The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Fun with accents...

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada; both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer when all of a sudden a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire.

The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"

"That was a moose," the Canadian replied.

"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see yer rats!"

[NoTies]

Why spelling and grammar are important

[socaldmax]

I'm thinking Omar has it right.

[Therapy]

Daddy's Car in the Woods?
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's' car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car a and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mom, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ... At this point Mommy cut him off and said, ' Johnny , this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw my Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
.
.
.
.
.
.

. then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!


Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

[Therapy]

I met a homeless man today.



This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man, I asked
him how he'd ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week I still had it all. A cook who cooked my
meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof
over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym regularly, the pool,
the library, I could still go to school.

"I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh heck no, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison.

[chris mac]

Little Johnny was walking in the park with his dad when they saw 2 dogs going at it. Little Johnny asked " what are they doing daddy?"
Dad stammered a little and replied "they are making puppies"
About a week later little Johnny had a nightmare and ran into his parents bedroom, he stopped upon seeing them having sex. " what are you doing daddy" asked Johnny
As he pulled the blankets over them his dad replied "we are making a baby"
Little Johnny thought about this for a few seconds then excitedly said " mommy, mommy, roll over, I would rather have a puppy!

[Therapy]

LARRY. A new classmate.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

[Therapy]

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

[Therapy]

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

[Therapy]

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

[Therapy]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

[svmariane]

"Ode to the Credit Card Captains"

I honestly didn't know whether this should go in the Joke Thread, Nautical Oddities, Sailor's Confessional, or what! How not to enter the anchorage?

Headsets a plus... "An der schönen blauen Donau", with captioned & audio commentary describing most of the action. Video just over 6 mins long.

Captain "CRASH"... 6 Boats Crashed in under 45 Minutes...
A NEW RECORD by a CREDIT CARD CAPTAIN!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxg30c6z00E

[uncle stinkybob]

A white guy, a black guy and an asian guy walk into a bar...bartender turns to see them......and ask's...... What is this? A Joke?

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by svmariane

"Ode to the Credit Card Captains"

I honestly didn't know whether this should go in the Joke Thread, Nautical Oddities, Sailor's Confessional, or what! How not to enter the anchorage?

Headsets a plus... "An der schönen blauen Donau", with captioned & audio commentary describing most of the action. Video just over 6 mins long.

Captain "CRASH"... 6 Boats Crashed in under 45 Minutes...
A NEW RECORD by a CREDIT CARD CAPTAIN!!!

This one is so good it has a thread of it's own here.

[SV Finster]

Q: What did they call non-gmo, hormone free, pesticide free, organic food 200 years ago?

A: They called it food.

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