My mom always said she was Mother Nature, inspired by the TV commercial
. She'd say, "You don't mess with Mother Nature."
She always seemed to know everything about everything. She would always catch me with the milk carton, before drinking out of it, yelling, "GET A GLASS!" from the other end of the house!
I asked her how she knew about something stupid I did at the other end of town. She said, "I have spies everywhere. I have eyes in the back of my head
. I have RADAR
in my forehead. I own all of the satellites, the CIA comes to me for info! I control the weather! I'm the reason you even live! Every stupid idea that pops into your head
- I successfully did it 25 yrs ago! Give up while you're behind, because I'm never wrong! Some day you'll realize I was always right!"
After I left home, I'd stop by once in awhile to see her for lunch. She'd say, "My, you're getting fat! Let me make you a sandwich!" Then she'd make a huge 6" tall sandwich with 4 different smoked meats, 5 different cheeses, pickles, onions, tomatoes, romaine lettuce, deli mustard on toasted sourdough bread!
I was about 21 when I stopped by and while eating my sandwich, I admitted that she had always been right, every single
time. She always wisely chose her battles and won the wars.
She grabbed her chest and in her best Fred Sanford impersonation, yelled, "This is the big one! I'm dying! I'm coming to join you Elizabeth!"
When I was married and in the Navy
, the sub got transferred from San Diego
to Vallejo to get decommissioned. The Chief of the Boat
asked me to drive up and reserve barracks rooms for the 100 enlisted guys. The barracks officer told me they wouldn't assign barracks rooms until the boat
arrived in a couple of days. In the meantime, another boat arrived and took all of the rooms. The COB decided we would take our mattresses and put them on the work
During a phone
call to mom, I happened to mention the berthing situation and she said, "They can't do that. They have to put you on a berthing barge, in the barracks, or if they cannot provide adequate housing, then you can go out in town and rent any hotel
room you want, like a suite at The Sir Francis Drake Hotel
and they have to pay for it."
I went and told the COB and he turned to the yeomen and asked, "Is that true?" They looked it up and verified it was true. He wasn't about to let me book a suite, so he rented out the entire Motel 8 just off base for the crew.
I called mom a couple days later to tell her she was right. "I don't need you to tell me I'm right. I'm always right, it just takes the rest of you a while to realize it!"
Then she asks me, "Are you collecting your FSA (Family Separation Allowance) yet?" I told her the yeomen said we weren't eligible because we were still in the same state.
She said, "They're wrong. Any time you're stationed more than 500 mi from where your family
was left, you get FSA. Vallejo is just over 500 mi. You're supposed to get FSA."
I went back and told the COB the next day. He turned to the yeomen again and asked, "Is that true?" They looked it up and she was right. He said, "Why do I have you guys for? Why don't I just hire his mom to take over for you? So far, she's been right both times and you guys have been wrong!"
About 15 yrs later, I was working at a defense contractor. They offered a $500 bonus for any employee who brought in a new guy and he could make it through the 6 month probation period. We had everyone from laborers, to wiring
harness people, assemblers, Eng. Techs 3, 5, 6; Engineers 1-4, Senior Engineers, etc.
This coworker Barry drove about 120 mi/day round trip. He brought a neighbor who lived in his condo complex and got him a job as a laborer. The kid was ok, he paid attention and was willing to learn. I taught him a few tricks to make the labor jobs easier and by the 6 month point, he was building wiring
harnesses and doing pretty good. All this time, he was riding to and from work
with Barry. At least 6 or 7 times I heard the kid offer to split the gas money and Barry always refused.
Around the 7 month mark, after Barry collected his $500 bonus the kid started missing work. I asked Barry and he said the kid wasn't awake, he was hung over when he was ready to leave so he left him behind. That didn't make sense to me since the kid was Muslim and I knew he did't drink. I talked to him and he said Barry suddenly turned on him and was leaving early, not even knocking on his door as before. I talked to the supervisor, but his answer was, if the kid can't get to work somehow, he's of no use, so they fired him.
Then Barry started talking sh1t and claiming the kid never offered to pay for gas. I was pretty disgusted with him for lying. I stopped by mom's house to say "Hi." I mentioned all this stuff at work and she said, "How far does this liar drive to work?" "About 120 mi a day." "How much do those Fastpass things cost?" "About $50/month." "Then liar owes the kid $300 for allowing him to drive in the HOV lane and saving him a lot of time and $50/mo. The gas cost for an extra person is negligible."
A couple days later Barry was talking trash about the kid again, claiming he never got any gas money. I said, "That's a lie, and you know it. All of us know it, we all witnessed the kid offer you gas money 6 or 7 times and you refused every time! Furthermore, you did this just to collect the $500 bonus and drive in the HOV lane for free. You owe the kid $300 for saving you Fastpass fees!" He was stunned. He never expected pushback! A couple of other guys chimed in that he owed the kid $300 and he never mentioned him again.
As usual, Mother Nature was right! LOL