The New Joke Thread

[Tayana42]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Peeps, those last two 'jokes' are a bit tasteless and bordering on vile.

No more in this vein thanks, or they'll be Deleted and the Poster Reported.

That sort of humour might be acceptable over at Sailing Anarchy, it ain't acceptable here.

Keep It Clean, Polite and Well-Mannered.

As Granny used to say: If you've got nothing pleasant to say, don't bother.

Thank you Buzzman.


S/V B'Shert

[justlearnin]

I'm convinced that some women dont fart but instead hold it in and it comes out as drama.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Peeps, those last two 'jokes' are a bit tasteless and bordering on vile.

No more in this vein thanks, or they'll be Deleted and the Poster Reported.

That sort of humour might be acceptable over at Sailing Anarchy, it ain't acceptable here.

Keep It Clean, Polite and Well-Mannered.

As Granny used to say: If you've got nothing pleasant to say, don't bother.

Is that from management, or your personal taste in humor?

[socaldmax]

More current events...

[goat]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Is that from management, or your personal taste in humor?

I deleted my post thinking buzzman was a moderator. Now it looks like Seaworthy Lass's post was offensive.

Anyway, Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

Sent from my SGH-I257M using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[Saleen411]

Originally Posted by goat

I deleted my post thinking buzzman was a moderator. Now it looks like Seaworthy Lass's post was offensive.

Anyway, Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

Sent from my SGH-I257M using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

Buzzman came off as a moderator, a highly sensitive one at that. Now I see his "I'm the Humor Police" post is gone. Oh wait...he's an Aussie...make that HumoUr Police. hehehe

Humor, by nature is in the eye of the beholder. I saw no offensive language that needed moderating by a non moderator....but that's just me...soooooo.....

How does a guy keep his wife screaming for at least 15 minutes after she has an orgasm?

By wiping his d!#k off on the curtains.

[dohenyboy]

That reminds me.
Man comes home and wife finds lipstick on his shirt. She becomes upset.
he says "don't worry its not what you think. i just used my shirt to wipe off my d**k."
She immediately sees his point of view and calms down.

Its a Russian joke.


Why can't things remain where i carelessly left them?

[dohenyboy]

Here is another Russian joke.
Why does a woman wash her car every day and the man not?
The woman treats her car like the man she loves. The man treats his car like the wife he owns.
(Joke usually told woman to woman)


Why can't things remain where i carelessly left them?

[socaldmax]

I also like pilot chatter and ATC jokes...

This is not a joke...

I live near an FBO and have a wide band radio that can hear everything from LF/MF to 1.8GHz in UHF. One day a young female pilot apparently didn't follow ATC instructions and screwed up in lining up for her approach. The male ATC got a little agitated with her (which seemed unprofessional to me at first) and told her to get in the back of the lineup 3 mi out and try again.

As she approached for the second time, she repeated back the left runway instead of the right. The ATC yelled back at her, "RIGHT RUNWAY! RIGHT RUNWAY!" Apparently she was lined up properly, just repeated it back wrong. After she touched down, she reported so to the tower, who said, "Turn right at the end, park that thing and go back to school! You have no business flying and endangering others!"

I thought that was a pretty harsh thing to say to anyone, much less a young lady, but after listening to this same calm ATC for months and never hearing him yell at anyone else, I'm starting to think this may have been a pattern with her. Or maybe it was his daughter. Who knows.


Now for the joke...


There was a DC-9 coming in for a landing and as he approached, he saw an old tattered Cessna 152 sitting on a taxiway waiting to take off on the same runway after he was done. THe DC-9 slammed into the ground more so than landed, and the Cessna pilot quipped, "Nice landing!"

Stung, the DC-9 pilot replied, "Cute little plane. Did you build that yourself?"

To which the Cessna pilot immediately retorted, "Yes, from DC-9 parts that fall off after rough landings like yours. I see enough parts on the runway right now to build a second plane."






The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

[socaldmax]

A friend of mine loves to talk trash about Asian drivers (a lot of them where he lives near LA) and he often forwards Youtube Russian dashcam clips of accidents and near misses.

One day I asked him, "If Asian drivers are so bad, and there are so many of them in the world, why aren't we watching Asian dashcam clips? You would think there would be millions of them on youtube, since they make all of the dashcams and they're such terrible drivers.

He couldn't answer that one...

[socaldmax]

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

[socaldmax]

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

[socaldmax]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

[socaldmax]

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right
on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to
the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[socaldmax]

In his book "Sled Driver", SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.
Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later a Twin Beech inquired the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Uh, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

There was a slight pause then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.