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Old 24-08-2020, 05:47   #12226
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Re: The New Joke Thread

just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor...

who said drinking was bad for you ???
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Old 24-08-2020, 05:58   #12227
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorphil9 View Post
Our local Chinese takeaway was known as Effing Elses.


Every we phoned our order in she'd say 'Effing else?''

This is a true story..

The girl at our chinese place was really cute, so one day I asked her what her name was. Heron she said? I asked again, Heron! I asked her to spell it....




H E L E N

Why would her parents give her a name they cannot pronounce??
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Old 24-08-2020, 08:20   #12228
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorphil9 View Post
Our local Chinese takeaway was known as Effing Elses.


Every we phoned our order in she'd say 'Effing else?''

I can understand why she questioned you, you left out "time" in the punchline of your joke.
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Old 24-08-2020, 08:32   #12229
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by S-V SAGA View Post
This is a true story..

The girl at our chinese place was really cute, so one day I asked her what her name was. Heron she said? I asked again, Heron! I asked her to spell it....




H E L E N

Why would her parents give her a name they cannot pronounce??


My mom named me STEE BUN which it turns out is actually Steve. When I tried to (jokingly) correct her, I got put on restriction, which was awarded in two week increments. I learned very quickly what she did not consider funny.
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Old 24-08-2020, 10:22   #12230
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.

Me: But you said I had 3 total.

Genie: So sue me.
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Old 24-08-2020, 10:23   #12231
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How do redneck aliens abduct people?

Tractor beam.
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Old 24-08-2020, 10:24   #12232
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What do you call a potato that gets things done?

A facilitater.
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Old 24-08-2020, 11:30   #12233
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Re: The New Joke Thread

when I was a young kid....the first joke my dad told me was this...
he asked me what was the difference between minced meat and pea soup ?
off course, I didn't know....so he told me, you can mince meat, but you can't pee soup...
I think I was 8 years old....I thought it was the funniest thing ever...
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Old 24-08-2020, 11:33   #12234
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Re: The New Joke Thread

growing up, I never once heard him say the "f**k" word...not once....not ever...the above was about as raunchy a tale he ever told.....you had to be there....
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Old 24-08-2020, 17:02   #12235
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Jim Cate View Post
Ya know, even though I'm a card carrying old fart, that made me LOL.



Jim


Still got enough strength left to lift the card!?
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Old 24-08-2020, 17:17   #12236
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Re: The New Joke Thread

here's 2 for the price of 1...


I stopped off at the bottle shop Tuesday afternoon on my bike, bought a bottle of Bundy OP and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision; I fell off seven times on the way home.



Ever wondered why the KIWIS hav'nt reached the moon yet ..?
Not enough scaffolding Bro.....




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Old 24-08-2020, 21:08   #12237
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted....
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Old 24-08-2020, 21:21   #12238
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by MicHughV View Post
when I was a young kid....the first joke my dad told me was this...
he asked me what was the difference between minced meat and pea soup ?
off course, I didn't know....so he told me, you can mince meat, but you can't pee soup...
I think I was 8 years old....I thought it was the funniest thing ever...


Reminded me of .....
What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
... you can’t make a vita min, but you can make a whore moan.
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Old 24-08-2020, 21:51   #12239
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
My mom named me STEE BUN which it turns out is actually Steve. When I tried to (jokingly) correct her, I got put on restriction, which was awarded in two week increments. I learned very quickly what she did not consider funny.


According to Wikipedia Geddie Lee of Rush fame is actually named Gary but his immigrant mother consistently mispronounced it and the mispronunciation stuck.
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Old 24-08-2020, 21:57   #12240
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Re: The New Joke Thread

James Woods, not only a great actor, but a genius and excellent at pointing out the ironic or hypocritical...

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