The New Joke Thread

[Finistere]

Originally Posted by unclemack

Write your own material like everyone else, dude

Not that smart.


Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[svmariane]

So some friends were sitting around the pub having a few beers. Next round came about and was delivered by the new waitress, who, truth be told, is a mighty fine looking lass. Now guys being guys there arose a bit of speculation. George, well, he said that he helped her just the other night. Got our attention, that.

George, he relates how she said that she was scared to walk home alone and would he be so kind? So he done that.

Then she said she was afraid of the dark, so would he go in first and turn on the lights? So he done that.

Then she said that she'd hurt her hand, and would he help he get undressed? So he done that.

Then she sat down next to him on the settee, naked as a baby dolphin, reaches across him and turns out the light!

Naturally we asked "What happened next, George"?

And George, he says, well he can take a hint so he comes back home.

[ontherocks83]

If your wife is yelling at the front door and your dog is barking at the back, who do you let in first? ...................The dog he'll shut up once you let him in.

[D&D]

[socaldmax]

Yup, looks like it to me...

[socaldmax]

A conversation you don't want to have with your kids...

[LakeSuperior]

Johnny, a senior in high school and the schools best athlete, was highly recruited and had multiple offers to play football at a number of big name universities.

The problem was that Johnny was a remarkably poor student and was failing classes after football season ended.

The principle finally took Johnny aside and told him he would not be able to graduate.

Once this word got out enormous pressure was brought to bear on the principle by the various universities, sports fans, and community citizens.
There needed to be found a way for Johnny to graduate.

The principle finally caved under the pressure and set up a deal with Johnny. If he could answer a single question during the school assembly he would graduate.

When the time came a hush descended over the assembly. Up on the stage Johnny was brought forward. The principle asked Johnny the question, “What is 3 times 7.”

Johnny, with the deer in the headlights look, thought for several moments and then answered, “21.”

The principle was so stunned that he paused speechless. During the momentary pause a low chant came from the student body gradually filling the gymnasium gaining strength and conviction, “Give him a second chance! Give him a second chance!”

[svmariane]

Why not replace all female flight attendants with good looking strippers?

What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the airlines' alcohol revenues. And Muslim terrorists would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenue.

Why the hell didn't Bush or even Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[svmariane]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My goodness, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She says, "No, I'm your sons math teacher."

[svmariane]

As they waited in the train station for the train to take them to the latest computer seminar, the engineers from Apple noticed that the engineers from Microsoft were waiting for the same train.

The engineers from Microsoft got in line and one by one bought their tickets for the train ride to the town where the seminar was being held. After they bought their tickets they sat and waited for the train to arrive.

One of the engineers from Apple walked up to the ticket window and bought one ticket.

When the train arrived, the engineers all piled into one car and the Microsoft engineers sat together on one side of the car. The engineers from Apple all went into the rest room and closed the door. After the train started rolling, the conductor came through and collected the tickets from the Microsoft engineers then knocked on the door to the restroom. “Ticket please”

One hand reached out through the crack in the door and handed the conductor a ticket.

At the seminar all went well for the computer engineers. When it was time to leave it turned out that the engineers from both companies were in the waiting room again. This time, one engineer from Microsoft went to the ticket counter and bought just one ticket. The Apple engineers did nothing.

The train pulled into the station and the engineers all climbed aboard and went into the same car together. All of the engineers from Microsoft went into the restroom and closed the door. The engineers from Apple then got up and went to the other restroom at the other end of the car except for one man who walked up to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers were hiding.

He knocked on the restroom door and said “Ticket please!”

[svmariane]

APARTMENT FOR RENT

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!!!!!!!!!!

[unclemack]

I'm with socaldmax.

Stoopid burds.

[svmariane]

In a small town a Patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot he noticed two little old ladies, so he stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away?"

"We don't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed.......so we're waiting."

[svmariane]

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

[unclemack]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Deja Poo: Not this **** again?