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Old 12-08-2020, 00:30   #12106
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Went to a Muslim striptease the other night.
someone shouted “get your face out”
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Old 12-08-2020, 00:34   #12107
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Re: The New Joke Thread

As the tennis season is in full swing...
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Little billy was watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"

His father looks at him horrified and tells him all about sex and why a woman's vagina gets wet. Billy just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.

His dad asks, "So, what you been watching billy?"

Billy replies, "US Open Tennis"
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Old 13-08-2020, 23:52   #12108
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A garbage man is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his trash truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers.

'Harro'

'Alright mate, where's your bin?' asks the bin man

'I bin on the toilet' replies the Japanese.

Realising the Japanese fellow has missunderstood, the binman says

'No mate, where's ya wheely bin?'

'OK, I wheely bin having a w*nk'
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Old 13-08-2020, 23:58   #12109
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"
look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00,

I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Cockney impression:

"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be' Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners".
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Old 13-08-2020, 23:59   #12110
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Essex Girls contd...



The mechanic was just finishing the Essx girl's car service when he said to the apprentice,

"Just pass me the lubricant will you please Tim. "

"Oh dear, " said the watching blonde, "can't I just pay cash? "
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Old 14-08-2020, 00:05   #12111
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "we have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "but we built the Roman Empire"
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "we invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
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Old 14-08-2020, 13:21   #12112
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 14-08-2020, 14:51   #12113
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two kiwis were walking down Oxford Street and come upon a taxidermists....

'I wonder what thut is?' suz first kiwi...
'I'll go in and ask' suz second kiwi..

..
..

'Yes, can I help you?'
'Just wondering what a 'taxidermists' is... haven't seen one before'
'Oh, we stuff animals....'
'Really, do you stuff sheep'
'Yes we have been known to stuff sheep'
'Oh..'

..
..

'So, what are they?' suz first kiwi..
' Farmers, just like us....'
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Old 14-08-2020, 14:54   #12114
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Male Voice: Alexa, can you tell me why I never get a second date?

Female Voice: I'm Siri, you jerk.
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My boat is like me. People look, and say "... pretty good shape ... for its age ..."
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Old 15-08-2020, 00:24   #12115
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 16-08-2020, 09:40   #12116
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Old 16-08-2020, 09:40   #12117
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Old 16-08-2020, 09:41   #12118
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Old 16-08-2020, 09:42   #12119
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Old 16-08-2020, 10:07   #12120
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