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Old 14-07-2020, 13:40   #11731
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Re: The New Joke Thread

ah yes, lawsuits.....I've read where numerous class action lawsuits were implemented against various and sundry catholic schools run by various religious "orders".....all around the world as a matter of fact, for crimes that ran all across the board. I was not part of any such class action suit, but could easily have been, as I could write a book on some of the horror stories I witnessed or experienced. Most of these religious orders have been literally sued out of existence.
The year, after I left my High School, the religious order that ran the place was disbanded, never to be seen again.

I chose instead, wisely, to get the hell outa dere, which in a weird kind of way, resulted in me adopting the sailing life as a way of nurturing my senses back to some resemblance of order.

I say "some" as I've come to learn that the sailing fraternity has its fair share of the weird, the wild and the wacky..but it all seems a rather good fit for my personality as I feel I'm amongst my own kind of people.

And now back to the jokes......
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Old 14-07-2020, 14:28   #11732
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Re: The New Joke Thread

in the navy, they think 2,
but really mean 4,
while implying 6..
then they shout out 8, expecting to get 10..

put another way...

when the navy tells the guv'mint that they need to 2 billion to run their organization, they really want 10, but say 2 to put the guv'mint in a happy place, but invariable walk away with 10 billion, which is what they wanted in the first place.

clear ???
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Old 14-07-2020, 15:08   #11733
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One of my old shipmates sent this to me...

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Old 14-07-2020, 15:12   #11734
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Another one...

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Old 14-07-2020, 15:16   #11735
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Am I getting to that age?

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today?" I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.����
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for our company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write: "An ambulance."
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
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Old 14-07-2020, 15:53   #11736
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by smbdyiam2 View Post
How many days does it take to do a simple 10 minute job?
including repairing collateral damage or is that to be on a separate job card ?



cheers,
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"home is where the anchor drops"...parked on mooring at Yamba for a few weeks while we visit family in Newcastle & Sydney... maintaining social distancing !
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Old 14-07-2020, 17:06   #11737
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Re: The New Joke Thread

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds...

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

Usually, grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bedtime, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
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Old 15-07-2020, 00:28   #11738
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If you're a sailor (aren't we all on here?) then it's important to sleep on your back, because if you don't then someone else will...
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Old 15-07-2020, 00:31   #11739
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two hippies walking down the road, shooting the breeze. One stumbles and falls into an unmarked hole where the water pipe has been exposed by the utility company. He shouts to his pal 'Hey man, I'm hurt. Call me an ambulance'.


His pal applauds 'That's cool man, ok so you're an ambulance'...
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Old 15-07-2020, 07:34   #11740
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Re: The New Joke Thread

a man picks up a hippie that is hitchhiking.....
the man is in a hurry, when they come to an intersection...he tells the hippie "I don't have the time to stop here, tell me if you see anything coming from your side"
Hippie tells him " all I see a big dog"
The man blasts on thru' and wakes up in the hospital with the hippie lying next to him...
"hey" he says to the hippie "I thought you said you didn't see anything 'cept for a big dog"
"yeah" the hippie replies " greyhound bus, man, greyhound bus"..
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Old 15-07-2020, 08:35   #11741
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This explains a lot.
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Old 15-07-2020, 09:23   #11742
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of grandparents...

My mom was a Japanese waitress at the Officer's Club in Yokosuka during the mid 50's when she met and started dating my father, whom she rejected the first 6 times. When her family (8 siblings, but mostly her parents) found out, she was cut from the family and was dead to them. After a few yrs, they got married and a couple yrs later, I was born.

Nothing melts the frozen heart of a Japanese grandmother faster than the birth of her first born grandson, even if he is Hafu. Grandfather followed her lead and peace was restored. Fast fwd to 1969, my dad had died, my mom had remarried and my little half sister, whom I referred to as "The Spawn of Satan" was born. Of course Grandma and Grandpa wanted to see her, so we went to visit when she could crawl.

Grandma and Grandpa lived in a small traditional Japanese house with Tatami mats and wood framed walls covered in thin paper. Since there were so many aunts and uncles (8) and they were all married, plus kids, they came to visit in small groups and it took most of the day. Afterwards, Mom and Grandma retired to the kitchen to drink green tea and catch up on 9 yrs, I took a nap and Spawn of Satan did as well. For a little while.

The next thing I know, my mom has my sister bundled up and she's shaking me awake. "GET UP! Hayaku!! Go put your shoes on and run for the car!" So I run out to the car with my mom right behind me! I ask her where we're going, she replies, "It doesn't matter! Anywhere you want, we just can't be here for the next few hours!"

After we're in the car, I'm dying of curiosity and ask Mom, "What's going on? Why are we going for a ride?" She said, "While you were napping, we thought your sister was napping too, but she was methodically peeling off the paper from the bottom two feet of Grandma's walls and making little spitballs. Now her living room floor is covered in spitballs and you can see from one room to the other. Grandma's extremely angry right now and we need to be anywhere else for a few hours!"

I tried to explain that the toddler was truly the Spawn of Satan, but she really didn't believe me for another 9 yrs or so. When we got back a few hours later, Grandma was still pretty hot under the collar, but Grandpa thought it was the funniest thing he'd seen in a long time!
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Old 15-07-2020, 10:41   #11743
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Re: The New Joke Thread

when I was a youngster, my dad's younger brother, my uncle, came to visit and I was tasked with making the 5 'o clock sundowner for them. They always knew when 5 'o clock was , as the evening flight to London, would pass over our house at 5 pm.

