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Old 08-07-2020, 13:50   #11671
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love it where the protagonist has a twisted back story.
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Old 08-07-2020, 13:53   #11672
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man sits at his doctor's office after getting a check up and getting bad news.

The doctor says, "I'm so sorry but you will die very soon."

The patient says, "Oh no! How long do i have?"

The doctor looks at his watch and says, "Very soon, I would guess in 3 to 6 minutes"

The poor patient says, "Oh God! Is there nothing you can do for me?"

Doctor pondering the question, "Well..., I could boil you an egg..."
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Old 08-07-2020, 16:32   #11673
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Why wait until 5pm to get your test results?

I do that every morning before breakfast.
A friend of my wife was visiting once (I dont claim him)...

Im usually up early. I was sitting in the living room reading at 0500. I hear him get up and go into the kitchen...then the sound of clinking glasses, a bottle being uncorked, pouring...then a beer being popped...this guy was doing shots w beer chasers at 5AM!!!

Do people like that not get it that they have a problem!?

(Im assuming you were joking)
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Old 08-07-2020, 16:41   #11674
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
A man sits at his doctor's office after getting a check up and getting bad news.



The doctor says, "I'm so sorry but you will die very soon."



The patient says, "Oh no! How long do i have?"



The doctor looks at his watch and says, "Very soon, I would guess in 3 to 6 minutes"



The poor patient says, "Oh God! Is there nothing you can do for me?"



Doctor pondering the question, "Well..., I could boil you an egg..."
Reminds me of an inside joke...

We live in sight of a long inactive volcano (Volcan Barú, Pamama). My wife asked me one day what would happen to us if it ever erupted again. The last eruption, ~500 years ago, oblitherated many square miles around it in pyroplastic flow (not lava)...this is super heated gasses (like 500C!), and volcanic debri, moving VERY fast. I responded we would be vaporized in minutes. She asked "what would we do for those last few minutes". Me "We could have sex...twice!!"
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Old 08-07-2020, 17:05   #11675
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Re: The New Joke Thread

WIFE TO FRIEND: "My husband saw a cockroach in the kitchen yesterday. He immediately scrubbed down the floor, cabinets, and counters."
FRIEND TO WIFE: "What did you do."
WIFE: "I moved the cockroach to the bathroom!"
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Old 09-07-2020, 07:20   #11676
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An oldie but goodie
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Old 09-07-2020, 12:04   #11677
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 09-07-2020, 12:06   #11678
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Old 09-07-2020, 12:06   #11679
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Old 09-07-2020, 12:07   #11680
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Old 09-07-2020, 12:07   #11681
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Old 09-07-2020, 12:08   #11682
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Old 09-07-2020, 18:55   #11683
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Old 09-07-2020, 22:01   #11684
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
Every time I have a beer, my wife nags me, telling me I drink too much.

I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine or ten times a day?

It's impossible to drink too much. At some point, you fall over and go to sleep. Then, you wake up and start over.
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Old 09-07-2020, 22:09   #11685
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A priest took one of his less attentive parishioners out on the golf course for a round.
At the first tee, the priest hit off first and took a line shot right up the middle of the fairway.
The parishioner belted his ball and hooked it off into the trees. "Ahhh, bugger it, I missed!"
The priest admonished him for swearing.
At the second tee, the priest hit off again, straight down the fairway.
The parishioner sliced it into the rough. "Ahhh, bugger it, I missed again!" he said.
Again, the preist admonished him for swearing.
This continues for the entire round until, on the 18th hole, after the parishioner swears again, dark clouds begin to rumble and form overhead and .. suddenly .. from the middle of the cloud ... a lightning bolt flashes out and strikes the priest dead.
A deep, rumbling is heard, then a booming voice calls out: "Oh, bugger it, I missed!"
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