The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

#Meanwhile In Cyberspace....

[svmariane]

#Meanwhile In Cyberspace.... version 02

[Lohi]

Been following a certain thread and for some reason this song keeps popping in my head..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OyBSrBqogPY

[ontherocks83]

........

[socaldmax]

Ain't this the truth!

[D&D]

Signs?

[svmariane]

International sign for marriage.

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Internation sign for marriage.

Whoa! I would have guessed something completely different and inappropriate

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by ontherocks83

Whoa! I would have guessed something completely different and inappropriate

Git yur mind out'a the gutter, mate!

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Git yur mind out'a the gutter, mate!

Why? It's kinda fun down here!


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[socaldmax]

101 things NOT to say during sex




1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by
the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your
friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains,
okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I
learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I
just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it be-
longs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to
inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed
with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is
overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck
home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means
something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you
tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no
time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone
I really like...
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with
names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few
phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Dober-
man.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date

[svmariane]

Yet again stretching the limits of the PC culture, here:

[D&D]

> The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
> >
> >
> >
> > My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"
> >
> >
> >
> > I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The speed with which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the **** storm that's coming.
> >
> >
> >
> > Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
> >
> >
> >
> > On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.
> >
> >
> >
> > I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
> >
> >
> >
> > I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
> >
> >
> >
> > What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow
> > that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life."

[jongleur]

JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

OMG! It's true!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by jongleur

JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

OMG! It's true!

I just noticed your signature. Yes, ribeye makes me happy! Just bought a 4 lb ribeye roast last night. I bet my cholesterol is in the 4 digit region! LOL