My dad would always enquire " well, has the Boeing flown over yet ?"

If I replied "yes", the next request was usually to pour some scotch on the rocks...my uncle would always say "just pour me two fingers, more or less, but a little more more and a little less less"...

to this day, I typically always wait " until the Boeing has flown over" before fixing the first drink of the day, always making sure I have a little more more and a little less less
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Old 15-07-2020, 10:53   #11744
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of Mom and Spawn of Satan...

Mom always claimed she had eyes in the back of her head, RADAR in her forehead, she controlled all of the satellites and the CIA came to her for the latest Intel on global events. Although I knew better, she proved she had Top Secret neighborhood Intel on a daily basis, so it was very plausible.

As I went through school, she was on me like white on rice. "98% on this test is abject failure! 100% - I'll let you live to take another test!" I lived in constant fear and performance anxiety. Before I started high school, she was picking out Ivy League universities for me to attend.

Meanwhile, my half sister, the Spawn of Satan, was casually getting used to a life of designer clothing, copying all of her school work off of her girlfriends and skating through life as a "C" student and what passes as a fashionista at the local high school.

One day I stopped by for breakfast when she was a senior in high school and caught my Mom pouring Vodka into my sister's OJ and packing it into her Scooby Doo lunch box. She was ironic before it was a "thing", I'm convinced the movie "Valley Girl" (1983) was written about her.

When I expressed my surprise, Mom said, "You were easy to scare. She honestly doesn't care. If I don't give her Vodka for lunch, she'll leave campus and spend the rest of the day drinking and wandering the mall with her posse of wannabe super models. This way we have an agreement. She gets to feel like she's a bad girl and I'm assured she attends all classes." I was still in shock that she would cave in like that. After all, death threats worked pretty well on me...

A few months later, Spawn was getting close to graduating and still had no plans, other than shopping and inheriting Mom's diamond encrusted Rolex and extensive collection of designer handbags and wallets.

Mom said, "You need to get a boob job and marry a rich businessman and then devote your life to making him happy. Don't get fat or lazy or he'll dump you for a trophy wife. Unless you have a better plan..."

"WHAT???" She shrieked!

"Let's face it. He got the brains, you got the looks, except for being as flat as a surfboard. You can't get into any good universities because you've been copying from other people all of your life, so a good paying job is out. Instead of dating men and hoping for expensive gifts, which is basically hooking, you need to get a boob job, marry a rich guy and make sure he never divorces you."

Spawn said, "I could go to the junior college, transfer to state and get a BA in something."

Mom said, "Get a BA in what? How are you going to pay for it? How are you going to get decent grades after 12 yrs of a C average?"

Spawn was so angry, she struck a deal. If she maintained a C avg., she got free room and board but had to pay for everything else with a job. If she maintained a B avg, she could live at home for free plus mom would pay for tuition. If she maintained an A avg. Mom would pay for everything except makeup and designer clothes. She'd pay all college related costs, plus expenses for both cars and both dogs.

She went to the local JC and took the same classes as her posse and continued to copy their work. They were going to be teachers, so she did the same.

First semester progresses and she's failing, so she drops out and gets incompletes. Mom is rubbing it in her face and asking her if she's picked out a boob doctor yet. She comes to me in desperation and asks me to finally teach her good study habits. I teach her what I know and her grades skyrocket. She's getting straight A's and mom's paying for everything. Five yrs later, she's graduated Summa Cum Laude and she has her teaching credential.

I attend her graduation ceremony with all of her girlfriends and Mom, when Mom takes all of the credit. Spawn is incensed and demands to know how she figures it that way?

"Listen here old lady! *I* got the grades! *I* did the work! *I* put my nose to the grindstone for 5 yrs, skipped the parties and graduated! YOU didn't do any of that!"

Mom smiles at her and says, "Five yrs ago you were a flat chested girl with no plans, no dreams, no money or boyfriend who never did her own work. You weren't planning on going to college until I pissed you off and lit a fire under your arse so hot you couldn't wait for this day to come to graduate and rub it in my face. *I* lit that fire, *I* paid every penny for the last 5 yrs. Now we stand here and both of my children have graduated Summa Cum Laude and I'd say that's pretty good for a little old lady who only went to 9th grade. You can be angry if you want, but you've accomplished exactly what I wanted. My life's work is done, I WON!"



I gotta admit, she was *the* best manipulator I've ever met. I'm still convinced she ran the CIA. Ever since she died, they've been acting like they're deaf, dumb and blind.
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Old 15-07-2020, 11:10   #11745
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Chapter Two...


A few yrs later, after helping Spawn get her first and second teaching jobs, she decided to get married to a great guy, I really love him. My wife and I were doing well, so we offered to take care of up to 1 week of the honeymoon. I had seen some great pics of St Maarten so I suggested they go there, all expenses paid.

She said, "No, I don't want to go any place in Mexico." I explained to her it was an island in the Caribbean controlled by the Netherlands, but that didn't seem to impress her. Then she suggested Cancun. Exasperated, I explained to her that Cancun IS in Mexico. She didn't seem to care, so we booked a week in Cancun for their honeymoon.

I'm not sure what they teach at those state universities, but apparently it's not geography.
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