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Old 24-05-2020, 05:39   #10531
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An overweight time traveler goes to ancient Rome and he is wearing historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him.

He goes to the counter and asks the clerk, "Do you have XL togas?"

Clerk, "Well, yes. But why do you need so many?"
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Old 24-05-2020, 05:39   #10532
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why do Irishmen never move from Canada back to Ireland?

Because they saw the advertisement, "Drink Canada Dry," and they've been trying ever since.
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Old 24-05-2020, 05:45   #10533
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 24-05-2020, 05:50   #10534
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Gramps Luis, please tell us your secret

- Well, I ****ed my sister in law for over 20 years!

No Gramps! Tell us your secret about longevity!

- Oh! OK - practice cycling *♀️ as a long life exercise

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Old 24-05-2020, 05:55   #10535
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
They want us to get vaccinated so they can inject us with microchips and track us anywhere.

- Sent from my iPhone -



Haven't you heard, it's not "they", it's Bill Gates
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Old 24-05-2020, 06:12   #10536
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carlosproa View Post
- Well, I ****ed my sister in law for over 20 years!
Attachment 215688
According to various online translators:

Well, one time I was drunk and I f****ed my mother/midwife/weasel
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Old 24-05-2020, 07:21   #10537
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carlosproa View Post
Gramps Luis, please tell us your secret

- Well, I ****ed my sister in law for over 20 years!

No Gramps! Tell us your secret about longevity!

- Oh! OK - practice cycling *♀️ as a long life exercise

Attachment 215688


Nowhere it says “for over 20 years” )
“Once I was drunk and I f***** my sister in law”
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Old 24-05-2020, 07:59   #10538
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 24-05-2020, 08:12   #10539
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why would Bill Gates bother with microchip implant schemes, or whatever? I'd bet my next paycheck that there isn't a single person who goes online that doesn't connect to or through or otherwise utilize Microsoft software at some point or another in the overall scheme of things, regardless if their own device is made by Apple (or whatever) running "other" software.

"Mr. Gates" et al already has access to have access. Maybe high level encryption might help. Maybe. I guess that's the joke.
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Old 24-05-2020, 08:14   #10540
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tried to change my bank password. Got this response:

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin.
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Old 24-05-2020, 08:21   #10541
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Re: The New Joke Thread

this is a test
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Old 24-05-2020, 08:30   #10542
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post

And from the look at it, has a pencil sized . . . . .
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Old 24-05-2020, 08:33   #10543
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post

Lots more blank posts . . . I'm beginning to think it's me!
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Old 24-05-2020, 09:59   #10544
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Because of my wife isnt well and with this covid-19 thingy keeping us in lockdown mode I've taken over all galley duties.

- I always take my wife morning coffee in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

- I spend about 7% of meal preparation time walking back to the trash bin to check the box for how long to microwave the dinner.

- My cooking is so bad that we pray AFTER the meal.

- I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

- I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

- I went down the local supermarket. I said: "I want to make a complaint - this vinegar’s got lumps in it." He said: "Those are pickled onions."

- There's this takeaway eatery near our apartment that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

- I bought some new eyeglasses. My observational comedy improved.

(G'wan.... laugh. It's healthy.)


Remember: “Without geometry, life is pointless.”
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Old 24-05-2020, 14:01   #10545
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueH2Obound View Post
And from the look at it, has a pencil sized . . . . .
Be kind,
the IM cannot wear clothes and stay invisible and it looks quite nippy
Also, top right is in the early throes of gag reflex
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