion.

[LakeSuperior]

On a more serious note...

What's the best gift a parent can give their child?

Presence.

[LakeSuperior]

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re probably going to get a new dog!”

[LakeSuperior]

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart, and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

[LakeSuperior]

Then I said, "Your beard makes you look thinner"

...but that didn't seem to cheer her up.

[LakeSuperior]

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police.

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

[BVIbrian]

What do pirates and pimps have in common?
They both walk with a limp and say YO...HO!