The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

I remember when I divorced my wife...

...she insisted on dividing everything up...She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the rabbits.

I finally told her, "Look now you're just splitting hares."

[socaldmax]

True story...

When I divorced my first wife I told her she could have first choice of everything. The big screen, the couch, her choice of the 2 dogs, etc. She decided she wanted the couch and love seat, I got the recliner. She wanted both dogs, even though both of them chose me all 5 times.

A week later I felt lumps under (Wonderdog) Max's jaw and I told her to enroll him in pet insurance, then bring him in for a checkup a week later so he would have coverage. Of course as usual, she didn't understand, took him in immediately and he was diagnosed with Lympho Sarcoma and the vet recommended he undergo chemotherapy to extend his life for 13 months, otherwise he would die in about 5 or 6 weeks. She came to the next meeting with the mediator demanding that I pay $250/mo. in "doggy support" for the chemotherapy. I told her "no", she was the one who decided she had to have both dogs, then forgo getting pet insurance, so she could go ahead and pay for chemotherapy.

The mediator told her, "CA is already effed up enough, we are not going to invent "doggy support.""

[socaldmax]

[Perfusser]

My wife just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me, I only have super fish oil injuries but I am lucky I wasn't krilled.

[socaldmax]

True story...

One time I said something my GF didn't like and she picked up a huge candle in a glass jar and chucked it at me. I ducked and it bounced off of the top of the couch and smashed my sliding glass door. We both stood there staring at each other with shocked looks on our faces! After a couple of seconds I regained my composure and told her, "You're replacing that!" She was all too happy to do it, begging me not to call the cops. Apparently this wasn't her first domestic violence incident.

First I had to remove the frame for her. Then I had to put it in my truck bed. Then I lent her my truck and lent her the money to pay for the new glass. Then I dug out the vacuum cleaner for her. Then I looked up a glass shop for her. When she got back, I helped her carry it back upstairs and installed it.

She later told her GF about it like it was funny, telling her she fixed it all by herself.

That cuckoo clock took forever to get rid of, it kept coming back over and over!

[socaldmax]

[HopCar]

I have another reason to dislike the metric system. It makes the Corona virus stronger.

Did you notice that in countries using the metric system the virus can jump about six inches further? In the US we have to stay six feet apart. In countries using the metric system they have to stay two meters apart.

Obviously the metric system makes the virus stronger.

[Buzzman]

Bzzzzzzttttt. WRONG.

In Aus, it's 1.5m apart, near enough to 5ft.

2m is 6ft 8"

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by Perfusser

My wife just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me, I only have super fish oil injuries but I am lucky I wasn't krilled.

OOhhh, good one, PErfusser!

Jim

[LakeSuperior]

Two guys are catching up at a bar.

Guy 1: My wife's been really distant lately, we hardly talk, and we never seem to be home at the same time...

Guy 2: Yeah that's generally how divorces work.

[BlueH2Obound]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Once again, not sure if it's just me, but about 20 of the posts you did were blank!

[Eigenvector]

Non Covid Joke