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Old 19-06-2020, 13:21   #11326
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So the lady school marm is asking her 4th grade class to describe something " nice"

Little Annie sticks her hand and says " my cat"....the school marm is pleased...
Little Mike sticks his hand up and says " my dog"....and the school marm is pleased.

This goes around and around until she comes to little Johnnie sitting in the very back.

"Well Johnnie, tell us something nice"

Johnnie says " well, ok, my pregnant 15 year old sister....

The school marm is shocked and asks little Johnnie how this could be construed to be nice...

Johnny explains " well, my sister came home last night and told my dad she was pregnant, and my dad said.....well, that's nice, really f--king nice!"...
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Old 19-06-2020, 14:12   #11327
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I told this to a female blonde friend, she asked for an explanation.
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Old 19-06-2020, 14:28   #11328
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Somebody's parents hold a grudge...

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Old 19-06-2020, 14:38   #11329
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Old 19-06-2020, 14:39   #11330
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Old 19-06-2020, 14:40   #11331
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 19-06-2020, 18:00   #11332
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Old 19-06-2020, 18:03   #11333
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Re: The New Joke Thread

That reminds me...

my senior yr of high school, they had the same spelling error in the student manual and it read, "all applicants for positions on the cheerleading team will demonstrate their skills in a pubic area on campus."

They tried to collect all of the student manuals back up to reprint them, but nobody was willing to admit they had one, and we laughed about that all yr!
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Old 19-06-2020, 18:05   #11334
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Old 19-06-2020, 18:07   #11335
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Old 19-06-2020, 18:30   #11336
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Old 19-06-2020, 20:34   #11337
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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That is one big lobster!



Oooo like cracker jacks a surprise inside every box
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Old 19-06-2020, 21:39   #11338
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This reminds me of another true story...

In 1977, I was a junior in high school and there was a blonde senior goddess named Lisa who glided through campus, far above my reach. Her sister was also beautiful, dark haired Italian and graduated in 1978 with me and went into the Air Force. After the summer, my classmate came back for all of the holidays and I hooked up with her at Thanksgiving, during which we spent 2 or 3 days trying to bash each others brains out, as teenagers sometimes do.

Around Easter I got invited to her wedding. Just before the wedding, about 5 of us were standing on the sidewalk comparing notes, wondering who the groom was. The first guy said they had hooked up when she came home for Halloween. I told them I hooked up with her at Thanksgiving, her HS boyfriend hooked up with her at Christmas, another classmate hooked up with her at a New Years party and she hooked up with another guy in mid Jan. We were all wondering who the groom was when he finally introduced himself - he had been standing there the whole time, listening to us compare notes! He said he'd been engaged to her since late last summer, but he was still willing to marry her.

Their marriage didn't last very long.

Twenty years later, we were having a 20 yr reunion and Diana showed up and brought her older sister with her, Lisa. Lisa was mesmerizing, everywhere she went, there was a small crowd of guys joking and flirting with her. I talked to her a bit and she said she was married, but she left her husband at home. I was turning on the charm and she invited me to her Halloween party. That was followed by a couple of dinner parties, then she gave a strong hint that we should go on a date. I asked about her husband and she said as long as she had his dinner on the table between 5 - 6, she could do as she pleased, including spend the night anywhere.

I suggested a restaurant, she suggested dinner at my place. I pulled out the tequila, she wanted body shots. Shortly after, she was undoing her bra and asking me, "Are you sure you want some of this?" One thing led to another and I discovered she had no inhibitions and a very, very wicked imagination. Over the next couple of yrs, she got divorced, she moved in with me and we got engaged. She was the perfect woman - no parents, no kids, extremely athletic, scuba certified, a nurse and ski instructor, loved to hike in the woods for a week or more and we took vacations all over the place.

Everywhere she went, people assumed she was enhanced with surgery, but she was all natural. I told her she lived in a "bubble of beauty." People rushed to open doors for her, bartenders gave her free drinks, we often got upgraded from a hotel room to a suite for free, guys would sometimes hit on her when I left the dinner table, etc. She didn't know any better, she thought the whole world was treated that way, it had always been that way for her.

About a week before the wedding, I suddenly remembered that I'd slept with her sister. I wanted to make sure we weren't going to have any problems over it, so I told her one night before we went to bed. I was pretty worried, I didn't want her to get angry or cold feet. As I tried to stumble my way through the confession, she started laughing!

She said, "I've known all along! I wouldn't get angry over that!" I was relieved! Then she said, "Why do you think I showed up at your reunion instead of mine? She called and told me about your weekend 20 yrs ago. Why did I invite you to my Halloween party? Suggest dinner at your place? Attack you on that first date? Did you think you were pursuing ME the whole time? YOU were the fish, and I lured you in and hooked you!"

I was floored! I really thought I was charming and irresistible! Her sister was her maid of honor at the wedding and they both had a good chuckle at my expense at the reception.
Here's a pic of her at 42, defying gravity with no help...
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Old 19-06-2020, 22:07   #11339
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Wait this is the joke thread?
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Old 19-06-2020, 22:22   #11340
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Re: The New Joke Thread

We could continue the scintillating conversation about cricket, if you like...

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