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Old 28-07-2020, 15:33   #11941
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladies walking along the shore in his direction. He panicked and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got closer and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said, “You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds.”

“Impossible,” said the embarrassed man. “You really know what I think?”

“Yes,” the lady replied. “Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.”
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Old 28-07-2020, 16:13   #11942
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Re: The New Joke Thread

WARNING

do not let them take your temperature at the supermarket with one of those scanning forehead thermometers. they will erase your memory !

i should know...went to the supermarket for some milk and cereal and came home with beer and chocolate...

cheers,
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Old 28-07-2020, 16:22   #11943
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisr View Post
WARNING

do not let them take your temperature at the supermarket with one of those scanning forehead thermometers. they will erase your memory !

i should know...went to the supermarket for some milk and cereal and came home with beer and chocolate...

cheers,
Oh, god I think I need to delete this, it may cause a scare as I’m sure there are millions that will believe it.
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Old 28-07-2020, 16:35   #11944
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I believe it.
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Old 28-07-2020, 16:36   #11945
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Reminds me of this one...

Shortly after take-off an American Airlines captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain. Welcome aboard flight 123, non-stop from NY to LA, the weather is good so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. Captain out. He didn't realize the mic was still on when he said to the co-pilot, "I could go for a coffee and bj right now" The whole cabin heard this and as a flight attendant rushes towards the cockpit, a wise guy shouts, "Don't forget the coffee!
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Old 28-07-2020, 18:26   #11946
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by S-V SAGA View Post
Reminds me of this one...

Shortly after take-off an American Airlines captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain. Welcome aboard flight 123, non-stop from NY to LA, the weather is good so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. Captain out. He didn't realize the mic was still on when he said to the co-pilot, "I could go for a coffee and bj right now" The whole cabin heard this and as a flight attendant rushes towards the cockpit, a wise guy shouts, "Don't forget the coffee!
Good Will Hunting anybody?
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Old 28-07-2020, 19:30   #11947
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Good one, but technically that is newtonian.

Looks like an application of string theory to me
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Old 28-07-2020, 20:23   #11948
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by chrisr View Post
WARNING

do not let them take your temperature at the supermarket with one of those scanning forehead thermometers. they will erase your memory !

i should know...went to the supermarket for some milk and cereal and came home with beer and chocolate...

cheers,
This happens to me all of the time! I go to the store for vegetables and Weight Watcher shakes and end up with a 40 lb bag of dog food and 3 bottles of Vodka!
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Old 28-07-2020, 22:58   #11949
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Re: The New Joke Thread

ŷ Ŷ ũ Ũ ẽ Ẽ ĩ Ĩ
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Old 29-07-2020, 06:02   #11950
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I used to go into shopping centers and rotate the body parts of the mannequins...

I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.
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Old 29-07-2020, 06:03   #11951
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I think you will agree that this one is party neutral...


Asked my doctor today how long he thinks this COVID thing will last.

He responded with, "how should I know I am a doctor, not a politician."
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Old 29-07-2020, 06:05   #11952
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My Grandkids in the future: Hey Grandpa, what started the Sino-American War of 2020?

Me: Well it's complicated.

My Grandkids: Was it because the US blamed China for the Corona Virus?

Me: No. It wasn't because of that.

My Grandkids: Was is because the US accused China of state sponsored theft of American technology and intellectual property?

Me: No. It wasn't because of that either.

My Grandkids: Was it because of escalating tensions after the US and China started closing each others Consulates and Embassies?

Me: No. That's not it either.

My Grandkids: Well then what started the war?

Me: Well you see kids, we started getting these packets of seeds in the mail...
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Old 29-07-2020, 06:43   #11953
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by chrisr View Post
WARNING

do not let them take your temperature at the supermarket with one of those scanning forehead thermometers. they will erase your memory !

i should know...went to the supermarket for some milk and cereal and came home with beer and chocolate...

cheers,
Quote:
Originally Posted by a64pilot View Post
Oh, god I think I need to delete this, it may cause a scare as I’m sure there are millions that will believe it.
Oh, that warning is so going onto my Facebook page to be shared with my Friends; you would be amazed how many of them actually fall for crazy stuff like that. Hardly a day doesn't go by that I don't have to post a comment providing the details that reveal that a post of their is bogus / faux / conspiracy theory news.
This will be my chance to stir their gullibility.
The scary part is that, they are actually registered to vote, and have drivers licenses, God help us.
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Old 29-07-2020, 07:12   #11954
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Well shuckity darn and pluck them chickens! guess that makes me a teeny-bopper..........................

Does that mean that when I look at all the young babes now - I'm not a dirty old man?
It depends on how you "feel". Today I feel like a 9 year old girl who is identifying as a boy who is a stripper in a gay club. As long as you refer to me as "they" instead of "he" or "she" I will not be triggered. Oh, and $20 bills in my shorts will not offend me but don't try quarters.....
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Old 29-07-2020, 08:33   #11955
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by darylat8750 View Post
It depends on how you "feel". Today I feel like a 9 year old girl who is identifying as a boy who is a stripper in a gay club. As long as you refer to me as "they" instead of "he" or "she" I will not be triggered. Oh, and $20 bills in my shorts will not offend me but don't try quarters.....
I know this is a joke thread - but I'm so old that when I went to school "gay" was defined as a person who was happy, sociable and enjoyed life (and parities). as in: She was a gay divorcee or she was a gay debutante. Rarely used to describe a man though.

When used to describe a man, it was something like: He was a gay socialite, cutting a swathe through the upper crust of society, had and dropped girlfriends by the score.

Just goes to show may age.
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